Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Beginning of a New Journey

It looks like we've started a new journey. I hope this path is a little less bumpy than others we have traveled on. Yesterday was our first appointment for Baby Bean. That nickname doesn't come easy. I'll get to that a little later in this post.

Appointment time: 1:30pm. Travel time: 29 minutes

We left the house around 12:45 yesterday afternoon. We had to stop and make sure we had enough gas in the truck. Not to mention, this momma needed a bottle of water for the trip! After our brief visit at the gas station, we were on our way! From the minute we left the house, I was scared. I wasn't sure what this appointment was going to lead to. The closer and closer we got to Geisinger Medical Center Women's Pavilion, the more I started to panic. Sophia was sure to make her presence known. All along the way, we kept seeing butterflies flying right towards the truck. First a white one, the ones that remind me of Sophia the most. Followed by an orange and black one (monarch). A few feet later, another white one came in our direction. I remember thinking, "This must be Sophia's way of telling us that everything will be okay". As we kept going on this country road, another butterfly came along. This one was yellow. I couldn't help but to stare out the window looking for butterflies as we passed. And just before getting off this road, another white butterfly flew to the front windshield. I kept taking deep breaths. I knew Sophia would be by my side.

Once we made it to the hospital, we had a hard time finding a parking spot. Anyone who has been to Geisinger Medical Center in Danville knows exactly what I mean. After nearly getting clipped by a young female driver, we finally found a spot to park. I was in full panic mode by then. I just wanted to turn around and leave. This hospital held a lot of painful memories, but also some good memories. My 2 youngest sons were both born in this hospital. One in 2005 and another in 2007. In 2011 is when everything changed for me. This was the hospital I was in when Sophia was diagnosed with Anencephaly. This is the hospital where Sophia was born. This was the hospital that changed my life forever. I was afraid that if I walked back into this hospital, that I'd be given another devastating blow. 

We finally checked in at 1:25pm. 5 minutes early! So of course I had to ask for our social worker. God knows I needed her yesterday. Unfortunately, she was off so we couldn't speak with her while we waited for our turn. So we sat in the waiting room making small conversation with another woman who was waiting for her friend to come out from her appointment. After awhile the nurse came out for us. She checked my weight & blood pressure, along with other things. After that was done, she put us in a patient education room while we waited for an open exam room. As we sat in this room, I felt myself becoming more nervous. That's when I realized I had been in this room before. This was one of the rooms we sat in last year, talking with our social worker about our birth plan for Sophia. I felt like getting up and running away. Instead, I decided to just sit on my hands. This is when Angel noticed that something wasn't right. I refreshed his memory. The nurse apologized. No big deal, she didn't really know what we went through last year. All she knew is what is in my records. After going through my medical history, it was time to head to an open exam room. 

We waited for a bit for her to come into the room. She was very nice. This was the first time we had ever met with this midwife. She shook our hands and introduced herself. After introductions, she asked how I was feeling. And I told her honestly that I was scared and very nervous. That part of me just wanted to run right out of the hospital. I asked her if there was any way she could do an ultrasound to ease my worry, even just a little bit. She told me she understood why I was so scared and that she would definitely do an ultrasound for us. She also told us that she wouldn't be able to rule out any defects because it was too early. I knew that. I just wanted to see if I could notice anything. After doing "the exam", she wheeled in the ultrasound equipment. Just as I expected, I could feel myself being pushed over the edge. I was afraid of what I might see. While I laid there, I couldn't help but think of my 4 living babies waiting for me to come home. I couldn't help but to think of Sophia. All of a sudden, this little "baby bean" shows on the monitor. This tiny little bean will become a full sized newborn baby? I couldn't believe it! I nearly missed it, but I did a double take and seen this slight flickering on the baby. The midwife went on to tell us that this was our baby's heart beat. OUR BABY!!! I was full of smiles! Some people take that for granted, seeing their babies heart beats on an ultrasound monitor. But I knew what it was like to see a baby WITHOUT a heart beat on an ultrasound. I knew what it was like to be given a fatal prenatal diagnosis.... at this very hospital! She went on to tell us that baby is looking very good right now and is measuring at 8 weeks & 1 day. I was off on my due date by 1 day. Looks like our due date is February 6, 2013 instead of February 7th.

After this was done, we had to go over to the lab to have some blood drawn. I couldn't wait to leave! I just wanted to get home and tell my kids the good news. It was around 6pm when I got to see them again. My mom decided to take the kids to the community pool while they waited for us to come back. And what does Javier say to me? "Mommy, where's the baby?!" I told him that the baby was still in my tummy. And his response was "But you were going to the doctors today for your baby!" He made me laugh quite a bit with that one. Too bad it doesn't happen that fast. I would do nearly anything to hold my baby in my arms again. I would do anything to be able to hold Sophia in my arms just one more time.

Thank you princess for watching over us yesterday. I miss you with every single fiber of my being. I love you to the moon & back <3


  1. we did great yesterday. and i cannot wait to see our "bean"

    1. Me neither Angel. Next time, make sure to sign out of my account and into yours. It looks like I'm talking to myself LOL

  2. I am so glad that everything went good yesterday. You are in prayers all the time.

    1. Thanks Tab! I really appreciate your prayers!