Wednesday, July 11, 2012

10 weeks

We're officially out of the single digits. This means that I could simply find out right now if Baby Bean has Anencephaly or not. But, I have to wait another couple weeks for that appointment. I'm very scared and nervous, but I have faith that God will do whatever He can to prevent that from happening again. Like a friend said, rarely ever does lightning strike the same place twice. I sure hope she is right!

Had someone told me at this time last year, that'd I'd be 10 weeks pregnant, I never would have believed them. At this time last year, a new baby was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was to hold my precious Sophia in my arms and rock her to sleep. Tell her how much we all loved her. Sit back and watch her grow. And I still want that, even now! Unfortunately, that was not to be. God had other plans for her. I just wish I knew what those plans are! Now here we are, on yet another new journey. Every journey has it's own frightening moments I suppose. Now that the sickness has basically disappeared, I worry that something may  be wrong. When I felt sick all the time, I felt that something just wasn't right. After being in a situation like ours, you get freaked out over every little thing. I just want to make it to my appointment, be told that everything is perfectly fine, and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy since this will be my last.

I picture myself visiting Sophia's resting place with Baby Bean and "introducing" the two of them. I imagine myself sitting back over the next 20 years explaining to Bean that he/she has an older sister who could not be with us. Reminding him/her that just because he/she didn't get to meet her physically, doesn't mean she never existed. I will be sure to fill Bean in on all of our memories with Sophia and I hope to make many more over the years to come.

So now I sit here waiting for my next appointment. It seems like such a long ways to go. If I had it my way, I'd be at the hospital right now having an ultrasound done. And in a perfect world, I'd be told, "You have a healthy baby!". But this world is not perfect. Like many other parents, I know the pain & heartache of being told otherwise. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, but it's not always that easy. Sophia continues to give us signs. While Angel was out with the kids yesterday, he saw not one but three rainbows in the sky. That has to mean something good, right? Especially since there was no rain in sight!! Thank you for the beautiful signs, baby girl!

We received an invite yesterday to attend the 4th Annual Perinatal & Early Infant Loss Parent Conference. I believe we were also invited to this last year but we were unable to attend. I'd really like to go this year but we have to figure everything out first. The kids have school that day and they don't catch the bus until close to 8am and the conference starts at 7am. I'd really love to go though and meet other parents who know the pain we feel. Another Anen Mom is supposed to be attending as well and we've been trying to make plans to meet. I think this would be a perfect time to do so.

On another note, this Friday is Miss Katie's 1st Birthday! I cannot believe it has been one year already. We plan on having our own little celebration for her. I know cake & ice cream will be on our menu. I'm going to be on a search for THE perfect balloon for her so we can leave our messages and release it for her. Angel says he already has the perfect balloon in mind. I can't wait to see it! I'm so happy to have been able to know her. I thank her Mommy for sharing her with the world. Katie has left such a deep impression in my heart and the hearts of others across the world.

We miss and love you both, Sophia & Katie! I can just imagine the party that will be taking place in Heaven this Friday. I wish we could peek in and see what's going on. Happy (Early) Birthday, Katie!!

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