Team Sophia's Angels!

I'm at it again. Completely forgetting to blog. I've been so wrapped up in planning different fundraisers for Team Sophia's Angels. But I've taken a break from that because we've hit our team goal. Unfortunately, some teammates are having a hard time reaching their personal goals. I wish some of them lived a little closer so I could help them. We're just 9 days away from walk day. I'm very excited. I'm sure it's going to be a very emotional day. I'm hoping to be able to donate some baby hats to labor & delivery on the day of the walk as well. It's going to be such a special day. Where the walk is located it also the same place where Sophia was diagnosed & delivered. The staff was amazing. I figure that making hats for these babies is the least I can do to help other families faced with the same diagnosis.

Our team t-shirts are finally here! We received our sample today. I was very surprised with how similar they look to Katie's Fighters t-shirts (which is not what we're trying to do). We left the design up to the guy who is making them. Angel went over last week and ok'd the design. He walked in today with this:



Navy blue t-shirt with silver lettering

I loved it! I know we're pushing it pretty close here so I would love to be able to put an order in by Monday so we can have our t-shirts by walk day. I'd love to have a sea of blue and silver! If you're interested in a t-shirt, please let me know. If you're unable to make it to our walk and would still like to support Team Sophia's Angels, please let me know. As of right now, I believe there is no deadline for our supporters. But for our team, we'd like to have an order in right away. I want our team to look organized. I can't wait to see just how many people show up. I'm excited for so many reasons. I can't even begin to explain how much this means to us.

We'll also have a special guest with us on walk day. My little nephew, Isaiah (aka Zah), will be with us! He's our little fighter. As of right now, he's on his trip with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Just hearing that brings many different emotions. Happiness, because his wish is being granted. Sadness because well, we all know what the Make-A-Wish Foundation is set up for. Isaiah will be accompanied by his Mommy, older sister, and twin baby brother & sister. I cannot wait to see them! We also have a special angel mommy coming in for the walk. I can't wait to finally meet her. I'm sure we'll have plenty of laughs and probably many tears shed. It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions next weekend.

I'll be back to my regular blogging soon enough. I have lots of catch up on.

Much love and many hugs to our readers and supporters of TSA!!!

First Easter

I knew right away Easter wasn't going to be an easy day. Last year I was still carrying Sophia, all snug inside my womb. Watched the kids as they dyed their eggs and showed me which ones they made for Sophia. This year, I sat here... empty. Both in the arms and in my womb. They each made their own special eggs for Sophia. Some were green and pink, just like last year. And some were purple. All I could do was smile. At least they haven't forgotten about their baby sister.

When the Easter Bunny finally made his way here, I couldn't help but choke back tears the entire time. I watched as the kids baskets were being filled and couldn't help but think, "There's a basket missing. There is a child no longer with us." I kept taking in deep breaths. Angel looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I didn't have to answer him after he seen my face. He knew. At this point, I just wanted to run away and cry. Peter Cottontail did not stay long. He knew how upset I was so he made it a quick visit.

I tried to get myself back into better spirits. But nothing seemed to work. I didn't want to wake up on Easter Sunday. I'd rather just sleep the day away. I knew I wasn't going to get out of this so I woke up and watched my kids as they searched through their Easter baskets. Once again, I was stuck choking back tears. I didn't want to let them loose. If I get all upset, the kids follow suit and I didn't want to upset them.

Dinner time came. We invited my parents over. We didn't have a whole lot of company. I wasn't really in the mood to see anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. But, we had them come over and spend the day with us. While I was eating dinner, I found myself daydreaming. I was sitting there eating my mashed potatoes and just zoned out. Thinking about how I would be giving Sophia tastes of mashed potatoes from my plate, along with mashed peas. She wasn't here for me to do this. Several times my eyes filled up with tears. But I couldn't allow myself to break. The day was almost over and I had to keep strong... at least until the kids were in bed that night. I snapped out of it and finished my dinner.

