tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3202335916695505742024-02-07T03:40:49.050-05:00Sophia's JourneyTabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-53230540097630989542012-09-26T11:47:00.001-04:002012-09-26T11:47:23.768-04:00A Baby BrotherI know I haven't been keeping up with the blog lately. I've been so busy between baby appointments, helping kids with homework, and of course football practices and games. But now, I find myself with a few minutes to spare. I almost feel like a "visitor" to Sophia's blog. Here's to hoping I can come in at least once a week to update.<br />
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I'm sure you are all wondering what's up with the title of this post. And I'm here to share that news with you all!<br />
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As some of you may already know, one day after Sophia's 1st Heavenly Birthday, we received a positive home pregnancy test. This was not something we were trying for, but we weren't exactly preventing it either. While I stared at the test window, my emotions got the best of me. Within just a few short minutes, there was a faint positive. I must admit, I bawled like a baby. It was a mix of happy tears, sad tears, excited tears, etc. Most of all, I was afraid of what people might think. I really need to learn that it doesn't matter what other people think. This is OUR life to live, not theirs. I was afraid that people may think we were trying to replace Sophia. I was afraid that Sophia may feel as if she's being replaced. There were so many things running through my head at full speed.<br />
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The first 10 weeks were the hardest. I couldn't wait for that 10 week scan so we could hear that baby was developing perfectly. We had our first appointment at 8 weeks. It was a struggle to pull myself through the doors of the Women's Pavilion at Geisinger Medical Center. This place held many memories for me. The most recent memories were those where I was told that my unborn baby girl had a fatal birth defect (Anencephaly). I replayed the memory through my head, along with the memory of leaving that same hospital with empty arms. I sucked it up and walked in (but not before having an anxiety attack). During our appointment, I had asked for an ultrasound. Thankfully they planned on doing one, just to find out how far along I was. My dates matched! Baby Bean (as we nicknamed him during that ultrasound) was measuring just 1 day ahead. I was overcome with joy while laying there watching a little heart beating. So many women take that for granted. In previous pregnancies (before Sophia), I was one of those women. But now I knew what it was like to look at an ultrasound and see nothing but a lifeless body on the screen, no heartbeat in sight.<br />
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Our next appointment was scheduled for 2 weeks later. This appointment would be the one to tell us if Baby Bean's neural tube closed. Those 2 weeks seem to have gone by so slow. Before we knew it, it was time to go. Baby Bean was no longer just a "bean", but a miniature baby. The tech told us everything looked perfect. Bean was measuring a few days ahead and everything looked great. We met with one of our doctors afterward and he gave us the same reassuring news. I couldn't wait to get home and show the kids the pictures!<br />
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Next appointment was a couple weeks later. We had the blood drawn for the Quad Screen. I figured that we had nothing to worry about because we had the First Trimester Screen done and everything came back fine. Well, little did I know, the Quad Screen results came back as positive for an ONTD. I felt my world crashing down around me all over again. How could this happen? I had myself so worked up and scared that I started breaking out in hives all over my hands and feet. Angel decided to call MFM and see if they could get me in sooner. The secretary passed a message on from the doctor saying we might as well wait until our scheduled scan so they can see things more clearly. These few weeks went by so slow. I wanted to know things right away. Over those few weeks I had prepared myself to expect some bad news.<br />
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The big day was here. September 19th! Time for our scan. According to the paper I received in the mail, we were to be in the same room as we were in when we received Sophia's diagnosis. I was relieved to find out that room was already taken. Soon after, the scan was underway. I couldn't believe how much Baby Bean had grown since our last scan. First things first, the tech checked out Baby Bean's head. She measured everything and it came back right where it should be. Everything intact! I couldn't be happier. But this wasn't the only thing that had to be checked out. We were able to see little hands and feet, legs and arms, and an adorable little face. We were also able to hear the heart beat. I love this sound! She measured it and it came in at 159bpm.<br />
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After just a few minutes, she was asking if we wanted to know the sex of our baby. This is one of the moments we had been waiting for. I said yes and immediately turned my head to look at the monitor that was hanging from the wall. Before she could say anything, I looked over at Angel and said, "It's a boy!" and she agreed. We were expecting our 4th baby boy! From there she went on to look at a few other things. After that, she was trying to get a good shot of his spine. He just wasn't having it! She had me roll over onto my left side to see if that would make him move. And boy did he move! He started rolling around. As soon as she was able to get the shot she was looking for, he decided to hide his little hiney in my ribs. His spine looked perfect but we were unable to see the tail bone area. Soon after, the doctor came in the room to explain to us why our Quad Screen results came back positive. He mentioned about not being able to see the tail bone area but that he wasn't overly concerned. I couldn't be any happier. Our results were a false positive. All that worrying for nothing. Preparing myself for the worst news imaginable just to be given the best possible news.<br />
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I couldn't wait to leave the hospital and get home to tell my family, my kids especially. My boys were so excited. My daughter a little less so. It took some talking to get her to be a bit excited about our newest addition. I explained to her that now she doesn't have to share the title of Princess with anyone other than Sophia. Mercedes is our earthly princess and Sophia being our Heavenly Princess. Now she says she is pretty happy about expecting another baby brother, as long as she can help take care of him.<br />
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Now our countdown is on. We are officially 21 weeks today. Only 19 weeks to go. I sit here and look back at the last 21 weeks. Some of those weeks drug by, while others seem to have flown by. I'm excited and overjoyed to meet our precious Mateo Alexander. I'm finally at a comfortable stage in my pregnancy. No more morning sickness. I'm finally at a position where I'm enjoying this pregnancy. I'm loving the feeling of Mateo moving and kicking around. I love watching my belly grow as the weeks continue to slip by. Some days I wish it were February. Other days I wish I could stay pregnant forever.<br />
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Our family is nearly complete. Our family of 8, one of those 8 watching over us from Heaven. God, how I wish Sophia was still here with us. But I know that just because she isn't here in a physical way doesn't mean she isn't with us in a spiritual way. She watches over us daily. I miss her so very much....Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-36583261167612434912012-07-31T12:19:00.001-04:002012-07-31T12:19:29.977-04:00Our Rainbow After The StormThe days leading up to July 30th were some of the most nerve-wracking days I've ever been through. Our ultrasound was scheduled for July 30th. We left early, like we normally do. I've been waiting for a very special gift to come in the mail. Before leaving, I checked the mailbox. Nothing. I let out a sigh and walked my way to the car. Just as we were pulling out, there was the mailman loading up his bag to deliver in our neighborhood. Angel stopped next to him and asked if we had any mail. Without hesitation, he handed me the special package I had been waiting for. We thanked him and drove off. Boy, had this Angel mommy really taped it shut. Before we made it out of town, I was able to get it opened. First thing I pulled out was a set of tea candles. I LOVE candles! I quickly smelled them. They smelled absolutely beautiful. Next, I notice something big wrapped up in tissue paper. By the time we reached Sheetz, I was sitting there, reading what was inside. Such a beautiful poem lying inside an absolutely adorable picture frame. After reading this poem, I was in tears! This poem has touched me deeply. And knowing she wrote it herself makes it that much more special to me. It reads:<br />
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This candle's flame may flicker,</div>
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but its fire will never die.</div>
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Though you miss her dearly,</div>
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In your heart she'll always lie.</div>
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This candle's made for you,</div>
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To represent your love,</div>
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For the daughter you lost too quickly,</div>
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Now watching from above.</div>
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This candle's warmth</div>
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Is meant to ease your weary heart,</div>
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To help you through the days</div>
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That you and she are apart.</div>
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This candle's whispered promise</div>
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Is solely meant for you,</div>
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A mother so precious,</div>
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For her child,</div>
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There isn't anything</div>
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She wouldn't do.</div>
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This candle signifies a love so pure and deep,</div>
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And though she isn't here on Earth,</div>
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She's always yours to keep</div>
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Sophia Grace Velazquez</div>
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Forever Loved</div>
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I couldn't thank her enough for he kindness and love she has shown me. I thank our angels daily for bringing us to one another. As I sat there reading this poem, my eyes were filled with tears. After reading it, I looked up to the Heavens and whispered a heartfelt "thank you". This special gift couldn't have come at a better time. I had prepared myself to hear bad news on this day. This gift reminded me of all I have to be thankful for. And that I really need to stay in a positive state of mind.</div>
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We continued our journey to Geisinger Medical Center. Along the way, I spotted hundreds (literally) of butterflies. I imagined this as being Sophia and all her angel friends telling me, "You are not alone. We're watching out for you." And I truly believe they were. I said a silent prayer, asking God to allow my daughter to be at my side. I also asked for Him to allow all her friends to be right there with her. I believe He answered that prayer! I remember telling myself, "Everyone else is getting their rainbows. Or they have recently had their's. Can I please have mine? Can you please ease my heart, just a little bit? This heaviness becomes so much to bear at times. I need a little joy."</div>
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In no time, we made it to the hospital. At exactly 1:09pm, we were parked and ready to walk through those doors. These doors hold many memories for us. Memories of walking in to deliver 2 of my sons. Memories of walking out with 2 gorgeous boys in my arms. Memories of walking in, receiving heartbreaking news that our daughter would not survive. Memories of walking out with a white bunny in my arms, tears flowing freely from my eyes. Memories of walking in, not knowing I was in labor. Memories of walking out with empty arms, a heavy heart, and tears stinging my eyes. Memories of walking in to be told our baby has a beautiful heart beat. Walking out with a small smile on my face. Memories of walking in, not sure what we'd be told. </div>
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We checked in. There was no place to sit! The waiting room was exploding with people. I remember looking around and seeing a priest sitting in one of the chairs. I secretly prayed and hoped he wasn't there to support a family going through a loss journey of their own. After a few minutes, I found a place to sit. I began praying again. We NEEDED good news this time around. After a few more minutes, we were called in. Blood pressure was great. I put on an extra 4 pounds since our last visit (1 pound a week). Shortly after, the doc was in the room. We spoke for a few minutes, I explained how scared I was. She tried to ease my worries. She told me to hop up on the bed, it was time to listen to baby's heart beat. I was getting nervous as it took her a little bit to find Bean's heart beat. She kept it there for a good 2 minutes or longer. Such a beautiful sound. I laid there smiling from ear to ear. I knew what it was like to have a monitor on my belly and not hear anything coming out. She even said that baby sounds like a girl. We'll find out soon enough. At that time, baby's heart beat was in the 150s.</div>
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Next, we had appointments with a nutritionist, and a social worker. Easy! We'd been through this before. It went by rather quickly. Then it was time to check out and check in to MFM. Now is when the fun begins. I could feel my heart beating through my chest. In no time, we had our first MFM appointment with a Genetic Counselor. She reviewed our family history (or what we know of it). Nothing has changed since last year. She explained to me about having a First Trimester Screening done. I was all for it. After talking for awhile, she went off to find one of the nurses from MFM. It felt like we were waiting forever! Angel actually fell asleep on the couch waiting for the nurse to come. We went in, she checked my weight and blood pressure. Everything was the same as it was earlier. We were taken to Exam Room 4. </div>
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As soon as we walked in, Angel said "Oh no, not this room!" and I wasn't quite sure what he meant. I started looking around,. I knew what he meant. This was the room we were in when we were having the prenatal echo done to find out exactly what heart defect Sophia had. I felt my body tense up. I was starting to worry. Within about 10 minutes, the ultrasound tech walked in. She introduced herself and we got things under way. I laid there on the bed, holding my head up, just waiting to see Bean's head. I knew what I was looking for this time. As soon as she made her way towards the head, I noticed a beautiful round head. I said nothing, in case my eyes were playing tricks on me. Angel didn't hesitate. He said, "This is the head right?" and the tech responded with, "Yes, that is the baby's head." He starred for a few minutes and then asked, "Everything looks good right? No openings? No Anencephaly?" and her response was, "You're right! The baby looks perfect. Baby is measuring a few days ahead but that's just fine." After she spoke those words, I put my head down on the pillow with a whisper of, "Thank you, God!" Every time she said that baby looks perfect (it had to be about 3 times) I said the same thing over again. We listened to baby's heart beat. An amazing 178bpm! She took some pictures for us and just went around looking at everything. At one time, Bean was hanging upside down. Another time, baby rolled and tried to hide in my back. I think he/she was getting tired of the pictures. She wanted to take just one more picture for us. A 4D picture. She switched probes and pushed a button. The screen changed! I noticed this itty bitty baby laying in there shaking his/her head up and down as if saying yes along with moving his/her arm up and down, as if asking a passing truck to blow their horn. She finished up and allowed me to use the restroom. </div>
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About 10 minutes later, Doc Maslow came in. I missed seeing him. He sat down next to me with a smile on his face. He rubbed my arm as he said, "Baby looks perfect! I see no defects and no Anencephaly. I'm so happy to give you this news. It's much better news than we've had to give you in the past." He was so right! I felt like crying! I held myself together. He walked us over to check out and told the receptionist to schedule me for 7 weeks. In 7 weeks, we will know if Bean is a Boy or a Girl. I was so happy. The happiest I have been in a long time. We scheduled our scan... set for September 19th. No more super long appointments. </div>
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Now I sit back, I'm finally enjoying this pregnancy. I haven't been able to wipe this smile from my face. I owe all the thanks to God and my own special Guardian Angel. I've held on to my faith as if I were dying. I prayed more yesterday than I have in my entire life. I do believe that God hears our prayers... and answers them. Sometimes we do not always like the answer. Sometimes there is a lesson to be learned. And so I have. I've learned to love on a much larger scale. I've learned to forgive because holding a grudge will not get me anywhere. I've learned to hold on to my faith, no matter what. I've learned to appreciate life, for life is truly too short and precious. I've learned to let the small things slide. Most of all, I've learned to dance in the rain! After every storm, there lies a rainbow. You just have to open your eyes to find it.<br />
