Thursday, March 10, 2011

5 months and counting!

We have finally made it to the 5 month (20 weeks) mark! I'm pretty excited about that, but also getting depressed. I now know I only have about 18 weeks left to spend with her til she's born. I can't wait to be able to see her. But at the same time I'm not ready to say my goodbyes just yet.

I continue to sit back every day and pray for a miracle. Miracles happen all the time. So I'm hoping God can grant us a miracle, just this one time. And it's not that I'm trying to be selfish, because I know she'd be much safer in Heaven. I'm asking for a miracle so my 4 other kids don't have to go through anymore hurt and pain.

My 4 older children were beyond excited to find out that they were going to be having another baby brother or sister. And when they found out they were going to have a sister, they were ecstatic! Then to turn around the next day and tell them that she won't be able to stay with us very long really tore at their little hearts. My 2 older kids, Mercedes and Angel Jr, took it the hardest. Even though Junior wasn't ready for a baby sister, he was still excited in his own way. And this news was just horrible for Mercedes.

I remember her saying, "But Mom, this just isn't fair! All I've ever wanted is a little sister to play with. And now she has to be taken away from us. It's just not fair!!" My heart ached for her. I wanted to be able to tell her that this was all just a scary dream and that she'd be able to have her little sister here with her always. But I knew I couldn't give her false hope. It would only hurt more in the end.

Junior on the other hand, also says that it's not fair that they have to lose her so quickly. Along with, "Mom, I'm scared. I don't want sissy to be all alone without any of us. I'm just really scared." This tears me to pieces! I wish I could change things around, but it's not within my power. I've tried to explain to him that his baby sister will not be alone, that she gets to be with God and all the other family members we've lost over the years. And that they'll all take great care of her. And when it is our time to go, we'll get to be with her again.

My 5 yr old, Jordan, seems to be taking it the best. He partly understands what is going on, but not fully. I explained, through tears, that his baby sister is pretty sick right now and that shortly after she's born, she'll go to be with God. He wrapped his little arms around my neck and said, "It'll be okay Mommy. She'll be in Heaven looking down on us all the time. I'll have a very special baby sister. And Sophia will live on in my heart forever!" I remember sitting there thinking, "Did that just come out of my 5yr olds mouth? My goodness, I knew he was smart, but I never truly knew how smart he is!!" So I try my best to think in a positive light, like Jordan does. But he also has his moments where he says that he's feeling sad. So I just comfort him as best as I can and repeat to him exactly what he said to me.

My 3yr old, Javier, doesn't really understand what is going on with the baby. He still thinks she'll be able to come home with us and that he'll be able to teach her how to "play video games". I try to explain simply that she'll be going to Heaven. And all he can ask me is, "Why mom?" It's so hard to explain to a child so young. So I will better explain everything to him when he's older and can better understand.

We have many very supportive friends and family by our side. Our support system is one of the biggest I've ever known of. Nearly our entire community has offered a hand to help us out or to just listen if we need someone to talk to. And we greatly appreciate it.

Someone once told me, "Anything you need, I'll be glad to help you." And my response was, "The only thing I need, I cannot have. What I need is to keep Sophia here with us. Alive and well." That just brought them to tears. I see just how much our precious lil girl has effected those who know about her and know what she is going through. Even to sit down and explain her condition to a stranger, the tears start flowing.

I keep trying to tell myself every day that God gave us Sophia, because he knew we'd be strong enough to stand up and spread awareness on such a horrible condition. And we're trying our very best. I will continue to support Anencephaly Awareness until my day comes to meet with her again.

And a quick little note to those who are trying to conceive, it is very important to be on Folic Acid atleast 3 months before trying to conceive, straight through your first trimester. Folic Acid helps reduce the risks of this happening to your baby. I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy. And if you're asked by your OB if you'd like to have the Quad Screen done, do it!! I almost turned it down. But changed my mind and agreed. I should be getting that done soon, but either way Sophia has already been diagnosed through an ultrasound.

Sophia, I hope you can feel all the love I have for you. It has become difficult to let my emotions out now, but I feel as if as long as I continue to write, you'll know just how much Mommy loves and cares about you! 4 months til we get to meet face-to-face and I CANNOT wait! I can just imagine how beautiful you are already. My guess is, you've got the blonde hair and blue eyes, just like Mommy! At the same time, I hope you have some of Daddy's features too. We love you so much, baby girl!!


  1. I had declined my Quad screen and we found out thru US at 22 1/2 wks. But the screening wouldn't have swayed out decision to carry to term so it wouldn't have mattered.

    I think it is hard to tell your other children such terrible news. My daughter Kyndra was only 11 months when we got the diagnosis but my stepdaughter Hannah was 8.

    And I added you and Sophia to the angel list. When she is born we can change and put her birthday ♥

  2. I agree, a quad screen wouldn't change things for me either. When my doctor brought up the quad screen, I had declined and said that nothing was wrong with my other 4 children, so why worry now? But she got me to change my mind quickly. And the quad screen is scheduled for next week.

    It was very hard to break the news to my other children. One of the worst days of my life. But I knew I couldn't hide it from them. They can read me very well and can tell when something is wrong.

    Thank you so much for adding us to the Angel list. Once she's born, I'll give you that information.

    By the way, I absolutely love the design of your blog. It's truly beautiful :)

    I'm so very sorry for your loss, but I'm sure you've gained many memories. God bless you! ♥