Shortly after dinner, we went for our visit with Sophia. We had a couple gifts to bring to her. Angel decided he wanted to give her his chocolate bunny. We also had a solar light for her. This isn't your ordinary solar light. It caught my eye immediately at the store. It looks like a sunflower, and has a small purple butterfly sitting on one of the petals. When we got there, we noticed someone had been there before us. Whoever this person is, left Sophia her own personal Easter basket. The moment I saw it, my eyes filled with tears and a smile spread across my face. Inside the basket sat a stuffed lamb, with a heart plaque that reads, "Love never falters nor gives up". It was wrapped up in yellow plastic. On the outside, there is a clear ornament with "angel feathers" inside of it. Right next to it sits a poem. The cutest poem I have ever read:

Feathers From An Angel
Are Hardly Ever Seen
But These Are Quite Different
There Special As Can Be.

These Feathers Are A Reminder
Of A Special Person's Love
Who Is Now Your Guardian Angel
Watching And Protecting
From Above.

 

We have yet to find the person responsible for leaving this for her. I completely understand if they don't want us to know. By the time we made it home, I had to have Angel run back to retrieve her basket. It was starting to look like rain and I'd hate to see her first Easter basket get ruined. Now, it sits on our kitchen table for all to see.

 

Sophia's lamb

 

Sophia's Angel Feathers

It is so nice to know that there are other people out there who care about and love our precious girl as much as we do. To see that someone took time out of their day to drop off a little something that means so much to us, is amazing! If you're reading this post, THANK YOU! Truly from the bottom of our hearts!

Seeing this gift helped me make it through the rest of my day. It has yet to get easier since Easter. But I'm throwing myself back into planning. We have a bake sale coming up this weekend for Team Sophia's Angels. All money raised will be going directly towards our goal for March of Dimes! I'm very excited about this walk and really need to get my head in the game. I also have to start planning birthday parties that are coming up next month, along with a memorial party for Sophia. I can't believe she'll be one in just a little over a month from now.

We hope that all of our readers have had a wonderful and blessed Easter season.

Sophia Grace, Happy 45 weeks! We miss and love you so very much. Not a day goes by that we don't think of you. Please continue to show us your signs that you're always around. We love you baby girl <3

Easter Sunday!
(Chocolate bunny off to the left, solar light directly in the middle, basket to the right)

Happiness

Today has been rather strange. I started my day off by cleaning and rearranging the house... trying my best to keep my mind occupied. Now here I am at 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm missing my beautiful girl more then words could even describe. I've said this plenty of times before, but I'm happy I'm not the only one who has been faced with Anencephaly. At the same time, it upsets me to know that other couples know our pain & heartache. It's not something I would wish on anyone. It's an indescribable pain. One that never goes away.

I've been told hundreds of times now that the grieving process gets easier with time. I never believed that. But here I am, 41 weeks and 2 days later, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'm able to wear a real smile then hide behind a fake one. I have lots to be happy about. I've got 5 beautiful kids... 2 daughters and 3 sons. They're my world. They all make me so proud. I know now that Sophia is very happy and being well taken care of. I also know that a day will come when we will all be reunited with her. What a fantastic day that will be! Knowing Sophia is happy, brings happiness to me.

Occasionally, I still post the depressing things. But as of lately, my Facebook statuses have been about more positive things, jokes, etc. Does this mean I am over our loss? Most certainly not! Does this mean I am the "old" me? Definitely not! Does this mean I no longer miss my beautiful baby girl? Now that's absurd! Nothing changes, just my feelings. I'm sure I will still have my fair share of down & depressed days. But for now, I'm smiling! Smiling because I know when I go outside and the sun is shining brightly on my face, I know that's Sophia!! Smiling because I know it is what Sophia would want me to do. Smiling because I have such wonderful friends and family. An amazing support system on Facebook (yes, I said it. Facebook.) Those women know who they are. If it weren't for you ladies, I don't know where I would be right now.

The time is coming closer and closer for our March of Dimes walk. I'm getting rather excited. Donations have been coming in small & large amounts. That doesn't matter, every little bit helps! In my eyes, if we can all get together and raise some money for a great cause in Sophia's honor, that's like keeping Sophia's spirit and story alive through another child. Sure, they will never get the chance to know who she is. That's the beauty of it. Helping someone and them not knowing who did it or why. They just "did". I've got a few plans brewing, I'm hoping to be able to follow through with them all.