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Our rainbow is brewing! Time to enjoy every little thing about this pregnancy. This will be my last baby. And my last baby is my RAINBOW!<br />
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Please keep our family in your prayers while we wait for test results for Downs, Trisomy 13, and Trisomy 18. Prayers would also be nice for an uneventful pregnancy, an easy surgery, and a great recovery. Thank you all so much for joining us on this ride of grief and journey to joy.Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-55112188692226349112012-07-11T14:57:00.002-04:002012-07-11T15:01:02.195-04:0010 weeksWe're officially out of the single digits. This means that I could simply find out right now if Baby Bean has Anencephaly or not. But, I have to wait another couple weeks for that appointment. I'm very scared and nervous, but I have faith that God will do whatever He can to prevent that from happening again. Like a friend said, rarely ever does lightning strike the same place twice. I sure hope she is right!<br />
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Had someone told me at this time last year, that'd I'd be 10 weeks pregnant, I never would have believed them. At this time last year, a new baby was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was to hold my precious Sophia in my arms and rock her to sleep. Tell her how much we all loved her. Sit back and watch her grow. And I still want that, even now! Unfortunately, that was not to be. God had other plans for her. I just wish I knew what those plans are! Now here we are, on yet another new journey. Every journey has it's own frightening moments I suppose. Now that the sickness has basically disappeared, I worry that something may be wrong. When I felt sick all the time, I felt that something just wasn't right. After being in a situation like ours, you get freaked out over every little thing. I just want to make it to my appointment, be told that everything is perfectly fine, and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy since this will be my last.<br />
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I picture myself visiting Sophia's resting place with Baby Bean and "introducing" the two of them. I imagine myself sitting back over the next 20 years explaining to Bean that he/she has an older sister who could not be with us. Reminding him/her that just because he/she didn't get to meet her physically, doesn't mean she never existed. I will be sure to fill Bean in on all of our memories with Sophia and I hope to make many more over the years to come.<br />
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So now I sit here waiting for my next appointment. It seems like such a long ways to go. If I had it my way, I'd be at the hospital right now having an ultrasound done. And in a perfect world, I'd be told, "You have a healthy baby!". But this world is not perfect. Like many other parents, I know the pain & heartache of being told otherwise. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, but it's not always that easy. Sophia continues to give us signs. While Angel was out with the kids yesterday, he saw not one but three rainbows in the sky. That has to mean something good, right? Especially since there was no rain in sight!! Thank you for the beautiful signs, baby girl!<br />
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We received an invite yesterday to attend the 4th Annual Perinatal & Early Infant Loss Parent Conference. I believe we were also invited to this last year but we were unable to attend. I'd really like to go this year but we have to figure everything out first. The kids have school that day and they don't catch the bus until close to 8am and the conference starts at 7am. I'd really love to go though and meet other parents who know the pain we feel. Another Anen Mom is supposed to be attending as well and we've been trying to make plans to meet. I think this would be a perfect time to do so.<br />
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On another note, this Friday is Miss Katie's 1st Birthday! I cannot believe it has been one year already. We plan on having our own little celebration for her. I know cake & ice cream will be on our menu. I'm going to be on a search for THE perfect balloon for her so we can leave our messages and release it for her. Angel says he already has the perfect balloon in mind. I can't wait to see it! I'm so happy to have been able to know her. I thank her Mommy for sharing her with the world. Katie has left such a deep impression in my heart and the hearts of others across the world.<br />
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We miss and love you both, Sophia & Katie! I can just imagine the party that will be taking place in Heaven this Friday. I wish we could peek in and see what's going on. Happy (Early) Birthday, Katie!!Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-86892518958088481742012-06-28T12:50:00.002-04:002012-06-28T12:50:15.294-04:00The Beginning of a New JourneyIt looks like we've started a new journey. I hope this path is a little less bumpy than others we have traveled on. Yesterday was our first appointment for Baby Bean. That nickname doesn't come easy. I'll get to that a little later in this post.<div>
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Appointment time: 1:30pm. Travel time: 29 minutes</div>
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We left the house around 12:45 yesterday afternoon. We had to stop and make sure we had enough gas in the truck. Not to mention, this momma needed a bottle of water for the trip! After our brief visit at the gas station, we were on our way! From the minute we left the house, I was scared. I wasn't sure what this appointment was going to lead to. The closer and closer we got to Geisinger Medical Center Women's Pavilion, the more I started to panic. Sophia was sure to make her presence known. All along the way, we kept seeing butterflies flying right towards the truck. First a white one, the ones that remind me of Sophia the most. Followed by an orange and black one (monarch). A few feet later, another white one came in our direction. I remember thinking, "This must be Sophia's way of telling us that everything will be okay". As we kept going on this country road, another butterfly came along. This one was yellow. I couldn't help but to stare out the window looking for butterflies as we passed. And just before getting off this road, another white butterfly flew to the front windshield. I kept taking deep breaths. I knew Sophia would be by my side.</div>
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Once we made it to the hospital, we had a hard time finding a parking spot. Anyone who has been to Geisinger Medical Center in Danville knows exactly what I mean. After nearly getting clipped by a young female driver, we finally found a spot to park. I was in full panic mode by then. I just wanted to turn around and leave. This hospital held a lot of painful memories, but also some good memories. My 2 youngest sons were both born in this hospital. One in 2005 and another in 2007. In 2011 is when everything changed for me. This was the hospital I was in when Sophia was diagnosed with Anencephaly. This is the hospital where Sophia was born. This was the hospital that changed my life forever. I was afraid that if I walked back into this hospital, that I'd be given another devastating blow. </div>
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We finally checked in at 1:25pm. 5 minutes early! So of course I had to ask for our social worker. God knows I needed her yesterday. Unfortunately, she was off so we couldn't speak with her while we waited for our turn. So we sat in the waiting room making small conversation with another woman who was waiting for her friend to come out from her appointment. After awhile the nurse came out for us. She checked my weight & blood pressure, along with other things. After that was done, she put us in a patient education room while we waited for an open exam room. As we sat in this room, I felt myself becoming more nervous. That's when I realized I had been in this room before. This was one of the rooms we sat in last year, talking with our social worker about our birth plan for Sophia. I felt like getting up and running away. Instead, I decided to just sit on my hands. This is when Angel noticed that something wasn't right. I refreshed his memory. The nurse apologized. No big deal, she didn't really know what we went through last year. All she knew is what is in my records. After going through my medical history, it was time to head to an open exam room. </div>
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We waited for a bit for her to come into the room. She was very nice. This was the first time we had ever met with this midwife. She shook our hands and introduced herself. After introductions, she asked how I was feeling. And I told her honestly that I was scared and very nervous. That part of me just wanted to run right out of the hospital. I asked her if there was any way she could do an ultrasound to ease my worry, even just a little bit. She told me she understood why I was so scared and that she would definitely do an ultrasound for us. She also told us that she wouldn't be able to rule out any defects because it was too early. I knew that. I just wanted to see if I could notice anything. After doing "the exam", she wheeled in the ultrasound equipment. Just as I expected, I could feel myself being pushed over the edge. I was afraid of what I might see. While I laid there, I couldn't help but think of my 4 living babies waiting for me to come home. I couldn't help but to think of Sophia. All of a sudden, this little "baby bean" shows on the monitor. This tiny little bean will become a full sized newborn baby? I couldn't believe it! I nearly missed it, but I did a double take and seen this slight flickering on the baby. The midwife went on to tell us that this was our baby's heart beat. OUR BABY!!! I was full of smiles! Some people take that for granted, seeing their babies heart beats on an ultrasound monitor. But I knew what it was like to see a baby WITHOUT a heart beat on an ultrasound. I knew what it was like to be given a fatal prenatal diagnosis.... at this very hospital! She went on to tell us that baby is looking very good right now and is measuring at 8 weeks & 1 day. I was off on my due date by 1 day. Looks like our due date is February 6, 2013 instead of February 7th.</div>
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After this was done, we had to go over to the lab to have some blood drawn. I couldn't wait to leave! I just wanted to get home and tell my kids the good news. It was around 6pm when I got to see them again. My mom decided to take the kids to the community pool while they waited for us to come back. And what does Javier say to me? "Mommy, where's the baby?!" I told him that the baby was still in my tummy. And his response was "But you were going to the doctors today for your baby!" He made me laugh quite a bit with that one. Too bad it doesn't happen that fast. I would do nearly anything to hold my baby in my arms again. I would do anything to be able to hold Sophia in my arms just one more time.</div>
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Thank you princess for watching over us yesterday. I miss you with every single fiber of my being. I love you to the moon & back <3</div>
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<br /></div>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-7208641264666218012012-06-01T22:51:00.001-04:002012-06-01T22:51:27.337-04:00Butterflies Butterflies Everywhere!We have made it to the one year mark. I wish I knew how we made it this far. I believe that it's Sophia who gave us the strength to stand tall and keep moving forward. For that, I thank her. I know that she is always nearby. I asked that she give us "butterflies butterflies everywhere" and she has done just that. I've heard several stories about butterflies being spotted on her birthday. They're such beautiful stories. Thank you for giving us your signs princess!<br />
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I wanted to do so much for her first birthday. Unfortunately we didn't get to do everything. But we did get to do the most important thing. We released several balloons for our baby girl and an extra special balloon for some extra special babies. <br />
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Before we released the balloons, I stopped in front of her headstone to wish her a Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday. Our secret friend left a special gift especially for Sophia. This one is protected so we were able to leave it there with her. It's the most precious thing I have ever laid my eyes on.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look close enough and you see her name on the sides.<br />
The little angel is also holding an angel feather <3</td></tr>
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Attached to the gift was a little letter to us from Sophia that reads:<br />
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I'm sorry Mommy I left you so soon</div>
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I was there when the angels woke you</div>
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I know I was gone like a light right from the start</div>
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Mommy, remember</div>
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I'll always be in your heart</div>
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I listen to you dearly,</div>
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when you visit my grave. Please don't cry,</div>
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continue to be brave.</div>
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I didn't mean to leave you and Daddy so soon.</div>
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I was looking down from Heaven</div>
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when you all released the balloons.</div>
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Take care of my big brothers, my big sister,</div>
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and Daddy too.</div>
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There will always be a part of me living in all of you.</div>
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I will be waiting for you here, at the golden gate. No matter when you get</div>
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here it will never be too late.</div>
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I long to embrace you in my arms.</div>
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Don't worry Mommy, I am at a place where there is no harm.</div>
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I've earned my wings, I live in the sky.</div>
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I'm watching everyday so please don't cry.</div>
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The soft breeze you feel on your cheek, Daddy, is my kiss.</div>
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And the dreams you have, Mommy, are when I am visiting you.</div>
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To my brothers and sister, thank you for keeping my memory</div>
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alive in all you do.</div>
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Love,</div>
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Sophia</div>
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I wish I knew who our secret friend was but I completely understand that they want to be kept anonymous. To our special friend, if you're reading this.... THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts! You never cease to amaze me. You have such a big loving heart. You have left a big imprint on my heart. I wish there were more people like you!</div>
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I sat there choking back the tears as I read this beautiful letter and gazed upon this precious gift. God, how I wish Sophia could've been sitting there with us... although I'm sure she was there in a way I cannot phathom. I miss her so very much.</div>
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Everyone left a special message on their balloon and sent them to the Heavens for Sophia and all of her beautiful friends. There were so many other angels that I wanted to add to this balloon but I didn't have enough time. We're planning on another balloon release very soon so I'll be able to add ALL of them then. I pulled my kiddos aside and whispered in their ears: "As soon as we release the balloons, let's start singing Happy Birthday, then everyone else will follow". And sure enough, that is what happened! It was beautiful. I wish we could've recorded it.</div>
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Now let's rewind to a few days ago-</div>
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I received an e-mail from a woman who has read every post I've made. I love that! This woman is an extra special one. She sort of stumbled across this blog accidently. She typed into Google search: Sophia Grace Anencephaly. And of course this very blogged popped up at the top. The reason for her search: Sophia Grace is her baby's name! She is currently pregnant with her Anencephaly Angel. I've sent my deepest condolences to her & her family. But it amazes me simply because she choose her baby's name before ever coming across this blog. I believe both of our girls were hard at work to point us into each others' direction. She has created a blog for her Sophia (Sophia Grace X2). I asked her if I could share the link to her blog with my readers. If you're interested in reading on this precious gift from God, hop on over to visit <a href="http://ourangelsophia.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Sophia</a>. I will continue to pray for this family & all families affected by (or who will be affected by) Anencephaly.</div>
