Friday, June 1, 2012

Butterflies Butterflies Everywhere!

We have made it to the one year mark. I wish I knew how we made it this far. I believe that it's Sophia who gave us the strength to stand tall and keep moving forward. For that, I thank her. I know that she is always nearby. I asked that she give us "butterflies butterflies everywhere" and she has done just that. I've heard several stories about butterflies being spotted on her birthday. They're such beautiful stories. Thank you for giving us your signs princess!

I wanted to do so much for her first birthday. Unfortunately we didn't get to do everything. But we did get to do the most important thing. We released several balloons for our baby girl and an extra special balloon for some extra special babies.

Before we released the balloons, I stopped in front of her headstone to wish her a Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday. Our secret friend left a special gift especially for Sophia. This one is protected so we were able to leave it there with her. It's the most precious thing I have ever laid my eyes on.

Look close enough and you see her name on the sides.
The little angel is also holding an angel feather <3
Attached to the gift was a little letter to us from Sophia that reads:

I'm sorry Mommy I left you so soon
I was there when the angels woke you
I know I was gone like a light right from the start
Mommy, remember
I'll always be in your heart
I listen to you dearly,
when you visit my grave. Please don't cry,
continue to be brave.
I didn't mean to leave you and Daddy so soon.
I was looking down from Heaven
when you all released the balloons.
Take care of my big brothers, my big sister,
and Daddy too.
There will always be a part of me living in all of you.
I will be waiting for you here, at the golden gate. No matter when you get
here it will never be too late.
I long to embrace you in my arms.
Don't worry Mommy, I am at a place where there is no harm.
I've earned my wings, I live in the sky.
I'm watching everyday so please don't cry.

The soft breeze you feel on your cheek, Daddy, is my kiss.
And the dreams you have, Mommy, are when I am visiting you.
To my brothers and sister, thank you for keeping my memory
alive in all you do.


I wish I knew who our secret friend was but I completely understand that they want to be kept anonymous. To our special friend, if you're reading this.... THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts! You never cease to amaze me. You have such a big loving heart. You have left a big imprint on my heart. I wish there were more people like you!

I sat there choking back the tears as I read this beautiful letter and gazed upon this precious gift. God, how I wish Sophia could've been sitting there with us... although I'm sure she was there in a way I cannot phathom. I miss her so very much.

Everyone left a special message on their balloon and sent them to the Heavens for Sophia and all of her beautiful friends. There were so many other angels that I wanted to add to this balloon but I didn't have enough time. We're planning on another balloon release very soon so I'll be able to add ALL of them then. I pulled my kiddos aside and whispered in their ears: "As soon as we release the balloons, let's start singing Happy Birthday, then everyone else will follow". And sure enough, that is what happened! It was beautiful. I wish we could've recorded it.

Now let's rewind to a few days ago-

I received an e-mail from a woman who has read every post I've made. I love that! This woman is an extra special one. She sort of stumbled across this blog accidently. She typed into Google search: Sophia Grace Anencephaly. And of course this very blogged popped up at the top. The reason for her search: Sophia Grace is her baby's name! She is currently pregnant with her Anencephaly Angel. I've sent my deepest condolences to her & her family. But it amazes me simply because she choose her baby's name before ever coming across this blog. I believe both of our girls were hard at work to point us into each others' direction. She has created a blog for her Sophia (Sophia Grace X2). I asked her if I could share the link to her blog with my readers. If you're interested in reading on this precious gift from God, hop on over to visit Sophia. I will continue to pray for this family & all families affected by (or who will be affected by) Anencephaly.

Fast forward to today-

As some of my Facebook friends already know, I took a home pregnancy test early this afternoon. I wasn't expecting much out of it. If anything, a negative result. Not today. Exactly one day after Sophia's 1st Heavenly Birthday we're given a positive result. Some have messaged and asked how I handled the result. And to be honest with everyone, I wasn't sure if I was reading it right so I had to have a friend double check and once she confirmed it, I broke. I cried for awhile. Of course I had to sneak outside because I'm not big on crying in front of people. My mom was here right after I took the test and she was estatic. I wish I could feel the way she does. Everyone seems to be so positive. But here I sat, crying like a baby. I cried because I'm scared of the "what-ifs". I cried because I'm afraid God will take this baby too. I cried because I don't want anyone to think I rushed into this and am trying to replace Sophia because that is totally not the case. I could have 1,000 babies and not one of them would ever replace her. I told myself months ago that if I were to end up pregnant, I would take it as a positive sign. That it would be God & Sophia's way of telling me, "Now is the time". We weren't exactly trying to get pregnant just yet, but we also weren't doing anything to prevent it from happening. So, here we are. I really want to be happy. I really need to be happy. But I can't seem to shake the fright. It just won't go away no matter how hard I try. I know that I will not be able to be excited or happy until I'm at home & snuggling with a newborn baby of my own. So for now, I will leave everything in God's hands.

I ask all of you to please say a quick prayer for us. Prayers couldn't hurt. I pray that God will give me the strength to get through this pregnancy & delivery in one piece. I pray that He will make this baby perfect in every way.

Baby Girl, I miss you with every ounce of my being. I wish you could be here in my arms right now. But you will forever be in my heart, where noone can ever take you away. I love you to the moon and back times infinity! Watch over your baby brother/sister. Floaty kisses coming your way always.


  1. Oh hunni. it has been forever since i have been on here... i went to CM because i just recently found out i am pregnant again, and thought i would check on you, but i noticed you hadn't been there in a while. I just wanted to let you know i still think of you, your family and sweet sophia every day and keep you in my prayers. congratulations on your news, i am praying that God keeps His hand on you and i know He and sophia grace are watching over and protecting you. :hugs:

    1. I don't get on CM very much anymore. But you can always find me on Facebook =) Congrats on your new baby! So happy for you. Thank you for your prayers. They mean so much to me. (((hugs)))