In the meantime, I have birthday parties to plan for. Sophia's oldest brother turned 10 2 days ago. We're having his party tomorrow and he's super excited. I'm sure he'll be keeping Sophia close to him, in his heart. He misses her so very much, as all the kids do. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that she knows how much he loves her and misses her. So I'm sure she'll be right there beside him on his special day.

On a side note, we're still spreading awareness on Sophia's condition. We did the article with the newspaper first. Next step: radio! That should be underway sometime next month. We just have to get everything set up with the wonderful man who has agreed to help us on our quest on spreading the much needed awareness on Anencephaly. If you haven't read Sophia's article yet, there is a tab at the top that will take you right to it. If you haven't donated or joined Team Sophia's Angels yet, there is a tab above for that too.

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has stayed by our side throughout the past 13 months. You're all fantastic people. We love you all!

Guilt trips

As of lately, I've been having so many guilt trips, it's unbelievable! I have had so many within the last couple weeks. Today, my biggest one was because I haven't been able to come visit your resting place since Christmas Day. I feel so horrible about that. In the beginning, I used to come visit you every single day. After a little while, it changed to every other day. At some point, it changed to a few times a week. Then to once a week. I tried promising myself it would never become less often. But here I am, a little over 2 months and I haven't been able to visit with you. So, Sharyl was messaging me and said she'd be willing to go with me! That completely made my day. Unfortunately when we made it there, it was already so dark and very hard to see. I wanted to make sure all your things were still in their right place and unharmed. I could see slightly with the lights from our cellphones. It looked like everything was still there. I didn't get to stay very long at all because Sharyl had to be home by a certain time. Not to mention, it was very cold up there. So I gave my kisses to you and left. I came home and let it be known just how bad I feel. Nana & Pappy were here. They said that they were planning on picking up some flowers for you and asked if I wanted to come visit with you tomorrow, during the day. So here I am, all excited again. After leaving you tonight, I felt a sense of peace (along with more guilt because I really shouldn't have to leave you behind).

I've also been feeling guilty because I haven't been updating your blog much lately. I know we have 53 followers as of right now and I feel as if I am disappointing them along with you. I've been trying to very hard to get your story out there and here I am, stalling. I even made a video for you! I posted it several times on Facebook and on your page. Last I checked, you had 520+ hits. It makes me proud to know that the story of your life is circulating around the internet. It seems like the internet is the only way people communicate these days so I figured it would be worth a try. It has brought so many tears to the eyes of many, myself included. I'm going to try to figure out how to add the video to your blog. Then all our readers can take a look at it, in case they didn't see the link on Facebook. Even with that, I feel as if I left something very important out. I'm not sure what it is yet. But to me, 10 minutes doesn't seem to be enough time to fit your 31+ weeks of life inside of me. I'm sure in time I'll be making a new one.

Another guilt trip: not trying hard enough to raise donations for your March of Dimes team. All I have been able to do is spread the link around on Facebook. Yes, I do a lot on Facebook. Mainly because I don't go out and socialize with people. So the best way for me to do it, is through posts. Nana has been out telling everyone about the walk. She has raised $90.83 on her own. Without her help, I wouldn't know what to do! I've also been trying to get more team members and have only been able to recruit 2. That really bums me out because I want our first walk in your name to be GREAT! We're down to 2 months and 4 days until the walk and I'm starting to feel nervous and scared that things aren't going to go according to planned. Fingers crossed that I am wrong.

I'm not even going to bother listing all my other guilt trips because they sound even more ridiculous than the last one I just added. I just feel terrible. When I do get the chance to come visit you, I always have to leave... empty handed. It shouldn't be like this. I should be sitting back watching my 9 month old baby girl learning the new things she can do. And I can't. That in itself rips pieces of my heart away every day. I often go to sleep at night hoping, praying, and wishing that when I wake up, you're here. And every day that I wake up and your not here is more of reality smacking me in the face.

I do not feel as if I am angry at God anymore. I just wish I knew the answers for why He had things happen this way. Why did He have to take you away from us before we had the chance to get to know you? So many unanswered questions.