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Fast forward to today-</div>
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As some of my Facebook friends already know, I took a home pregnancy test early this afternoon. I wasn't expecting much out of it. If anything, a negative result. Not today. Exactly one day after Sophia's 1st Heavenly Birthday we're given a positive result. Some have messaged and asked how I handled the result. And to be honest with everyone, I wasn't sure if I was reading it right so I had to have a friend double check and once she confirmed it, I broke. I cried for awhile. Of course I had to sneak outside because I'm not big on crying in front of people. My mom was here right after I took the test and she was estatic. I wish I could feel the way she does. Everyone seems to be so positive. But here I sat, crying like a baby. I cried because I'm scared of the "what-ifs". I cried because I'm afraid God will take this baby too. I cried because I don't want anyone to think I rushed into this and am trying to replace Sophia because that is totally not the case. I could have 1,000 babies and not one of them would ever replace her. I told myself months ago that if I were to end up pregnant, I would take it as a positive sign. That it would be God & Sophia's way of telling me, "Now is the time". We weren't exactly trying to get pregnant just yet, but we also weren't doing anything to prevent it from happening. So, here we are. I really want to be happy. I really need to be happy. But I can't seem to shake the fright. It just won't go away no matter how hard I try. I know that I will not be able to be excited or happy until I'm at home & snuggling with a newborn baby of my own. So for now, I will leave everything in God's hands.</div>
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I ask all of you to please say a quick prayer for us. Prayers couldn't hurt. I pray that God will give me the strength to get through this pregnancy & delivery in one piece. I pray that He will make this baby perfect in every way.</div>
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Baby Girl, I miss you with every ounce of my being. I wish you could be here in my arms right now. But you will forever be in my heart, where noone can ever take you away. I love you to the moon and back times infinity! Watch over your baby brother/sister. Floaty kisses coming your way always.</div>
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</div>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-16575116465270328432012-04-27T19:05:00.003-04:002012-04-27T19:05:58.768-04:00Team Sophia's Angels!I'm at it again. Completely forgetting to blog. I've been so wrapped up in planning different fundraisers for Team Sophia's Angels. But I've taken a break from that because we've hit our team goal. Unfortunately, some teammates are having a hard time reaching their personal goals. I wish some of them lived a little closer so I could help them. We're just 9 days away from walk day. I'm very excited. I'm sure it's going to be a very emotional day. I'm hoping to be able to donate some baby hats to labor & delivery on the day of the walk as well. It's going to be such a special day. Where the walk is located it also the same place where Sophia was diagnosed & delivered. The staff was amazing. I figure that making hats for these babies is the least I can do to help other families faced with the same diagnosis. <br />
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Our team t-shirts are finally here! We received our sample today. I was very surprised with how similar they look to Katie's Fighters t-shirts (which is not what we're trying to do). We left the design up to the guy who is making them. Angel went over last week and ok'd the design. He walked in today with this: <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Navy blue t-shirt with silver lettering<br />
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I loved it! I know we're pushing it pretty close here so I would love to be able to put an order in by Monday so we can have our t-shirts by walk day. I'd love to have a sea of blue and silver! If you're interested in a t-shirt, please let me know. If you're unable to make it to our walk and would still like to support Team Sophia's Angels, please let me know. As of right now, I believe there is no deadline for our supporters. But for our team, we'd like to have an order in right away. I want our team to look organized. I can't wait to see just how many people show up. I'm excited for so many reasons. I can't even begin to explain how much this means to us. <br />
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We'll also have a special guest with us on walk day. My little nephew, Isaiah (aka Zah), will be with us! He's our little fighter. As of right now, he's on his trip with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Just hearing that brings many different emotions. Happiness, because his wish is being granted. Sadness because well, we all know what the Make-A-Wish Foundation is set up for. Isaiah will be accompanied by his Mommy, older sister, and twin baby brother & sister. I cannot wait to see them! We also have a special angel mommy coming in for the walk. I can't wait to finally meet her. I'm sure we'll have plenty of laughs and probably many tears shed. It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions next weekend.<br />
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I'll be back to my regular blogging soon enough. I have lots of catch up on.<br />
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Much love and many hugs to our readers and supporters of TSA!!!Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-26194587026426721972012-04-10T23:53:00.001-04:002012-04-10T23:53:48.053-04:00First EasterI knew right away Easter wasn't going to be an easy day. Last year I was still carrying Sophia, all snug inside my womb. Watched the kids as they dyed their eggs and showed me which ones they made for Sophia. This year, I sat here... empty. Both in the arms and in my womb. They each made their own special eggs for Sophia. Some were green and pink, just like last year. And some were purple. All I could do was smile. At least they haven't forgotten about their baby sister. <br />
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When the Easter Bunny finally made his way here, I couldn't help but choke back tears the entire time. I watched as the kids baskets were being filled and couldn't help but think, "There's a basket missing. There is a child no longer with us." I kept taking in deep breaths. Angel looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I didn't have to answer him after he seen my face. He knew. At this point, I just wanted to run away and cry. Peter Cottontail did not stay long. He knew how upset I was so he made it a quick visit.<br />
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I tried to get myself back into better spirits. But nothing seemed to work. I didn't want to wake up on Easter Sunday. I'd rather just sleep the day away. I knew I wasn't going to get out of this so I woke up and watched my kids as they searched through their Easter baskets. Once again, I was stuck choking back tears. I didn't want to let them loose. If I get all upset, the kids follow suit and I didn't want to upset them.<br />
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Dinner time came. We invited my parents over. We didn't have a whole lot of company. I wasn't really in the mood to see anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. But, we had them come over and spend the day with us. While I was eating dinner, I found myself daydreaming. I was sitting there eating my mashed potatoes and just zoned out. Thinking about how I would be giving Sophia tastes of mashed potatoes from my plate, along with mashed peas. She wasn't here for me to do this. Several times my eyes filled up with tears. But I couldn't allow myself to break. The day was almost over and I had to keep strong... at least until the kids were in bed that night. I snapped out of it and finished my dinner.<br />
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Shortly after dinner, we went for our visit with Sophia. We had a couple gifts to bring to her. Angel decided he wanted to give her his chocolate bunny. We also had a solar light for her. This isn't your ordinary solar light. It caught my eye immediately at the store. It looks like a sunflower, and has a small purple butterfly sitting on one of the petals. When we got there, we noticed someone had been there before us. Whoever this person is, left Sophia her own personal Easter basket. The moment I saw it, my eyes filled with tears and a smile spread across my face. Inside the basket sat a stuffed lamb, with a heart plaque that reads, "Love never falters nor gives up". It was wrapped up in yellow plastic. On the outside, there is a clear ornament with "angel feathers" inside of it. Right next to it sits a poem. The cutest poem I have ever read:<br />
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Feathers From An Angel <br /> Are Hardly Ever Seen<br /> But These Are Quite Different<br /> There Special As Can Be.<br /><br /><span class="text_exposed_show">These Feathers Are A Reminder<br /> Of A Special Person's Love<br /> Who Is Now Your Guardian Angel <br /> Watching And Protecting<br /> From Above.</span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show">We have yet to find the person responsible for leaving this for her. I completely understand if they don't want us to know. By the time we made it home, I had to have Angel run back to retrieve her basket. It was starting to look like rain and I'd hate to see her first Easter basket get ruined. Now, it sits on our kitchen table for all to see.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophia's lamb</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophia's Angel Feathers</td></tr>
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It is so nice to know that there are other people out there who care about and love our precious girl as much as we do. To see that someone took time out of their day to drop off a little something that means so much to us, is amazing! If you're reading this post, THANK YOU! Truly from the bottom of our hearts!<br />
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Seeing this gift helped me make it through the rest of my day. It has yet to get easier since Easter. But I'm throwing myself back into planning. We have a bake sale coming up this weekend for Team Sophia's Angels. All money raised will be going directly towards our goal for March of Dimes! I'm very excited about this walk and really need to get my head in the game. I also have to start planning birthday parties that are coming up next month, along with a memorial party for Sophia. I can't believe she'll be one in just a little over a month from now.<br />
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We hope that all of our readers have had a wonderful and blessed Easter season.<br />
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Sophia Grace, Happy 45 weeks! We miss and love you so very much. Not a day goes by that we don't think of you. Please continue to show us your signs that you're always around. We love you baby girl <3<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Easter Sunday!<br />
(Chocolate bunny off to the left, solar light directly in the middle, basket to the right)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-64380434986344264232012-03-16T02:17:00.001-04:002012-03-16T02:17:33.060-04:00HappinessToday has been rather strange. I started my day off by cleaning and rearranging the house... trying my best to keep my mind occupied. Now here I am at 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm missing my beautiful girl more then words could even describe. I've said this plenty of times before, but I'm happy I'm not the only one who has been faced with Anencephaly. At the same time, it upsets me to know that other couples know our pain & heartache. It's not something I would wish on anyone. It's an indescribable pain. One that never goes away.<br />
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I've been told hundreds of times now that the grieving process gets easier with time. I never believed that. But here I am, 41 weeks and 2 days later, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'm able to wear a real smile then hide behind a fake one. I have lots to be happy about. I've got 5 beautiful kids... 2 daughters and 3 sons. They're my world. They all make me so proud. I know now that Sophia is very happy and being well taken care of. I also know that a day will come when we will all be reunited with her. What a fantastic day that will be! Knowing Sophia is happy, brings happiness to me. <br />
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Occasionally, I still post the depressing things. But as of lately, my Facebook statuses have been about more positive things, jokes, etc. Does this mean I am over our loss? Most certainly not! Does this mean I am the "old" me? Definitely not! Does this mean I no longer miss my beautiful baby girl? Now that's absurd! Nothing changes, just my feelings. I'm sure I will still have my fair share of down & depressed days. But for now, I'm smiling! Smiling because I know when I go outside and the sun is shining brightly on my face, I know that's Sophia!! Smiling because I know it is what Sophia would want me to do. Smiling because I have such wonderful friends and family. An amazing support system on Facebook (yes, I said it. Facebook.) Those women know who they are. If it weren't for you ladies, I don't know where I would be right now. <br />
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The time is coming closer and closer for our March of Dimes walk. I'm getting rather excited. Donations have been coming in small & large amounts. That doesn't matter, every little bit helps! In my eyes, if we can all get together and raise some money for a great cause in Sophia's honor, that's like keeping Sophia's spirit and story alive through another child. Sure, they will never get the chance to know who she is. That's the beauty of it. Helping someone and them not knowing who did it or why. They just "did". I've got a few plans brewing, I'm hoping to be able to follow through with them all.<br />
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In the meantime, I have birthday parties to plan for. Sophia's oldest brother turned 10 2 days ago. We're having his party tomorrow and he's super excited. I'm sure he'll be keeping Sophia close to him, in his heart. He misses her so very much, as all the kids do. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that she knows how much he loves her and misses her. So I'm sure she'll be right there beside him on his special day.<br />
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On a side note, we're still spreading awareness on Sophia's condition. We did the article with the newspaper first. Next step: radio! That should be underway sometime next month. We just have to get everything set up with the wonderful man who has agreed to help us on our quest on spreading the much needed awareness on Anencephaly. If you haven't read Sophia's article yet, there is a tab at the top that will take you right to it. If you haven't donated or joined Team Sophia's Angels yet, there is a tab above for that too. <br />
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We'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has stayed by our side throughout the past 13 months. You're all fantastic people. We love you all!<br />
<br />Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-62713327362134208822012-03-02T02:27:00.000-05:002012-03-02T02:27:29.756-05:00Guilt tripsAs of lately, I've been having so many guilt trips, it's unbelievable! I have had so many within the last couple weeks. Today, my biggest one was because I haven't been able to come visit your resting place since Christmas Day. I feel so horrible about that. In the beginning, I used to come visit you every single day. After a little while, it changed to every other day. At some point, it changed to a few times a week. Then to once a week. I tried promising myself it would never become less often. But here I am, a little over 2 months and I haven't been able to visit with you. So, Sharyl was messaging me and said she'd be willing to go with me! That completely made my day. Unfortunately when we made it there, it was already so dark and very hard to see. I wanted to make sure all your things were still in their right place and unharmed. I could see slightly with the lights from our cellphones. It looked like everything was still there. I didn't get to stay very long at all because Sharyl had to be home by a certain time. Not to mention, it was very cold up there. So I gave my kisses to you and left. I came home and let it be known just how bad I feel. Nana & Pappy were here. They said that they were planning on picking up some flowers for you and asked if I wanted to come visit with you tomorrow, during the day. So here I am, all excited again. After leaving you tonight, I felt a sense of peace (along with more guilt because I really shouldn't have to leave you behind). <br />
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I've also been feeling guilty because I haven't been updating your blog much lately. I know we have 53 followers as of right now and I feel as if I am disappointing them along with you. I've been trying to very hard to get your story out there and here I am, stalling. I even made a video for you! I posted it several times on Facebook and on your page. Last I checked, you had 520+ hits. It makes me proud to know that the story of your life is circulating around the internet. It seems like the internet is the only way people communicate these days so I figured it would be worth a try. It has brought so many tears to the eyes of many, myself included. I'm going to try to figure out how to add the video to your blog. Then all our readers can take a look at it, in case they didn't see the link on Facebook. Even with that, I feel as if I left something very important out. I'm not sure what it is yet. But to me, 10 minutes doesn't seem to be enough time to fit your 31+ weeks of life inside of me. I'm sure in time I'll be making a new one.<br />
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Another guilt trip: not trying hard enough to raise donations for your March of Dimes team. All I have been able to do is spread the link around on Facebook. Yes, I do a lot on Facebook. Mainly because I don't go out and socialize with people. So the best way for me to do it, is through posts. Nana has been out telling everyone about the walk. She has raised $90.83 on her own. Without her help, I wouldn't know what to do! I've also been trying to get more team members and have only been able to recruit 2. That really bums me out because I want our first walk in your name to be GREAT! We're down to 2 months and 4 days until the walk and I'm starting to feel nervous and scared that things aren't going to go according to planned. Fingers crossed that I am wrong.<br />
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I'm not even going to bother listing all my other guilt trips because they sound even more ridiculous than the last one I just added. I just feel terrible. When I do get the chance to come visit you, I always have to leave... empty handed. It shouldn't be like this. I should be sitting back watching my 9 month old baby girl learning the new things she can do. And I can't. That in itself rips pieces of my heart away every day. I often go to sleep at night hoping, praying, and wishing that when I wake up, you're here. And every day that I wake up and your not here is more of reality smacking me in the face.<br />
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I do not feel as if I am angry at God anymore. I just wish I knew the answers for why He had things happen this way. Why did He have to take you away from us before we had the chance to get to know you? So many unanswered questions. <br />
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Earlier tonight, I was sitting here basically day-dreaming of you. And as I was, Kolton came into the picture. You were chasing him around in Heaven's Garden. Only in this day-dream, the two of you were no longer babies. You were a little older. Such beautiful children. The way the sun was shining through your hair was amazing. That picture in itself made the two of you look exactly like Angels. Beautiful, gorgeous Angels. I just wanted to reach out and touch your soft cheek. Kiss your sweet lips. Run my fingers through your blonde hair. And look into those gorgeous blue eyes. I've yet to have any dreams about you while I'm sleeping, and I think that is because I sit back and day-dream about you so often. It's great! It almost makes me feel as if you're still here. No one can take that away!<br />
<br />Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-50104431966939986692012-02-21T04:28:00.002-05:002012-02-21T04:28:56.761-05:00Warm WelcomeI would like to take a minute to welcome all of my most recent readers. I haven't been able to update as much as I would like. But as of lately, I've been trying. I can't believe how many people are now reading Sophia's story. It really has traveled across the world, exactly what I was hoping for! So, welcome and please excuse some of my posts. There are times I just need to vent and have nowhere else to do it but here.<br />
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Sophia's article finally made it in the newspaper! I have been beside myself since Sunday. It just leaves me to sit here and wonder, "How many people took the time out of their busy days to read?". But I guess that is a question I will never know the answer to. I have received so much positive feedback from others on Facebook. It's amazing. I love knowing how they have read it and how the story has touched them. And what better story than one that is TRUE!! If you haven't read it yet but would like to, I added a tab at the top of this page! You're only a click away.<br />
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We've been receiving some pretty steady traffic here on Sophia's blog and now also on her newest Facebook page. Please feel free to swing by! Just type in "Team: Sophia's Angels" in the search bar. That should bring you right to us. I've been trying to update as much as possible, as our March of Dimes walk is not too far from now. Also, the Team Sophia's Angels March Of Dimes page has been getting a few donations as of lately. It's incredible to see that there are still some good people left in the world. It brings a smile to my face to see those people wanting to help other babies. I can't imagine what this world would be like without the sounds of baby cries, laughs, even hiccups!<br />
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Today marks 39 weeks since Sophia was brought into this world. An angel we got to hold for the very first time. People will tell you that it gets easier in time, after losing a child. I don't believe that. I miss her more and more with each passing moment. I couldn't even begin to sit here and describe exactly what it's like. There really are no words. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Life changes drastically when you lose a baby. You're stuck sitting back thinking about the "what-ifs" or wondering what your baby would be doing if he/she was still here. Would they be holding their head up on their own? Would they be trying to sit up unassisted? Would they be trying to say their first words? Would she be a Daddy's girl? Would he be a Momma's boy? There are so many questions that are left unanswered.<br />
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I've learned to live with this pain. I'll never stop wishing and hoping that she was still here. But I will continue to try telling myself that I will be able to see her one day. That she will always know who her family is and that she's watching over us and keeping us out of harms way. I guess, for now, that is just the way that things have to be.<br />
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Normally on every Tuesday, I sit here upset. Wondering exactly how I am going to get through my day. But today is different. I'm on a mission to get through to Baby Talk magazine and see about having an article written. Maybe even ask some of the other Anencephaly Angel Moms to help! Wouldn't it be pretty cool to read the stories of not only one baby, but many many others as well? I think it would be. I'm also going to be searching around this week comparing prices of t-shirts. I've had several people ask if we're going to have Team Sophia's Angels t-shirts made. And I was, for our family. I just didn't think anyone else would want them. Yet again I was wrong. So I'm going to look around at the different businesses and see what their designs look like, along with their prices. Hopefully I can find something really good. Anyone who knows me, knows that I will not settle for second best when it comes to Sophia (or any of my kids for that matter). Everything has to be perfect! Once I have more information on that, I'll be sure to let my readers know.<br />
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The only thing that hasn't changed on this Monday night/Tuesday morning, is my sleep. I still find it difficult to sleep. Here it is, creeping up on 4:30am and I'm awake. I wish I could change that, but right now I just can't. I'm worn out physically and emotionally, but I keep on truckin'. I feel like nothing can hold me down at this point. As if I'm unstoppable! More or less, my body is so used to waking up several times throughout the night to feed, change, and cuddle with a baby. And since I can't do that, I have a very hard time falling asleep. Not to mention, my mind races in a million different directions when I try to relax and go to bed. I find myself wondering, "What is Sophia doing right now?" and then I end up with a bunch of images in my head of her playing with all the other Anencephaly Angels. Hanging out with members of our family who have passed. I'm sure they all met her with big hugs and smiles on their faces when she made her way to the Pearly Gates.<br />
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God knows I miss her. God knows just how much I love her. And quite honestly, I would do it all over again if it meant that I could hold her, hug her, kiss her little cheeks, whisper little secrets in her ear. Our biggest secret has been made open for the world. That secret was that I would go on to tell everyone and anyone about Sophia & Anencephaly. I'm working my way on doing that. One article at a time, one Facebook post at a time, and one blog at a time!<br />
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<strong><span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7;">Miss Sophia, our little princess, we hope you're having a fantastic day! Make sure you sit down and take some time out to spend with Andrew. Oh, and make sure the two of you eat a bowl of ice cream! His mommy did :) Better yet, make it two... it's a celebration! We love and miss you so very much. Come visit my dreams, beautiful angel <3</span></strong><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMXCzv_zky8IwkzUh7Gk5Dq-b9TpDR_oMXnKcPI08KomHmH3Wb8TbI1Yue36p_7kzaeW2RM5bA5Qq0Uxi-h1NOdDfG3dDjxXDA49OB2FWUY4ByITLKcYUUfwk2loPy7Tww7juFwK4z6X8/s1600/sophia49.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMXCzv_zky8IwkzUh7Gk5Dq-b9TpDR_oMXnKcPI08KomHmH3Wb8TbI1Yue36p_7kzaeW2RM5bA5Qq0Uxi-h1NOdDfG3dDjxXDA49OB2FWUY4ByITLKcYUUfwk2loPy7Tww7juFwK4z6X8/s320/sophia49.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophia's resting place. Thanks to everyone who helped us raise the money for this beautiful headstone </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-72352416525931450802012-02-18T13:15:00.003-05:002012-02-18T13:15:52.633-05:00Random ThoughtsOften, I sit here and wonder, "Do they still remember you? Do they think less of you because you didn't get to live outside of my womb?" I've come to notice that in some of the support groups, there are cliques. I have found myself not checking into those groups much anymore, except to update my notebook with Anencephaly Angel birthdays. I'm thinking that I may just stop going into support groups and delete myself from those pages.<br />
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The best support I can get is from those who are right here, in real life. I have met several amazing women through these groups and I'm happy with our friendships. We don't get to talk that often, but that's okay. I've just come to notice how certain babies get mentioned more then others. And it always seems as if it's only the babies who have "lived" outside their mothers womb. They just don't seem to think the way us mother's of stillborns do. You were a very active baby... you lived for 31+ weeks. They didn't get to see all the awesome things you did. But I did! I am so proud of you. Babies do not have to be born alive to be amazing & breathtaking. <br />
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I think at times people are afraid to talk to me simply because I talk about you. Maybe that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it makes them nervous. Or maybe they think I'll have some sort of breakdown. I just wish they would understand just how much I love talking about you. About how beautiful you are, about the way you touched the lives of so many (even if only for a short time). I have to speak your name, I have to show your pictures. It makes things more real to them. I don't know, maybe they just think I'm crazy. And maybe they're right! I'm crazy in love with my angel princess!<br />
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As I have mentioned before about your story being written in the paper, it wasn't posted today. I was really hoping today would be the day. Fact is, I'm very impatient. I guess I need to learn to have a little more patience. I'm just so excited to be able to get your story out there. I want others to know of you. And most of all, I want the education and awareness spread all over the world. I guess it is better if it gets printed in the Sunday paper. More people read the paper on Sunday then on any other day.<br />
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We have created a new page for you on Facebook. The first one from several months ago was "In Memory of Sophia Grace Velazquez "Born Sleeping" May 31, 2011". I've met some pretty amazing people through that page, but I want to be able to do more. So, "Team: Sophia's Angels" has been born. We decided to use the name of your March of Dimes team. Sounds pretty good to me! I plan on posting many facts about Anencephaly, along with Myths vs. Facts. I'm sure that this new page will turn into much more than that. I can't wait to see it evolve and grow into something that even my imagination can't come up with.<br />
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I've been having a pretty rough couple of days. I guess I'm just being too hard on myself. Yesterday was the anniversary of my Aunt Cindy's passing. I'm sure she's just having so much fun with you. I an remember clearly the day that your brother Jordan was born. She came up to be here for his birth, along with your Uncle Josh. I have a picture of her sitting in a rocking chair at the hospital, with Jordan swaddled in her arms. The look on her face and the love in her eyes was truly amazing. I can just picture her doing that with you. And taking such wonderful care of you, until I can be there to do it myself. Speaking of Jordan, he's had a rather rough day so far today. He woke me up this morning, eyes full of tears, and repeating, "I miss Sophia, Mommy! I wish it could have been me and not her. She's your baby!" Those words stung my heart! I know how much your brothers and sister miss you. But for one of them to "wish" it was them, kills me. I would do anything to have you here in my arms, but that doesn't mean I'd want to lose another child just for you to be here. I'm not trying to make that sound bad at all. I don't like being an Angel Mommy. I'd be much happier if I had all my children here and in one place.<br />
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Once again, I've been thinking about a "rainbow baby". A lot of the other Anencephaly Angel moms have or will be having their rainbow babies. Most of those babies are healthy! That's good news. And then there are moms who are expecting their first or second Anencephaly Angel. I would like to try again, but I am just so very scared! Scared that it'll happen again, scared that you'll feel as if I'm trying to replace you, scared that others will think the same, and scared that everyone will just completely forget about you. I just don't know what to do. My mind is once again back to running in a million different directions at one time. One day, I'll be able to sort this all out.<br />
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So my day has started off rather depressingly. I keep trying to look for the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Right now, all I can see is a tiny speck of light.I'm hoping that as I continue trying to move forward, I'll start seeing that tiny speck turn into a bright light.Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-3798073618436319252012-02-14T03:00:00.000-05:002012-02-14T03:00:08.724-05:00An Amazing DayI think it is safe to say that I have had one of the most amazing days since May 31, 2011! We have been trying for quite some time to get an article written in our local newspaper. Well, today was the day! We had our interview with one of the reporters. When we first left the house, I was feeling very nervous, excited, felt the anxiety creeping in. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I don't do too well when it comes to talking to strangers. Once Angel got the ball rolling, it was like I just couldn't stop! There were several times when I caught myself choking up. I reminded myself to take a deep breath. While doing so, Angel would take his turn talking. That gave me the few seconds that I needed. I'm not the type of person to sit there and cry in front of people, unless they are family or close friends. After a couple minutes, I got back to talking. It didn't even feel as if it was me talking. It's hard to explain but it's almost like it was Sophia talking through me. What an amazing feeling! Javier was with us today (as he is still trying to get over pneumonia) and after a few short minutes, he started to get bored. Thankfully, the reporter allowed him to play "Angry Birds" on his cell phone and that kept him busy for awhile. Before he started playing, Angel asked him, "Javier, where is Sophia?" And Javier responded with his usual answer, "In Heaven". Angel then asked, "With who?" And he responded with another one of his typical answers, "With God". So I decided to chime in real quick and I asked him, "Well, what is she doing up there?" And he said, "I don't know! I can't see her. I have to see her to know what she is doing." He's just too cute. Before the interview really got under way, he was sitting at the table paging through Sophia's photo album saying, "That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my mom. That's me. That's Daddy!" And so on. <br />
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It felt so good to be able to sit down with someone who was taking notes about everything we have been through on our Journey with Sophia. As some of you may already know, I made my beautiful girl a promise before allowing the nurses to take Sophia away. I told her, "Baby Girl, I promise you that I'm going to spread awareness on this condition. I know God put you in my life because He knew I was strong enough to talk about this condition and openly talk about you! From here on out, this is my job!" And this is just the beginning. There are so many others places that I want to contact to see if they will run our story. So many people know about Spina Bifida. Nearly everyone in this world has heard of cancer in one form or another. But once you come out with the word, "Anencephaly", no one has ever heard of it. So now I take the first step forward in a new journey... the journey of spreading awareness! This is so important to us. We would really hate to see another family go through what us, and many others across the globe, have gone through. It is not an easy journey. It is one that no parent should ever have to face. <br />