Earlier tonight, I was sitting here basically day-dreaming of you. And as I was, Kolton came into the picture. You were chasing him around in Heaven's Garden. Only in this day-dream, the two of you were no longer babies. You were a little older. Such beautiful children. The way the sun was shining through your hair was amazing. That picture in itself made the two of you look exactly like Angels. Beautiful, gorgeous Angels. I just wanted to reach out and touch your soft cheek. Kiss your sweet lips. Run my fingers through your blonde hair. And look into those gorgeous blue eyes. I've yet to have any dreams about you while I'm sleeping, and I think that is because I sit back and day-dream about you so often. It's great! It almost makes me feel as if you're still here. No one can take that away!

Warm Welcome

I would like to take a minute to welcome all of my most recent readers. I haven't been able to update as much as I would like. But as of lately, I've been trying. I can't believe how many people are now reading Sophia's story. It really has traveled across the world, exactly what I was hoping for! So, welcome and please excuse some of my posts. There are times I just need to vent and have nowhere else to do it but here.

Sophia's article finally made it in the newspaper! I have been beside myself since Sunday. It just leaves me to sit here and wonder, "How many people took the time out of their busy days to read?". But I guess that is a question I will never know the answer to. I have received so much positive feedback from others on Facebook. It's amazing. I love knowing how they have read it and how the story has touched them. And what better story than one that is TRUE!! If you haven't read it yet but would like to, I added a tab at the top of this page! You're only a click away.

We've been receiving some pretty steady traffic here on Sophia's blog and now also on her newest Facebook page. Please feel free to swing by! Just type in "Team: Sophia's Angels" in the search bar. That should bring you right to us. I've been trying to update as much as possible, as our March of Dimes walk is not too far from now. Also, the Team Sophia's Angels March Of Dimes page has been getting a few donations as of lately. It's incredible to see that there are still some good people left in the world. It brings a smile to my face to see those people wanting to help other babies. I can't imagine what this world would be like without the sounds of baby cries, laughs, even hiccups!

Today marks 39 weeks since Sophia was brought into this world. An angel we got to hold for the very first time. People will tell you that it gets easier in time, after losing a child. I don't believe that. I miss her more and more with each passing moment. I couldn't even begin to sit here and describe exactly what it's like. There really are no words. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Life changes drastically when you lose a baby. You're stuck sitting back thinking about the "what-ifs" or wondering what your baby would be doing if he/she was still here. Would they be holding their head up on their own? Would they be trying to sit up unassisted? Would they be trying to say their first words? Would she be a Daddy's girl? Would he be a Momma's boy? There are so many questions that are left unanswered.

I've learned to live with this pain. I'll never stop wishing and hoping that she was still here. But I will continue to try telling myself that I will be able to see her one day. That she will always know who her family is and that she's watching over us and keeping us out of harms way. I guess, for now, that is just the way that things have to be.

Normally on every Tuesday, I sit here upset. Wondering exactly how I am going to get through my day. But today is different. I'm on a mission to get through to Baby Talk magazine and see about having an article written. Maybe even ask some of the other Anencephaly Angel Moms to help! Wouldn't it be pretty cool to read the stories of not only one baby, but many many others as well? I think it would be. I'm also going to be searching around this week comparing prices of t-shirts. I've had several people ask if we're going to have Team Sophia's Angels t-shirts made. And I was, for our family. I just didn't think anyone else would want them. Yet again I was wrong. So I'm going to look around at the different businesses and see what their designs look like, along with their prices. Hopefully I can find something really good. Anyone who knows me, knows that I will not settle for second best when it comes to Sophia (or any of my kids for that matter). Everything has to be perfect! Once I have more information on that, I'll be sure to let my readers know.

The only thing that hasn't changed on this Monday night/Tuesday morning, is my sleep. I still find it difficult to sleep. Here it is, creeping up on 4:30am and I'm awake. I wish I could change that, but right now I just can't. I'm worn out physically and emotionally, but I keep on truckin'. I feel like nothing can hold me down at this point. As if I'm unstoppable! More or less, my body is so used to waking up several times throughout the night to feed, change, and cuddle with a baby. And since I can't do that, I have a very hard time falling asleep. Not to mention, my mind races in a million different directions when I try to relax and go to bed. I find myself wondering, "What is Sophia doing right now?" and then I end up with a bunch of images in my head of her playing with all the other Anencephaly Angels. Hanging out with members of our family who have passed. I'm sure they all met her with big hugs and smiles on their faces when she made her way to the Pearly Gates.