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Our story should be posted on <a href="http://www.newsitem.com/">The News-Item</a> website on Saturday or Sunday. I can't wait to see it in black & white. Oh how I wish I could get this amazing story of life and love posted all over the world, in every newspaper, in every language, in every country.<br />
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Thus far, we have helped one family make a tough decision. They live in Spain. And thanks to me creating this blog, this family decided to carry their son to term. He was also diagnosed with the more rare form on Anencephaly, called Iniencephaly. Just helping one family, through our words and through our feelings, makes me feel so much better inside. Through this page, we were able to give one more baby a fighting chance at life. Doctors say that most babies with Anencephaly will not survive any more then a few minutes to a few hours after birth. I know of a few who have defied those odds. Vitoria just celebrated her 2nd birthday not too long ago. Andrew "Bumble" blessed his family with 10 wonderful days! Katie-girl has given her family 7+ months and counting! And just to think, most doctors won't even give our babies a second thought. They almost make it seem like an experiment gone wrong. Since the "experiment" didn't go according to planned, they no longer want to bother. If only those doctors would take a look at these amazing babies and see just how much they are able to do and how many lives they touch. Maybe then, they'll start doing things with a little more heart!<br />
<br />Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-21883492184153917292012-02-07T20:32:00.000-05:002012-02-07T20:32:24.458-05:0036 weeks36 weeks have gone by... People say, "It gets easier in time."' I don't think that is true. It's been just a little over 8 months and the pain is still very fresh, time only seems to be making it harder. The more days that tick by, the more I miss her, the more I wish Sophia was still here with us. I'm doing better with the tears. I try to put a "fake" smile on my face, so I don't have to answer the constant question of... "What's wrong?" It's not that hard to figure out. My life is what's wrong. I no longer have my baby here with me. It shouldn't be that way. She should be here in my arms, crawling around on the floor, trying to talk. I'm missing it all. Life has yet to get any easier.<br />
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A lot of things have been going on since my last post. We moved in to a bigger place. All of your pictures are now hanging up throughout the house. We have your own little shelf hanging on the wall. I find myself staring up at those pictures daily and wondering what you may be doing. At times, I still feel as if you're all alone. Stuck without any one. But then I remind myself that many of our great relatives have also passed away and I know they are taking good care of you until it is my time.<br />
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Javier has made up his own little game for us to play. When he sees that Mommy is looking sad, he says, "Mommy, do you miss Sophia? I miss her too! I'll go get her!" And then he pretends to fly to Heaven and bring you here. I pretend like I'm hugging and kissing on you and then he tells me, "I have to take her back now." And when he returns, he has a new baby! He tells me to guess who it is. I'll ask if it's a baby girl or a baby boy, and once he tells me, I start making guesses. I've named off Kolton, Andrew, Palmer, Nevyn, Rachel, Christina, and many others. He does the same thing with them, gives me enough time to hug & kiss each one of them and then "takes them Home". It's a game we have been playing for quite some time now and we both love it!<br />
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On another note, a friend of ours contacted the News-Item to ask about running your story in the local newspaper. I made a promise to you that I would spread awareness on Anencephaly and I plan to stick to that promise. I tried e-mailing them a couple times myself but never heard anything back. After Stephanie e-mailed them, she heard back the next day. They have agreed to run the story. I'm very excited! But at the same time, I'm a bit nervous. I just can''t wait to read it in black & white and be able to educate others in the community and surrounding areas. This story will not only be about you but about all babies who have been born with Anencephaly. Most people think of it as being a "tale". Like it'll never happen to them. Just as they start thinking that, the unexpected happens. So many people have to face the loss of a baby or child every single day all over the world. How can one planet experience so much pain and sadness? It's beyond me.<br />
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I finally had the chance to set up a team with the March of Dimes. We were supposed to have a walk set up here in our town by last fall, but the woman never got back to me. So this year, we're going to walk in Danville, at the hospital where you were born! Our team name.... Sophia's Angels! I remember posting a "question" on Facebook some time ago asking what everyone thought we should name the team. Sophia's Angels and Sophia's Hope were the ones with the most votes, Sophia's Angels having several more. So there is the meaning behind the name :) If you live near by and would like to walk with us, please visit <a href="http://www.marchforbabies.org/angelbabysophia">www.marchforbabies.org/angelbabysophia</a> and join our team! If you can't attend, please feel free to make a donation. We would love to see many families faces on the day of the walk. It would mean so much to us!<br />
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Today you're 36 weeks old. I hope you have had an amazing day! Don't get too hyper off your cake and ice cream! I'm sure you're having a blast with all your friends. Please come visit Mommy in my dreams, I could really use you tonight. I love & miss you to the moon & back!!Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-3386494322325149172011-08-03T22:34:00.000-04:002011-08-03T22:34:22.243-04:00Thank You!First & foremost, I'd like to thank God for everything He has given us and for keeping our daughter safe from harm!<br />
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And the following, in no particular order:<br />
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Angel Velazquez<br />
Norman & Pearl Hemberger<br />
June Snyder<br />
Veronica Kriebel-Drelling<br />
Crystal Robb<br />
Josh McClure<br />
Aileen McClure<br />
Dan Velazquez<br />
Lisa Velazquez<br />
Christina Snyder<br />
Jessica Snyder<br />
Andy Morales<br />
Sharyl Geise<br />
Robyn Heckman Conrath<br />
Cliff & Joe S.<br />
Fran & Russ Henz<br />
Tara Henz<br />
Pat Henz<br />
Sean Henz<br />
Jolene Byers<br />
Sam Reynolds<br />
Tara Russo<br />
Diane Spoor<br />
Henry Adlean <br />
Ramsey Gregory<br />
Jeremy & Danna Erb<br />
Donna Jeremiah<br />
Taylor Jeremiah<br />
Joe Dannheimer<br />
Robert Fisher (father)<br />
Robert Fisher (son)<br />
Ryan Bordell<br />
Jessica Goudy Goshorn<br />
Maryann Coberly<br />
Terrie Smith Crone<br />
Rebecca Harman<br />
Bryonie Lynn Heath<br />
Stephanie Colacitti<br />
Kathy Diggan (our photographer)<br />
Mindy Lewis (our social worker at the hospital)<br />
Mystie Patton Moran<br />
Lacy Sanchez<br />
Deb & Peter Lucas<br />
Melinda Woods<br />
Mike Deitz<br />
Chris & Nancy Derck<br />
Doris Gunsallus<br />
Irvin & Jean Reiner<br />
Mike Bramhall<br />
Sharon & Pam Paczkoski<br />
Rosemarie Witt<br />
Kathy Kelley<br />
Mr & Mrs. Boyd<br />
Lucy Aponte<br />
Christine Pettersson<br />
Michelle Wolfe<br />
The Kelley Sisters<br />
Amanda Head<br />
Anthony & Holly Haas<br />
Sarita Boyette<br />
Kevin Shervinskie (funeral director)<br />
Sheila S.<br />
Ross & Allison Johnson<br />
Leslie & Allen McCoy<br />
Rachel Johnson<br />
Danyelle S.<br />
Tiffany H.<br />
Sherri & Tom F.<br />
Melissa M.<br />
Helen Bandza<br />
Trina Shinskie<br />
Jason Beers<br />
Reena Shingara<br />
Ryan Beers<br />
Lorri Moore<br />
Katrina & Doug Munson<br />
Jennifer Long<br />
Many others who attended & helped at our car wash<br />
Geisinger MFM staff<br />
Geisinger Labor & Delivery Staff<br />
Homeplate crew<br />
All other Angel mommies for their prayers, love & support<br />
<br />
Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. You will all hold a spot in our hearts forever!<br />
<br />
(***If I forgot you, please forgive me! Send me a message on Facebook and I can add your name to the list. My deepest apologies!***)Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-70332569254981925792011-08-03T21:24:00.000-04:002011-08-03T21:24:00.808-04:00The count is in!!We have finally deposited all the money raised for Sophia's headstone into the Buried With Dignity account! We had one small set back. Unfortunately, there was no money left at our church, like we were told there was. Apparently, all the money was used to cover the cost of Sophia's services. I sat here trying to think of other ways to raise the money that we were now missing. Automatically, I felt drained. Like I had no more energy to keep moving forward. I was coming very close to settling for a cheaper stone. As these thoughts were running through my head, an old high school friend popped up at my house. At first, she scared the crap out of me!! (HAHA) I didn't realize she walked up on to our porch until she spoke. But what she had to say was something that made me feel completely overwhelmed with joy and more at ease. She told me that her and her hubby had talked and agreed to help us out with the last bit of money needed to pay for Sophia's headstone. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry, jump up and hug her, or pass out! It's one of the best feelings ever... JOY! My baby will finally have the headstone she deserves.<br />
<br />
So, this friend of mine, took me to the bank today so I could deposit the money. Final count in my hands: $1,180! Leaving the bank, I felt so good inside. Katrina (my friend who I keep ranting about) and myself chatted the whole way home. It was nice to be able to get out and away from kids for a little bit. Once I made it home, reality struck. This is it. I've lost my baby and she's not coming back. I'll never get to hold her in my arms again. I'll never be able to hug her tight or kiss her soft cheeks again. I'll never get to tell her just how much I love her and miss her, except in my letters to her. I'll never have the chance to feed her. I'll never be woken up in the middle of the night to do diaper changes. I'll never get to watch her take her first steps or watch her learn to crawl. I'll never be able to prepare her for potty training. First day of school, out the door it went. I'll never be able to kiss her boo-boos away. I'll never be able to tell her that everything will get better after a boy breaks her heart. I'll never have the opportunity to help her get dressed on her wedding day. It's all gone! I keep trying to remind myself today that she's living on in a much better place, where there is no such thing as hurt, or pain, or illness. But that just doesn't make it any easier to deal with.<br />
<br />
So now, we wait until we get word that the money has been received. We have the wording all figured out. I can't wait to see how it will look. I'm very excited about that. But once that is all done, what do I do? I've been keeping myself busy with planning things to raise money for her headstone... and now it's paid for. I guess now is when I really begin to grieve... and grieve hard. I have to find a way to continue living, only as a different person. I'm not the "old Tab" anymore. I'm not sure how I will make it through with a broken heart, but I will try my very best.<br />
<br />
Now I'll take a few minutes to share some pictures of Sophia's Carwash For A Cause with my readers :)<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAn8BSPK9oYjC9VKPWTqcxkbfO4ajOKuE7IfWgmQWYgrFnuEZO3NCKBJ_KLEYRo0tTMXQiGj4ipDWMFNXmLLyd3dVldEMHH4N6U3Y9r2MYP9ripm9bN1_mun_6swFK4DrD4yaVNhc0v4M/s1600/carwash21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAn8BSPK9oYjC9VKPWTqcxkbfO4ajOKuE7IfWgmQWYgrFnuEZO3NCKBJ_KLEYRo0tTMXQiGj4ipDWMFNXmLLyd3dVldEMHH4N6U3Y9r2MYP9ripm9bN1_mun_6swFK4DrD4yaVNhc0v4M/s320/carwash21.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's one way for a short person to reach the top!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3BzutEY0mL2OAnga6W67zqM_xIuL22aKoE0gF9UZuINGJfZuTrtrKuUZKzewhDcuo_2NDB6rxhBZxOfq7vRLnf8HQVeDu05ua8FZc0U4H_0eqaMtAk0m_7HX2G7fSeRiDeJZNOGhBvNI/s1600/scw4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3BzutEY0mL2OAnga6W67zqM_xIuL22aKoE0gF9UZuINGJfZuTrtrKuUZKzewhDcuo_2NDB6rxhBZxOfq7vRLnf8HQVeDu05ua8FZc0U4H_0eqaMtAk0m_7HX2G7fSeRiDeJZNOGhBvNI/s320/scw4.jpg" t$="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love this van!! 2 of my boys at the trunk :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYJKHQaLkYJDgCvFZ0OsIu9j32lhfdgVPAH5BDWjhLOCrJazBI_axzkG_a5NGgQYTG9KD7L20s87vogJPV9o2ZMILAGbuiEdNOO4iYWQQeQx1GK8sTnWUtgmc09BJLCmxWOmDqey5xF9s/s1600/carwash4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYJKHQaLkYJDgCvFZ0OsIu9j32lhfdgVPAH5BDWjhLOCrJazBI_axzkG_a5NGgQYTG9KD7L20s87vogJPV9o2ZMILAGbuiEdNOO4iYWQQeQx1GK8sTnWUtgmc09BJLCmxWOmDqey5xF9s/s320/carwash4.jpg" t$="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Work, work, work!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht303uZucmR9nnXpvP0Tw5t-HJnm3hK_ITJj8UJWGLIiS6XNFbvF3I-M5I0lV4lrs0U79wsci4ehX4wVb8wHKz0U_0nAqfyyc_GC33nkwwcWMdNRcOtENQrJk3cud5ukHnsU25xIUs1Wk/s1600/carwash15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht303uZucmR9nnXpvP0Tw5t-HJnm3hK_ITJj8UJWGLIiS6XNFbvF3I-M5I0lV4lrs0U79wsci4ehX4wVb8wHKz0U_0nAqfyyc_GC33nkwwcWMdNRcOtENQrJk3cud5ukHnsU25xIUs1Wk/s320/carwash15.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of our many signs and many helpers :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiaVgnrHEqfO2ZnsfmhfkvVZapsqQyn7zAyGpGyNj93CIyC_Uu6S8FlhxacxUHKtsQ1DxmZBAufH2J8pQksb3Ae7f8knaOhlIpg6SFfE3BlwYDESDQNVVN8-XtYhfmLHDgXgHnpXHV5z0/s1600/carwash18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiaVgnrHEqfO2ZnsfmhfkvVZapsqQyn7zAyGpGyNj93CIyC_Uu6S8FlhxacxUHKtsQ1DxmZBAufH2J8pQksb3Ae7f8knaOhlIpg6SFfE3BlwYDESDQNVVN8-XtYhfmLHDgXgHnpXHV5z0/s320/carwash18.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We washed anything with wheels!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzEjVXK4ePfuVH_8Y-7h-eq11VGEJkpRHKuKlWlYJDsAi8Ki-qhi_tvxV6i9f-Mky5nfXQczVzIafiLOu4jitRGIeFXtI7bwNtO2I1lL03CqFgrF4Bg-W4gfX0nh67l4J5CqFN_t-l5mk/s1600/carwash26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzEjVXK4ePfuVH_8Y-7h-eq11VGEJkpRHKuKlWlYJDsAi8Ki-qhi_tvxV6i9f-Mky5nfXQczVzIafiLOu4jitRGIeFXtI7bwNtO2I1lL03CqFgrF4Bg-W4gfX0nh67l4J5CqFN_t-l5mk/s320/carwash26.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting my hands dirty with the soon to be sister-in-law</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSp56ql6EWpsIKo_fwvn2jkag-LFHtLDwBnQZSrdnFJSqa4AbMWoSr3-EdfwNaJn8UBiNrHyk8SzGnPPcf0TQH0_E0iJPLZxB1Sf1HZXcwI9aJU5YG-vd-LNikC82pHf5Lu7tS12o7vnk/s1600/jolenecw3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSp56ql6EWpsIKo_fwvn2jkag-LFHtLDwBnQZSrdnFJSqa4AbMWoSr3-EdfwNaJn8UBiNrHyk8SzGnPPcf0TQH0_E0iJPLZxB1Sf1HZXcwI9aJU5YG-vd-LNikC82pHf5Lu7tS12o7vnk/s320/jolenecw3.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh the sun!! Angel & I waiting for more cars</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ4hAE0HasbAVHkrrUfkVaKJaeYl2-3sf3vVUkki69yn7cPwnZDh-O9TG4p-isH-gnibht1kJo_SHMUpFrGWSWosQVDV-QpWwVccbafRXma3hcTpU0d4FRoEPvT7zEuSTKPJnW0mOSsnw/s1600/jolenecw2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ4hAE0HasbAVHkrrUfkVaKJaeYl2-3sf3vVUkki69yn7cPwnZDh-O9TG4p-isH-gnibht1kJo_SHMUpFrGWSWosQVDV-QpWwVccbafRXma3hcTpU0d4FRoEPvT7zEuSTKPJnW0mOSsnw/s320/jolenecw2.jpg" t$="true" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brainstorming with Mom</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0LgVOJdO1YiWL97pCZSbRiKF64oeH8xe8G_mRDjLRq9qOFWq7eHwSh_Fntavxnv_Se3E9XTtf3YCXTOt8UaU-7dxMPGN_OxnMu7DRZOY-re6vDLp3hhN0G_9cyZSEgfYsgdjiOiM63lU/s1600/carwash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0LgVOJdO1YiWL97pCZSbRiKF64oeH8xe8G_mRDjLRq9qOFWq7eHwSh_Fntavxnv_Se3E9XTtf3YCXTOt8UaU-7dxMPGN_OxnMu7DRZOY-re6vDLp3hhN0G_9cyZSEgfYsgdjiOiM63lU/s320/carwash.jpg" t$="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the day is done (My brother and I)<br />
<br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Thanks to everyone who has helped us during this difficult time, whether it was by donating, praying, or supporting us! We deeply appreciate it!<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><strong>(More detailed thanks in following blog post.)</strong></div>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-72880555531901475282011-07-28T18:32:00.001-04:002011-07-28T21:49:08.611-04:00Due dateToday is our due date! I can't believe it's officially here. I'm not sure how to express my feelings today. I'm just a big ball of emotions. I'm not sure if I should be angry, sad, at peace, etc. But I can tell you, I feel so many emotions all at once right now. This journey so far has been full of tears, pain, sorrow, grief, smiles, some laughs, and triumph. Me, no I do not feel triumphant. That part belongs to Sophia. She has been triumphant in the sense that she is no longer laying in that cold, dark grave. She is laying in the arms of Jesus. She gets to live an eternal life with Him. How great is that!? It's something we all dream of, living in a perfect world without hurt, without pain, without illness. And she has that! Her and all her angel friends...<br />
<br />
Kolton <br />
Rachel<br />
Amelia<br />
Elizabeth<br />
Palmer<br />
Anouk<br />
Carleigh<br />
Theo<br />
KayLynn<br />
Leilani<br />
Angela<br />
Aiyana & Bobbi Lynn<br />
And those are just to name a few! She is one lucky girl to have so many beautiful friends. She also has one very special friend here on Earth... Katie Santasieri. I like to think that all these babies are watching over Katie. She has been such a blessing to her family & all their friends. She is one beautiful little girl!<br />
<br />
I trust that Sophia will be at God's side on Monday morning, watching over her 2 1/2 year old cousin, Isaiah. My handsome little nephew will be undergoing brain surgery. I wish I could be there with our family... but I have so much going on and no transportation. He's such a strong little man. He may not be strong on the outside right now, but he has one of the strongest hearts I have ever seen. I know that God & Sophia will not let anything bad happen to him. Speaking of Isaiah, I have started a blog for him, to follow his journey with Chiari Malformation. Feel free to follow him <a href="http://www.throughtheeyesofisaiah.blogspot.com/">Through The Eyes Of Isaiah</a>.<br />
<br />
Saturday is the big day! Sophia's Carwash For A Cause! I'm so excited. I really hope this will tie up all the loose ends and we'll be able to order Sophia's headstone by Mid-August. If not sooner. I'm excited to see who will all be there. I haven't seen very many of my friends since losing Sophia. I've basically secluded myself and only spend time with a select few people. I'm thinking that if it's a big hit, we may very well end up doing this every year & then donating the money to Anencephaly research. I think that would be another great way to keep Sophia alive.<br />
<br />
I know that some of you are aware that I haven't been able to make it out to visit Sophia at the cemetery in about a month. I have been finding it unbelieveably hard to function to a full 100%. And I have been feeling very guilty for not being able to visit with her. After her funeral, I was going to visit with her every other day. Then it became every other 2 days. Then once a week. Then nothing at all. That kills me! It bothered me so much and had made me feel so guilty, that 2 friends of mine had agreed to take a walk with me one night to go visit with her. It's much cooler at night. No one is supposed to enter the cemetery after dark... but I just couldn't help it. I was hurting. I had to make sure her marker was still there. I had to make sure her flowers weren't knocked over. And I had to check and see if her grass was growing yet. I figured that if we got caught, I would just explain to whoever it was that I'm a grieving mother who has been overcome with guilt that I just had to visit her to put myself at ease. Needless to say, we weren't caught. We were very quiet and respectful, as always. We didn't stay long (we all had a weird eerie feeling while we were there). I'm happy to report that Sophia's grass is growing nicely in some spots. Other spots are still dried out and dead, but not like it was the last time I was there. Her marker is still there along with all of her flowers. <br />
<br />
We wanted to go visit her today... what better day to do it then on her due date... as a family! Unfortunately, the weather kept us at home. I'm sure she understands. It's not much fun tracking all the kids to the cemetery on foot. We have quite a bit of flat land, but to reach Sophia, we have to walk up several steep hills. Mercedes & Javier are known to poke around when it comes to walking. I would much rather walk at a decent pace so I can get there faster. Hopefully we'll all be able to make a trip to the cemetery after the carwash. Not just as a family, but as a group of people who love & care about Sophia. Our helpers do not know about that plan just yet. But they aren't expected to drop everything and come along, but I figured an invitation would be nice. Maybe then more people would understand why we are working so hard on raising the money needed for Sophia's headstone. She deserves it!Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-82385389392345581502011-07-13T02:22:00.000-04:002011-07-13T02:22:10.136-04:006 weeks (and a day)I can't believe it, 6 weeks have gone by since Sophia's birthday... Happy 6 week Birthday, baby girl! Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out how I have made it this far and this long without her. I guess you could say that I'm not really "without" her. She lives on in my heart, and in my mind. Not 1 day goes by that I don't think of her or wonder what she would be doing now if she were still with us.<br />
<br />
We have finally been able to set up a date and place for Sophia's Carwash For a Cause. I can't wait... I'm so excited for more people to get to know my precious little girl and to spread more awareness on Anencephaly. Hopefully by the time I'm done, everyone in the world will know what it is. It's not as uncommon as doctors try to make it seem. It happens every day! As for the carwash, anyone who is interested in coming to have their car washed or to help out, we will be at AutoZone on Rt. 61 on July 30th from 12-? It will be $6 a car. Not bad, right? Not to mention, any money made during this event will be put towards the cost of Sophia's headstone. We are getting sooo close! I'm hoping that the carwash is a big hit and we'll be tying up all the loose ends and ordering Sophia's headstone in no time. <br />
<br />
Now, I need to ask everyone who is reading this to please say a prayer for my nephew, Isaiah. He has Chiari Malformation and is expected to go in for surgery possibly this week. My sister has been told that things may change for him after surgery. He may not be able to walk, or talk, or see. It is a very risky surgery. Isaiah is only 2 years old and needs a lot of prayers.<br />
<br />
One more prayer request for a very special friend of mine, Dawn and her baby, Katie. Katie will be born sometime later today. She was diagnosed with anencephaly on Feb. 22. I'm hoping that Dawn and her family get to spend lots of time with Katie. This, I'm sure, will be a very bittersweet time for their family. I'm sure Sophia will be right there waiting for her at Heaven's Gate. Dawn & family, you are all in my prayers tonight and always!<br />
<br />
On another note, I have finally been able to meet my twin niece and nephew. They're gorgeous!! I thought for sure that I would have a hard time holding Shayna, seeing as how she is a baby girl. So I held Braedyn first. He's such an adorable lil guy. When the time came to hold Shayna, I was a little iffy about it. But once I got her in my arms, I didn't want to let her go. It was almost as if I could see some of Sophia in her. Thanks to these 2 little babies, my empty arms felt better for a few hours. It was very hard for me to fall asleep that night. I could still smell their baby smell on my clothes. Changing didn't help... I could smell it on my own skin. This made me miss Sophia so much more. On a scale from 1-10, it was at 1,000. I ended up asking God about a million questions that night: <br />
<br />
<em>"Why me?" </em><br />
<em>"What have I ever done to deserve this?" </em><br />
<em>"Why did you have to take MY baby?" </em><br />
<em>"Why can't I hold my baby one last time?" </em><br />
<em>"When my time here is over, will Sophia even recognize me?" </em><br />
<em>"Does Sophia miss me as much as I miss her?"</em><br />
<br />
And so many more. Life has been very hard the last 6 weeks, not to mention the last 5 months! Sometimes I feel as if I am making progress through my grief. Like I take 2 steps forward but then I get pushed back a step. But like Jenny says, it's still progress! <br />
<br />
I feel this constant urge to plan things. Not things for myself, but things for Sophia. Things that I can do to raise awareness on this condition. Things that I can do so that more people will get to know who my daughter was and what she has done for us. I started making awareness ribbons... that went well for awhile. I started making keychains with her name on them... they still sell sometimes. I've planned a carwash... that's coming up. I wanted to put together a walk with the March of Dimes... the lady never called me back to meet us at the end of May. I would like to still get it together, but I don't know where to start. After that, I'm not sure what else I can do. And I feel as if once I stop planning things, I'm just going to fall apart all over again and I'm not going to have the strength to put myself together again. As long as I'm planning and following through with those plans, I'm okay... my mind stays plenty busy. Even nights are hard. Once I've got all the kids tucked away in their beds... my mind starts to wander. It starts to race in a million different directions. Like I explained to a good friend of mine yesterday, it's like being one person... and wanting to go in every which direction at once. And almost like your body is trying to separate from itself just to make it in all those directions. My mind is consumed with thoughts of Sophia and how this loss of such a beautiful person will affect me in the long run. Yes, I am still hurting now... but I'm still in the beginning. Hopefully soon I'll have a grief counselor to help me make sense out of this so called new life.<br />
<br />
<br />
Special thanks to:<br />
<br />
Sheila S<br />
Melinda Woods<br />
Ross & Allison Johnson<br />
Lesley & Allen McCoy<br />
Melissa M<br />
Rachel J<br />
Ramsey Gregory<br />
Sherri & Tom F.<br />
Danyelle S.<br />
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A very deep & heartfelt thank you to all of you for donating towards Sophia's headstone. And an extra special thank you to those of you who have been here for us through it all. THANK YOU!!!<br />
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(To make your donation towards Sophia's headstone, click the tab above that says "Donate towards her headstone")Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-12089261085739402232011-07-04T15:14:00.000-04:002011-07-04T15:14:03.289-04:00NILMDTS pics!I'm happy to say that we have finally received 30 of our hospital pictures from our NILMDTS photographer. I was having a pretty down & out day, like I've been having the last 34 days. Yesterday was no different. Until I decided to check my e-mail and I seen that I had a message from our photographer saying she was finally able to upload 30 pictures. I was beyond excited. I couldn't wait to see them. Which reminds me, I still need to reply to her. These pictures made my day so much better. 1 good day out of 34! All it took was to see that our love for Sophia was caught in the pictures. They're truly amazing! Now I'm sure you're all wondering when I'm going to shut up and share them with you. So I won't make you wait any longer!<br />
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To view Sophia's hospital pictures, go to <a href="http://www.collages.net/">Collages</a> and click on Guests on the left. Next, it'll ask for a username and password. The username is Sophia Grace's Birth and the password is 23376. On the next screen, just enter your information. Then it'll bring you to the album. I think the site is experiencing some problems so in order to view them, you have to click on "Webshow" to the left or else you'll only see 3 pictures. Hopefully they'll get it situated soon. There is also a guestbook located on the site. It too sits off to the left. We'd love to h<span style="background-color: white;">ear from you!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">There are many more pictures left. I'm really hoping she got a picture of all 7 of us together. Honestly, I can't remember much about that day, so I'm not sure what she got pictures of. All I know is, I can't wait to see the rest! She has done such a wonderful</span> job. The wait was totally worth it! Kathy Diggan, if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!! Thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I'm so glad that you were able to meet our precious little angel!<br />
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I haven't been able to update lately because yet again, I've fallen sick. I'm starting to notice a pattern here. I guess I'm supposed to be sick on every holiday now. Last night was very hard for me. I hated to be out and enjoying the fireworks with the family. I wanted so badly to be sitting there holding Sophia and including her on everything we did. But, she made her presence known! Angel snagged his sisters cell phone and we sat there watching the fireworks and listening to "I Will Carry You". Before long, they shot off a firework that looked like a butterfly!! I'm not sure why, but butterflies remind me of Sophia. Everytime I see one, I know she is with us. So seeing this beautiful butterfly lighting up the night sky, was the sign I needed!<br />
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Just a little while ago, I looked in our newspaper to find this picture<br />
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</div>It's a little hard to see, but that is our family all sitting on the curb watching the fireworks. I'd be the one sitting there in black pants :) Angel is right beside me, holding Javier. Jordan is sitting in front of me. Mercedes is sitting behind Angel, all wrapped up in a blanket. And Junior is sitting over by his Grandma. <br />
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I like to think that Sophia & her angel friends all had the best seat in the house! But I can only imagine how their poor ears feel! Either way, I'm sure they enjoyed our "Coal Cracker" fireworks!<br />
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Today is yet another Monday... God how I hate Monday's! 4 weeks ago today, we buried our daughter. How has it been 4 weeks already? I wish someone could explain to me how all this time just seems to have flown right on by while it still feels like yesterday. My life still feels as if it's on pause. I feel as if I'm a robot. Like someone else is controlling me... keeping me moving forward through all these days. It's so hard to explain and even harder to understand.<br />
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Tomorrow will make yet another Tuesday... I hate these days even more. Tomorrow will make 5 weeks since we lost her. I know this month is going to be one of the hardest yet. Technically, I should still be pregnant right now! I should still be feeling Sophia kicking and moving around. I had wanted to plan a prayer ceremony rather then a baby shower for the early part of July. I never had a chance to do that. Instead, I'm planning a car wash to raise funds for Sophia's headstone. This all seems so unfair. Sophia's crib and changing table still sits in its box. Her blankets and clothes sitting in a storage tote. Playtex nurser bottles still sit inside of its box, unopened. Bibs, hats, onesies, etc. still not touched! Ask me if I will part with any of those things and I will tell you... NO! Even though Sophia is no longer with us in body, these things are still hers. I will never part with them. They are reminders that Sophia was very real. She wasn't something I had made up. I have many many pictures of her. Precious and bittersweet memories frozen in time.<br />
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With that in mind, I will end this here so you all can go on ahead to view our beautiful girl!<br />
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***Sophia Grace, we miss you so very much... and we love you even more! I wish I could put into words just how much, but there are no words to describe it. You have done so much good in your short time with us and have touched many lives in the process. I am so proud of you! And I'm so proud to be able to call myself the mother of such a strong little girl. You're my world!***Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-40480010963754422052011-07-01T23:25:00.000-04:002011-07-01T23:25:40.499-04:001 month...ago I had to say "see you later" to my precious little girl. One month ago, I was the happiest, yet saddest mother in the whole world. One month ago, we had pictures taken of our family of 7. One month ago, several people shed many tears in my hospital room. One month ago, I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms for the first time. One month ago, Angel proved to me just how strong he was by tending to Sophia's needs (cleaning up after birth, cutting her umbilical cord, putting a dressing and hat on Sophia's little head, swaddling her in a blanket, and bringing her to me so I could meet this beautiful little girl.) One month ago, I felt part of my heart break and leave right along with my girl. One month ago, I thought for sure I was going to die, right along with Sophia.<br />
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But, I'm still here! I must be doing something right. Honestly, I believe it has a lot to do with the prayers that everyone has been sending. I believe that if it weren't for the prayers from all of you, I may not be where I am today. I think your prayers are what has pulled me away from going off the deep end.<br />
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These last 31 days have not be easy ones. Just recently, I decided to try to put myself in Sophia's shoes. If my mother would have lost me, would I want her to sit around the rest of her life with a pile of grief & sadness on her shoulders and in her heart? No, I would not. I would want her to try her best to enjoy what life she has left. And I'm sure that is exactly what Sophia has been thinking. I can almost hear her saying, "Mommy, please! Pick yourself back up. I haven't gone far, for I am still in your heart. I will be waiting in God's mighty Kingdom for you." So, I have decided that I'm going to start picking up the pieces of our lives. Our lives have been changed forever, but we still have a puzzle of a life to put back together... just with 1 big missing piece.<br />
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Right now, I want to thank all of you for your support, prayers, & donations! We would like to thank each & every one of you from the bottom of our hearts. Hopefully you're all reading this. Without you, we'd be stuck! I also want to thank Maryann and her husband from <a href="http://www.buriedwithdignity.org/">Buried With Dignity</a>. You are both truly amazing and I'm so thankful that God has brought you into our lives! Thank you all <3<br />
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As of right now, we are at a total of $1,320 in donations towards Sophia's headstone. We're almost there! I can't believe it... this is truly a blessing. We still have a ways to go yet to reach our goal of $3,000 but we're getting there and that is all that matters. In time, Sophia will have the stone that she deserves thanks to many of you. I'm hoping to get out this weekend to snap a few pictures of the headstone we want for her so I can post it here to share with you all and to send to Maryann so her hubby can add it to the site. <br />