God knows I miss her. God knows just how much I love her. And quite honestly, I would do it all over again if it meant that I could hold her, hug her, kiss her little cheeks, whisper little secrets in her ear. Our biggest secret has been made open for the world. That secret was that I would go on to tell everyone and anyone about Sophia & Anencephaly. I'm working my way on doing that. One article at a time, one Facebook post at a time, and one blog at a time!

Miss Sophia, our little princess, we hope you're having a fantastic day! Make sure you sit down and take some time out to spend with Andrew. Oh, and make sure the two of you eat a bowl of ice cream! His mommy did :) Better yet, make it two... it's a celebration! We love and miss you so very much. Come visit my dreams, beautiful angel <3



Sophia's resting place. Thanks to everyone who helped us raise the money for this beautiful headstone

Random Thoughts

Often, I sit here and wonder, "Do they still remember you? Do they think less of you because you didn't get to live outside of my womb?" I've come to notice that in some of the support groups, there are cliques. I have found myself not checking into those groups much anymore, except to update my notebook with Anencephaly Angel birthdays. I'm thinking that I may just stop going into support groups and delete myself from those pages.

The best support I can get is from those who are right here, in real life. I have met several amazing women through these groups and I'm happy with our friendships. We don't get to talk that often, but that's okay. I've just come to notice how certain babies get mentioned more then others. And it always seems as if it's only the babies who have "lived" outside their mothers womb. They just don't seem to think the way us mother's of stillborns do. You were a very active baby... you lived for 31+ weeks. They didn't get to see all the awesome things you did. But I did! I am so proud of you. Babies do not have to be born alive to be amazing & breathtaking.

I think at times people are afraid to talk to me simply because I talk about you. Maybe that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it  makes them nervous. Or maybe they think I'll have some sort of breakdown. I just wish they would understand just how much I love talking about you. About how beautiful you are, about the way you touched the lives of so many (even if only for a short time). I have to speak your name, I have to show your pictures. It makes things more real to them. I don't know, maybe they just think I'm crazy. And maybe they're right! I'm crazy in love with my angel princess!

As I have mentioned before about your story being written in the paper, it wasn't posted today. I was really hoping today would be the day. Fact is, I'm very impatient. I guess I need to learn to have a little more patience. I'm just so excited to be able to get your story out there. I want others to know of you. And most of all, I want the education and awareness spread all over the world. I guess it is better if it gets printed in the Sunday paper. More people read the paper on Sunday then on any other day.

We have created a new page for you on Facebook. The first one from several months ago was "In Memory of Sophia Grace Velazquez "Born Sleeping" May 31, 2011". I've met some pretty amazing people through that page, but I want to be able to do more. So, "Team: Sophia's Angels" has been born. We decided to use the name of your March of Dimes team. Sounds pretty good to me! I plan on posting many facts about Anencephaly, along with Myths vs. Facts. I'm sure that this new page will turn into much more than that. I can't wait to see it evolve and grow into something that even my imagination can't come up with.

I've been having a pretty rough couple of days. I guess I'm just being too hard on myself. Yesterday was the anniversary of my Aunt Cindy's passing. I'm sure she's just having so much fun with you. I an remember clearly the day that your brother Jordan was born. She came up to be here for his birth, along with your Uncle Josh. I have a picture of her sitting in a rocking chair at the hospital, with Jordan swaddled in her arms. The look on her face and the love in her eyes was truly amazing. I can just picture her doing that with you. And taking such wonderful care of you, until I can be there to do it myself. Speaking of Jordan, he's had a rather rough day so far today. He woke me up this morning, eyes full of tears, and repeating, "I miss Sophia, Mommy! I wish it could have been me and not her. She's your baby!" Those words stung my heart! I know how much your brothers and sister miss you. But for one of them to "wish" it was them, kills me. I would do anything to have you here in my arms, but that doesn't mean I'd want to lose another child just for you to be here. I'm not trying to make that sound bad at all. I don't like being an Angel Mommy. I'd be much happier if I had all my children here and in one place.

Once again, I've been thinking about a "rainbow baby". A lot of the other Anencephaly Angel moms have or will be having their rainbow babies. Most of those babies are healthy! That's good news. And then there are moms who are expecting their first or second Anencephaly Angel. I would like to try again, but I am just so very scared! Scared that it'll happen again, scared that you'll feel as if I'm trying to replace you, scared that others will think the same, and scared that everyone will just completely forget about you. I just don't know what to do. My mind is once again back to running in a million different directions at one time. One day, I'll be able to sort this all out.

So my day has started off rather depressingly. I keep trying to look for the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Right now, all I can see is a tiny speck of light.I'm hoping that as I continue trying to move forward, I'll start seeing that tiny speck turn into a bright light.

An Amazing Day

I think it is safe to say that I have had one of the most amazing days since May 31, 2011! We have been trying for quite some time to get an article written in our local newspaper. Well, today was the day! We had our interview with one of the reporters. When we first left the house, I was feeling very nervous, excited, felt the anxiety creeping in. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I don't do too well when it comes to talking to strangers. Once Angel got the ball rolling, it was like I just couldn't stop! There were several times when I caught myself choking up. I reminded myself to take a deep breath. While doing so, Angel would take his turn talking. That gave me the few seconds that I needed. I'm not the type of person to sit there and cry in front of people, unless they are family or close friends. After a couple minutes, I got back to talking. It didn't even feel as if it was me talking. It's hard to explain but it's almost like it was Sophia talking through me. What an amazing feeling! Javier was with us today (as he is still trying to get over pneumonia) and after a few short minutes, he started to get bored. Thankfully, the reporter allowed him to play "Angry Birds" on his cell phone and that kept him busy for awhile. Before he started playing, Angel asked him, "Javier, where is Sophia?" And Javier responded with his usual answer, "In Heaven". Angel then asked, "With who?" And he responded with another one of his typical answers, "With God". So I decided to chime in real quick and I asked him, "Well, what is she doing up there?" And he said, "I don't know! I can't see her. I have to see her to know what she is doing." He's just too cute. Before the interview really got under way, he was sitting at the table paging through Sophia's photo album saying, "That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my mom. That's me. That's Daddy!" And so on.

It felt so good to be able to sit down with someone who was taking notes about everything we have been through on our Journey with Sophia. As some of you may already know, I made my beautiful girl a promise before allowing the nurses to take Sophia away. I told her, "Baby Girl, I promise you that I'm going to spread awareness on this condition. I know God put you in my life because He knew I was strong enough to talk about this condition and openly talk about you! From here on out, this is my job!" And this is just the beginning. There are so many others places that I want to contact to see if they will run our story. So many people know about Spina Bifida. Nearly everyone in this world has heard of cancer in one form or another. But once you come out with the word, "Anencephaly", no one has ever heard of it. So now I take the first step forward in a new journey... the journey of spreading awareness! This is so important to us. We would really hate to see another family go through what us, and many others across the globe, have gone through. It is not an easy journey. It is one that no parent should ever have to face.

Our story should be posted on The News-Item website on Saturday or Sunday. I can't wait to see it in black & white. Oh how I wish I could get this amazing story of life and love posted all over the world, in every newspaper, in every language, in every country.

Thus far, we have helped one family make a tough decision. They live in Spain. And thanks to me creating this blog, this family decided to carry their son to term. He was also diagnosed with the more rare form on Anencephaly, called Iniencephaly. Just helping one family, through our words and through our feelings, makes me feel so much better inside. Through this page, we were able to give one more baby a fighting chance at life. Doctors say that most babies with Anencephaly will not survive any more then a few minutes to a few hours after birth. I know of a few who have defied those odds. Vitoria just celebrated her 2nd birthday not too long ago. Andrew "Bumble" blessed his family with 10 wonderful days! Katie-girl has given her family 7+ months and counting! And just to think, most doctors won't even give our babies a second thought. They almost make it seem like an experiment gone wrong. Since the "experiment" didn't go according to planned, they no longer want to bother. If only those doctors would take a look at these amazing babies and see just how much they are able to do and how many lives they touch. Maybe then, they'll start doing things with a little more heart!