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On another note, I should be getting our hospital pictures back sometime within the next day or so (I hope). There seems to be a problem with the website that our photographer has been uploading them to. I cannot wait to see them! Once we get them, we'll be able to pick our favorite picture of Sophia and send it along to BWD so they can add her picture as well.<br />
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Life has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumpy roads... but it is times like these that show me there are still some good people left in this world. Many of them, I like to call friends. You are all just so wonderful. I don't know what I would do without you.<br />
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I also want to thank those of you who have commented on my last post. I'm glad to know that everything I am feeling is all normal. I question myself all the time. There is this burning deep down inside me that wants answers as to why everything happened the way it did. Questions that I will probably never know the answers to. And for now, I think I am okay with that simply because I know that time will reveal all. <br />
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Seeing as how today is Sophia's 1 month Angelversary... we went outside today to release a few balloons for her. This time, it was different. Angel picked up the balloons that you tie the big rubber band on and then kiddos can kinda bop it around with their fists... I'm not sure what they are called but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. He had them blown up with helium and brought them home for all of us to add our own special messages. Like the kids say, I wrote a book haha! Thank God for these big balloons. It was nice to see them floating up to the Heavens. As I sat on my porch steps and watched the balloons float away, it looked like they were all being pulled in a certain direction. So I sat there and told myself, "See, Sophia isn't far at all. She's just a few blocks away... look straight up and there she is." Call it strange but it seemed to comfort me in a way.<br />
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As I've said, life has been rather difficult since losing Sophia. But Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, and Javier show me every day that life is worth living. They never forget about their baby sister. Several times we have sat down to talk with Javier, seeing as how he is only 4 years old and doesn't seem to understand much of what has happened. We asked him if he knows where "Sissy Sophia" is. And he'll say, "Yea, her in Heaven with God." So that right there goes to show just how much he does understand. I can also tell that he misses her, just by the little things he does. While I was still pregnant with Sophia, he used to hug and kiss my belly several times a day and say, "I love you Sophia!" And now, one month later, he's still doing it. But he catches himself when he goes to say I love you. He has asked if I will have another baby. At this time, the idea of that is up in the air. We're not too sure. I have A LOT to talk to the doctors about and they just seem to keep rescheduling my appointment with no real reason. My primary OB has made me feel more like a disease then a patient. I'd much rather go back to Geisinger and see those doctors rather then the doctors at the Geisinger clinics. They just make my skin crawl and make me wanna scream til I lose my voice.<br />
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Ugh, I wish I had a camera to take pictures of the balloon release today. It wasn't very many, but to me, it was amazing. The kiddos loved the idea of writing their own messages to her this time. I'm sure it made them feel all warm inside, as it did for me.<br />
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I'm hoping to be able to go visit with Sophia again soon. I never realized how hard it is to walk 2 miles with 4 kids. And going uphill in the heat, not easy! But if I have to do it that way again, so be it. I just miss her so much. Everytime we go to visit her, I swear, I have a smile that goes from ear to ear. When we visit with her, I feel happy. We're all sitting together, as a family, and just engaging in conversation and including Sophia in those conversations. It's when it comes time to leave, I have a hard time. I'm finally able to control my tears for the most part (even though a few still escape here and there). But leaving her feels like I've just been punched right in the gut. There are times when I just want to run away and disappear. Disappear to Sophia's resting place.Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-89935857410306617092011-06-25T23:58:00.000-04:002011-06-25T23:58:59.695-04:00Rainy DaysAll day long I have noticed that we may end up getting some rain. It did shower for awhile but then it stopped. I was thankful for that because we had made plans to go visit Sophia. I didn't want to miss out on seeing her. Or should I say visiting with her. I haven't been able to make it to the cemetery since Father's Day. I've been feeling really guilty for not being able to go at all this week.<br />
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So, we went to my parents house for a little family picnic. Honestly, I didn't feel like going. I hate going anywhere, unless it has to do with Sophia. If someone were to say, "Hey Tab, let's go visit with Sophia." or "Hey Tab, can you show me where Sophia is at?" I would jump right then and there. But if someone were to say, "Hey Tab, let's go out and do something fun." chances are, I would turn you down. But, I sucked it up and went anyway. Only because my dad had mentioned about going to visit with Sophia. That was a big deal to me. My parents haven't been able to get to the cemetery since Sophia was buried (June 6th). We all headed over to their house, ate some food, followed by lots of talking. Angel had noticed that the sky was starting to get dark again and a breeze had kicked up. So, I asked my parents if they were ready. Me, I couldn't wait! I was excited to get back to visiting my girl and just hanging out there. Within a few minutes, we were all packed up in the van and headed to St. Edward's Cemetery.<br />
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For some reason or another, every time I make it to Sophia's grave, I feel a heaviness lifted off of me. Like this is the place where I am SUPPOSED to be. Of course I'm supposed to be there. My daughter is there. She has been there for almost 3 weeks. How I wish I could've spent those 3 weeks with her. While we were all up there and engaging in conversation, the breeze had picked up again and there was no sign of the sun. I try to tell myself, "The rain is good. We need this rain to help the new grass to grow on Sophia's grave." But every time it rains, I panic. Automatically I start thinking that all the heavy rain will have an effect on the ground. I get scared that the next time I go to the cemetery, her grave will be sunken in. I also start thinking that all this rain is getting down into the ground and that it is soaking her. Some say I'm an "over-thinker". Maybe I am. I just worry about her. I worry about her all the time.<br />
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I still have nights where I just lay there and cry myself to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. This time, Angel was still awake when the tears had started to flow. He asked me what was wrong, and I just looked at him. He held me close and told me that he misses her too. I believe that he does. I'm sure we're both on the same level when it comes to how much we love and miss her. After a little while, he noticed that I was still crying and had asked me what I was thinking. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I just layed there crying, wishing I still had Sophia here with us. It has been 25 days since we lost her. 25 days that I should've been carrying her. 25 days old. God, how I wish I could be spending those 25 days with her, here at home, snuggled in my arms. But I guess life throws new things in our directions. Things we never think will happen to us.<br />
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I'm not too sure how I'm even surviving all this hurt, pain, and heartache. But, I'm still here. I do believe that God has carried me this far. And I'm sure He will continue to carry me throughout the rest of my life. He knows just how much I need Him. <br />
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I wish I knew what my precious angel was doing right now. I wish I could hear her first words. I wish I could hear her first laugh, or watch her as she learns to hold her head up on her own. I wish I could watch her as she starts to crawl for the first time. I wish I could watch her take her first steps. For crying out loud, I wish I could have fed her. Atleast just once! Having Sophia with us for as long as we did and not having the opportunity to feed her made me feel horrible. I felt as if I was starving her. Somewhere deep down, I knew I wasn't. But it's just one of those feelings you get.<br />
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I'm starting to feel worse as the days go on. Noone knows but me. I feel like a bad mother every time I leave Sophia behind in the cemetery. I shouldn't be leaving her behind. I shouldn't be leaving her alone in that dark, dark place. Sometimes I wonder if she is crying out for me. Crying because she is cold and just wants to be nestled in Mommy's arms. These feelings are all so new to me. Am I wrong to be having all these feelings? Or are they perfectly normal? I wish I knew!<br />
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I also feel like a bad mother because I have yet to get a headstone for her. I thought we would have plenty of time to save up the money for it. But, unfortunately, our time was cut short. Sophia wasn't due to make an appearance until mid-July. Instead, she decided to come along on May 31st. We don't have anywhere near enough money saved to pay for the headstone we want for her. It's absolutely gorgeous. I'm sure Sophia would love it. <br />
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Thanks to an amazing woman named Maryann, we now have the help we need! An organization called <a href="http://www.buriedwithdignity.org/">Buried With Dignity</a> has reached out to us and is accepting donations to cover the cost of Sophia's headstone. I'm sure it may take some time (hopefully not a whole lot) to raise the funds. But with the help of all of my readers, I believe we can do this together. No matter how large or small the donation, every little bit helps. And if we're able to go on and tell all of our friends about what they are doing for us, we may be able to reach our goal in no time! Special thanks to Maryann and all of those from Buried With Dignity. Without you, I don't know what we would do!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wouldn't Sophia's grave look much more beautiful with a headstone?</td></tr>
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I have been told within the last 25 days that I'll eventually have good days. I wonder when that will be. Every time I think I will have a good day, I start to feel guilty about being happy. How can I be happy when I have lost a child? My baby! I'm sure she would love to be able to look down on us and see that we're happy. But truth is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly happy again. When it comes to my kids, Sophia included, that is what makes me the happiest. Having the family that I have makes me happy. Other then that, there is nothing that could ever come close. My life has been changed forever. Take me as I am! I cannot change who I am. I am a grieving mother. I am a mother who has lost part of her heart the day I lost my daughter. Life as I know it has changed forever!<br />
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What does this mean for Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, & Javier? They all know they have a baby sister. A baby sister by the name of Sophia Grace. But what happens when their memories of her start to fade? What can I do to prevent that from happening? As a family, we talk about Sophia millions of times a day. We have her pictures all over the house. We go to visit Sophia together. But honestly, what more can I do? I want to keep her memory alive... forever!<br />
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I refuse to part with anything that belongs to Sophia, crib included (which is still in the box). Hopefully, when my time is up on this Earth, I can pass her belongings on to one of her siblings. I'm sure they will cherish them just as much as I do. Some people may think that I am being selfish with not wanting to part with her things. We have already had a girl ask us for Sophia's things because she doesn't have anything for her baby. I feel really bad for her, but I just can't give away something that belonged to someone as precious as my baby. These are all things that I treasure. Things that remind me of her, even though she never had the chance to sleep in her crib, or be changed on her changing table. Even her bottles, bibs, and crib set hold meaning behind them. She never had the chance to use them... but they were HERS! That's what makes them so special.Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-48228946544433897112011-06-22T00:22:00.000-04:002011-06-22T00:22:52.188-04:00Pictures to share<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ueY9su8vru-SBmsnn3wy4oIhSrXEdArPyVKCQaKFvfx4eqMMfSrttmjqZEy3CmBA1DTfepmZBMGFPbebSKW7H9TtI7AqpLqrNqV45S2bQaMV-pOa9TR0j7xiFLMn3uPM7vX_3KqSBxA/s1600/62momdadhands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ueY9su8vru-SBmsnn3wy4oIhSrXEdArPyVKCQaKFvfx4eqMMfSrttmjqZEy3CmBA1DTfepmZBMGFPbebSKW7H9TtI7AqpLqrNqV45S2bQaMV-pOa9TR0j7xiFLMn3uPM7vX_3KqSBxA/s320/62momdadhands.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These little hands will hold our hearts forever</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUHJtVtnSKtLoLmuPzr6BG90uUmjSP8dWs_sPZuvSFp_mw5yFysDkg7kx4BwSxog5DLsNwCAVBNTaBWMJsFkMrdf3TsH5BNOxfyJe0r_DhfHpkWvrixGF9uaLPopwPnhn5qZyxjrU1Y6I/s1600/71manddad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUHJtVtnSKtLoLmuPzr6BG90uUmjSP8dWs_sPZuvSFp_mw5yFysDkg7kx4BwSxog5DLsNwCAVBNTaBWMJsFkMrdf3TsH5BNOxfyJe0r_DhfHpkWvrixGF9uaLPopwPnhn5qZyxjrU1Y6I/s320/71manddad.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Admiring our gorgeous little girl</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZG4UNdtMrnB1_bFk5mfGtBX8JViJtRV200SZSDBa71T3hDNax-X884NV1qb-J1aVHaN1iExgoOP-VAYS2_lqldM9laO3BdWI4wUkDnKfkaud4bIaadF_Upn9dbaYLRNACDCtQ20CSmQ/s1600/126words.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZG4UNdtMrnB1_bFk5mfGtBX8JViJtRV200SZSDBa71T3hDNax-X884NV1qb-J1aVHaN1iExgoOP-VAYS2_lqldM9laO3BdWI4wUkDnKfkaud4bIaadF_Upn9dbaYLRNACDCtQ20CSmQ/s320/126words.jpg" width="205" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The love of sisters is like no other</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicaebDqo4fnEcoEf3jvv7ac8KgQPdsee8ZmxnVE4lJkV87Xa23RvsG-fD6avMRMNo4x7pBC2FY3r4xRtkoqQcOC_aVT8z3iGH1oVKB2WBc-wPumHa1AQbGewZHUXJPFsIFqN6Pf9ZZgqo/s1600/149kidshands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicaebDqo4fnEcoEf3jvv7ac8KgQPdsee8ZmxnVE4lJkV87Xa23RvsG-fD6avMRMNo4x7pBC2FY3r4xRtkoqQcOC_aVT8z3iGH1oVKB2WBc-wPumHa1AQbGewZHUXJPFsIFqN6Pf9ZZgqo/s320/149kidshands.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The special bond between brothers & sisters</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUXj7VAwLu4f0z2XeCxNCLkjGBYnSPjlw2FLwwIiux0eQ1h5EcKOascr66eIBHAeVJ3o0D-LgATOjidavNdC0qsrEskBrFqS5u8CZNSGbYjxyquxePBtTxm7X2hJV5pMbIWm6uiwoddWY/s1600/173grandparents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUXj7VAwLu4f0z2XeCxNCLkjGBYnSPjlw2FLwwIiux0eQ1h5EcKOascr66eIBHAeVJ3o0D-LgATOjidavNdC0qsrEskBrFqS5u8CZNSGbYjxyquxePBtTxm7X2hJV5pMbIWm6uiwoddWY/s320/173grandparents.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nanny & Pap admiring their newest granddaughter</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaC05eEThtcK9p6hYj5iNytXlA7t9X9rDPlGIzbcbYzEEKaM1wyA5tA2XwvC3S3459KxcXP2ZZljcxdO63EJXBgt4joay_Xt8vJgScnN1tQeNWo5s2vE28WRgw0XRNLM5s_Q8pKcMrU-8/s1600/IMG_0083.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaC05eEThtcK9p6hYj5iNytXlA7t9X9rDPlGIzbcbYzEEKaM1wyA5tA2XwvC3S3459KxcXP2ZZljcxdO63EJXBgt4joay_Xt8vJgScnN1tQeNWo5s2vE28WRgw0XRNLM5s_Q8pKcMrU-8/s320/IMG_0083.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These tiny hands hold hope!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG6vyhqhhYyYnK8NkWBJNY9yxAHC6usfwxLjooC-c1gLy-OO5ga-YjkLROOYN77ngPt2S_PkHmI-u41ycdV5sE37ETF-5Jpltm2Lpx_LKvYUZBOQcMdRjLKXXcKMVdb9WwNpSSfE_lrFo/s1600/momdad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG6vyhqhhYyYnK8NkWBJNY9yxAHC6usfwxLjooC-c1gLy-OO5ga-YjkLROOYN77ngPt2S_PkHmI-u41ycdV5sE37ETF-5Jpltm2Lpx_LKvYUZBOQcMdRjLKXXcKMVdb9WwNpSSfE_lrFo/s320/momdad.jpg" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Such a beautiful moment frozen in time</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlAWiVvX00soAajEUjIZUtAqAWIYkCnDCKuq1Q3-Irrohz65zWL4rfryjkBZePRh6MKQ5lmhOU_sCjGeb2Ei_GIdz9FcwgJFFaurpGGSbL74017szV_OxC0ihJqevGMwu7hr3IETee6o/s1600/247316_219961981360804_100000410109481_811720_1734525_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlAWiVvX00soAajEUjIZUtAqAWIYkCnDCKuq1Q3-Irrohz65zWL4rfryjkBZePRh6MKQ5lmhOU_sCjGeb2Ei_GIdz9FcwgJFFaurpGGSbL74017szV_OxC0ihJqevGMwu7hr3IETee6o/s320/247316_219961981360804_100000410109481_811720_1734525_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophia Grace Velazquez<br />
Born into Heaven on 05/31/11</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPh78TtmOo4EqVbft9iv-Z7mV2lmVXoXaSdC0hw9Qe2cI9gftZCwldoykW0bJqlY3SnLeg9pzlJ2y8FZ7l3C8asFYrx-qtwngwhCsK-Rqe6MNJwoeO_3itnjAWEG6BcHf_IQBbUaOeJjA/s1600/254320_1953128840224_1602754002_1940820_5890243_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPh78TtmOo4EqVbft9iv-Z7mV2lmVXoXaSdC0hw9Qe2cI9gftZCwldoykW0bJqlY3SnLeg9pzlJ2y8FZ7l3C8asFYrx-qtwngwhCsK-Rqe6MNJwoeO_3itnjAWEG6BcHf_IQBbUaOeJjA/s320/254320_1953128840224_1602754002_1940820_5890243_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The hardest day of our lives</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQxgqyzP9fcJGhyphenhyphenUtiKOSuurK8cXhGYEsZeHb-0ATVPtdllZOGwqZIhLoNGrnUmF2U1OKUSJkWyHmf4BjKs4msxCXWipKyjt3WKkksegws1sHAQyd6oeImFjpElOvXPetwp7Z7QmQ8KKI/s1600/252970_2125174809456_1248476210_32603184_2007697_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQxgqyzP9fcJGhyphenhyphenUtiKOSuurK8cXhGYEsZeHb-0ATVPtdllZOGwqZIhLoNGrnUmF2U1OKUSJkWyHmf4BjKs4msxCXWipKyjt3WKkksegws1sHAQyd6oeImFjpElOvXPetwp7Z7QmQ8KKI/s1600/252970_2125174809456_1248476210_32603184_2007697_n.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy's little girl</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOsHQqVZ8qATIbdwB5MSmsCsTDSEjd7XlZqGTdOck7JhyphenhyphentOgdCn1-3Gc0H0KS0IBGMlT_-88pfdnCMhYKuaZ9ZiNYosmd9vk9TVE2ymds0H5AdIx46OoGycFQULuRyZsboXKAJg8k9T6s/s1600/IMG_0139.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" i$="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOsHQqVZ8qATIbdwB5MSmsCsTDSEjd7XlZqGTdOck7JhyphenhyphentOgdCn1-3Gc0H0KS0IBGMlT_-88pfdnCMhYKuaZ9ZiNYosmd9vk9TVE2ymds0H5AdIx46OoGycFQULuRyZsboXKAJg8k9T6s/s320/IMG_0139.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My 5 beautiful children.<br />
Left: Junior & Jordan<br />
Right: Mercedes & Javier<br />
Middle: Sophia Grace</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-65882460298339936252011-06-21T18:58:00.000-04:002011-06-21T18:58:47.225-04:003 weeks...and counting since we've had to say good-bye before ever having a chance to say hello. Why isn't there some type of manual to explain all these feelings I have been having? I've been told it's completely normal to feel the way I do. But most of these feelings, I've never had before.<br />
<br />
3 weeks have passed since I had the chance to hold my baby girl in my arms and tell her just how much I love her. Life since losing our precious girl has not been easy for me. I thought that I had one of the best support systems in the world. I had so many people telling me that they would be here for us throughout this difficult time. 3 weeks have gone by... where are they? Have they all disappeared? Or are they afraid to come near us?<br />
<br />
I have this urgent need inside of me to talk about Sophia. But it seems like noone wants to listen. Everytime I start talking about her, people try to change the subject or it seems like they're just not listening at all. Maybe they're afraid that they might say something that will hurt me in some way? I wish I knew! <br />
<br />
Most people only shared our grief for one day. I've been living in this grief for 4 months. On May 30th, that grief only became much deeper. I wish people knew that I HAVE to talk about Sophia. I NEED people to listen. Yes, I may be able to come here and write about her and have many people reading what I have to say. But it just isn't the same as speaking the words. I've been bottling up my emotions for the last week or so now. I'm told, "Tab, you can't do that. You have to let your feelings out." or better yet, I get told, "Don't cry anymore. She's in a better place now." That very well may be. But it's not the same as having my girl here.<br />
<br />
As parents, we believe that the best place for our children is with their parents. This way, we can see them every day. We can watch them grow. We can play with them. We can show them just how much we love them and care about them. And we can try our very best to protect them from harm. When we lose a child, we lose part of ourselves. We lose our future. We're stuck living with the guilt that maybe we could've done something to prevent such a bad thing from happening to our child.<br />
<br />
But where do you turn to when we're told that there's nothing we could've done to prevent such a horrible thing from happening? What do we do when we're told that it "just happens"? What are we supposed to do when we aren't given any answers?<br />
<br />
I've moved on past the shock & denial stage of my grief. I'm sitting between guilt & reality. I know Sophia is gone, and that hurts me deeply. I've been blaming myself for everything that has happened to Sophia. I blame myself for her having anencephaly. I blame myself for losing her so early, all because I was too stubborn to go to the hospital when I became sick. I blame myself for the hurt that I see on the faces of my children. I blame myself for everything. But then I question myself, "What could I do to change these things?" and the answer is always the same... "Nothing."<br />
<br />
I've been told to surround myself with things that make me happy. Those things are my family! Sophia included. So that means many, many trips to the cemetery to visit with her. But yet when I go there, I get upset. I get upset because reality hits. My daughter is gone. She's buried right there. She still doesn't have a headstone. The only thing there to let people know that it's her is a small brown marker that has her name on it. Not to mention, bunches of colorful flowers. I get upset when I have to leave. I feel as if I am leaving her all alone. My baby should be with me!!<br />
<br />
While I'm home, I swear I hear one of the kids calling out, "Mommy!" but when I say "What do you want?" they all tell me that none of them called me. I don't know why I would think it's the voice of Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, or Javier. It sounds like a very unfamiliar voice. I've asked Angel if he heard it. He says no. Am I hearing things? Or could this be Sophia's way of reaching out to me?<br />
<br />
I'm not quite sure how I've made it through these last 3 weeks. I feel as if my life is on pause. There are times that it feels as if it has been an eternity since I lost her but at the same time it feels like only yesterday. These are all new feelings to me. How can it feel like an eternity yet only yesterday, all at the same time? It's rather confusing.<br />
<br />
What I wouldn't do to be able to hold her in my arms again and tell her just how much I love her. Tell her that I would do anything for her. And also to tell her just how much we all miss her.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm sorry if this post seems to be all over the place, I just had to get some of what I'm feeling out of my system.<br />
I'm hoping to add more pictures of Sophia very soon. But for some reason, Blogger will not upload my pics :(<br />
Soon enough though!<br />
<br />
Sophia Grace, you're 3 weeks old today! I'm not sure where all the time has gone, but know that I will always love you. You will never be forgotten. Here at home, we talk about you several times every day. Your sister & brothers miss you very much. They always talk about you or ask questions about you. Daddy loves & misses you too. He's been having a difficult time expressing his emotions, but I guess that's all part of being a man. Just know that all of us in our little family love you and miss you so very much. Words can't even begin to explain just how much.<br />
<br />
Fly high above the clouds, my precious angel. <3Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-23820062893317159792011-06-05T01:42:00.001-04:002011-10-29T13:49:17.334-04:00Tears that won't stopI feel as if I've been neglecting Sophia's blog. I used to be so good with updating as often as I could. But so much has gotten in the way of that. My life has officially been turned upside down. I've been wanting to write this blog now for the last couple days and I just haven't been able to find the words, so please bare with me if things seem out of place.<br />
<br />
Our journey on the other side has begun...<br />
<br />
Sophia Grace Velazquez was born sleeping on May 31st, 2011 at 12:21am. She weighed 2 pounds 3 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. My little peanut. God, I miss her so much... I can't even begin to put into words just how much. She has really touched the hearts of many lives within a very short time. I feel so blessed to be able to call myself her Momma.<br />
<br />
Now let me get on to exactly what happened that brought our pregnancy to a stop, so to speak.<br />
<br />
Over Memorial Day weekend, I found myself to be very sick and not feeling well. It all started on Friday. I was feeling a bit nauseous and running a bit of a fever. First step, take some Tylenol! And I did. It seemed to have helped, so we made our way out for our local Memorial Day Parade. The kids had such a great time. But I found it to be very hard to walk that far. I couldn't wait to get home! Saturday comes, I'm feeling a bit worse. I started throwing up and was running a fever again. My first thought was that maybe I was dehydrated. So I started pounding down the water, took some more Tylenol and laid down for a nap while Angel took the kids down to the Heritage Festival, which they also loved. I spent most of my day laying around with a heavy head, feeling sick to my stomach, and with what I had thought were Braxton-Hicks contractions. I'll get to that later. I continued to pound down the water, just in case. I made my way to bed early, but found it hard to sleep. I was feeling very short of breath. Sunday came along, I felt the same way all day. Threw up several times, continued with the water, Tylenol, and plenty of rest. Noone did much of anything then. We made our way into Monday. I thought that I was feeling slightly better. But to be on the safe side, I told Angel I wanted to squeeze in a nap before we tried to fire up the grill, after all, it was Memorial Day. About 10 minutes later, I found myself rushing to the kitchen to throw up some more. I'm sure you all don't want to know about that, but it's part of the story. The kids ran to get their Dad. This time around, they were scared. I'm still not sure why. But he came in and asked me if I was okay and my usual response would've been "Yes, I'm fine. I just have to get this out and lay back down." But instead, my answer was "No." He asked what was wrong and I simply said, "We have a problem." He asked what it was and all I had to do was look down and his eyes followed. There I was, standing in a puddle of water. I tried to play it off as if I had possibly peed myself (which I knew wasn't the case) because I knew what his next words would be... and I was right. "That's it! I'm not taking no for an answer, you're going to the hospital! This is enough!" I knew he meant business and I didn't bother to try to change his mind. I told him that I needed to hop in the shower to quickly freshen up. Meanwhile, he was on the phone right away to my brother to have him come sit with my 2 younger kids, Jordan & Javier. Thankfully my older 2, Mercedes & Junior, were spending time with Grandma for the day. Next call, to one of my best friends. By the time I was out of the shower, dressed. and making my way downstairs, they were all here. By this time, I felt as if I was running out of air... so I knew it was time to go. I didn't wanna leave my boys! But I knew I had to, just to be safe. We piled into the truck, just the 3 of us, and made our way to the hospital, which is about a half hour or so away. On our way, my friend called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and what was going on. They said they would be ready for us, and they were. It felt like we made it there within about 10 minutes, but I'm sure it was a little longer then that. They took me straight into an exam room. Did the usual. Got myself into a gown, peed in the cup, and laid in the bed awaiting my IV (which I HATE might I add). A nurse came in to check my temp... 103.6! No joke. I couldn't believe it was that high, no wonder why I felt like I was on fire. Next step, they hooked a monitor up to me to keep track of these crazy "Braxton-Hicks". I just sat there watching the thing climb higher and higher on the paper. They had attempted to put on the other monitor that tracks her heartbeat, but they didn't... still not sure why. But when she laid it on my stomach for a minute, it read 152. I thought to myself, "Well, that's good for Sophia so I'm happy." IV time.... yuck! But I knew it was needed to help bring down the fever. Then to doctor came in to check and see if I was dilating. She told me I wasn't... which was a relief. She took a few swabs and went to look under her microscope. The 3 of us just kinda sat there waiting. I kept telling myself, "I knew it, pump me full of fluids and send me home." After a few minutes, she came back over and hooked up the ultrasound machine. Oh how I loved these. It gave me a chance to see Sophia kicking and moving around. This time, it was hard to see anything. I'm not sure if it was because the quality was so poor compared to the ones in MFM or because the light was on. But I just laid back and let her do her thing. Angel watched and pointed out Sophia's arm and leg. It felt like 20 minutes had gone by. I knew she was looking for something, but what? She told me there was alot of fluid. That was nothing new. And then a few minutes later, she turned around and said "I can't find a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." Immediately, I broke into tears. I grabbed ahold of Angel and cried uncontrollably. She said she was going to get another doctor to come in and take a look to see if he could find it. They were back within a couple minutes. He started scanning... about 5 minutes later, he agreed with the first doctor and apologized. Life as I knew it was over. I felt robbed! I wanted to scream like the woman across the hall was. But I tried to calm myself down because I knew it was now crunch time. We had to get a plan into place. And I had to calm down, because I was starting to have difficulty breathing because I was that worked up. I asked the doctor what their plans were, and she said I had to be treated for an infection, which they weren't sure where it was located, but that they had to deliver Sophia first. I knew that was coming! I was scared out of my mind. So, first thing out of my mouth was that I had to get my parents there, and quickly. I also wanted my kids to be there, but it was getting late and I didn't want them carrying on in Labor and Delivery, so Angel talked with my brother and he had agreed to watch the boys over night. Thank God for family!!! I was given some Tylenol for the fever. That is when I was told that these "Braxton-Hicks" were actually the real deal. No wonder why I was so uncomfortable the last couple days! Then the nurse also told me that when she was looking to put on the heart monitor for Sophia, she couldn't find her heart beat but didn't want to say anything until the doctors could prove otherwise. She said the 152 I had seen on the little monitor was indeed my heart beat. 152 for me? Not good!!! The doctors and nurses left the room to give us a few minutes alone. Sharyl, one of my best friends since childhood, ran to the nurses station for a pen and paper. She came back and I gave her the number to reach my parents at work. I was hoping she'd be able to catch them before they left. And I also gave her the number to call our priest and fill him in on what was going on. Thank God for best friends! She was able to reach my parents at work. She told them to stay put because she was on her way and had to explain something to them. She didn't feel as if it would be proper to explain such a thing over the phone. I completely agreed! The nurse came back into the room and showed us to our room. I couldn't want to be out of the exam room. We kept hearing the worman across the hall screaming in pain. We were told that she was about to deliver. I really wanted to be as far away from her as I could be because I know I wouldn't have been able to bare hearing a baby cry at this point. Loved my new room! It was at the very end of the hall, away from everyone else but right next to the NICU doors. The time was coming quick. They came in to do some more blood work. Ugh, how I hate needles. So, while we waited on my parents to arrive and wait for Sharyl to return, I decided to grab Angel's cell and update my Facebook status. I figured it would be the easiest way of letting everyone know what was going on rather then calling everyone and having to repeat myself a million times. Which reminds me, he had really poor service in there. Big bummer! But within minutes of updating my status, my room phone started ringing off the hook. Many condolences were sent. Some people told me they were on their way. And a call from my sister. She reminded me that I didn't have a camera! I wasn't even thinking that I was going to need one when I left the house. It would've been hard to find one anyway, seeing as how mine crapped out on me about a week or so earlier. She got to work asking people on Facebook to please bring me a camera and she'd pay them back. She even called the nurses station to see if they could take her credit card number and run to the gift shop and grab one for me. Somehow or another, I ended up with a camera. Thank you!!! Before long, my parents showed up. Shortly after, Sharyl was back. Or was it the other way around? I can't remember! Soon after, an old friend from school came by. Turns out, he was there earlier with a camera but was told that I already had one. The nurses said he could come back to my room to see me, but he didn't want to intrude. When I found out, my sister had called back again and I told her how bummed out I was that he didn't come back to see us. She told him via Facebook and before long, he was back and sitting in my room :) A little while later, 2 more friends showed up. I was greeted with big hugs and apologies. And soon after, 1 more friend showed up with food! Everyone was so thankful of her. I knew I had to have her there. She had lost a baby several years ago, but to something completely different, which I won't get into without her permission. I looked at the clock and I told Angel, "Well, I guess noone else is coming so I'm ready whenever they are." The anesthesiologist came in, explained some things to me, ha me sign a paper and said he would be back within an hour. He was right! That hour seemed to go by so fast. The nurses were coming in with their booties and hairnets and masks on. I knew it was time. I was scared! I started to cry, very openly, which is unlike me. Everyone gave me hugs and told me they would be waiting to meet Sophia after surgery. I was happy to know that these people actually wanted to stick around to meet her. They were already there for me, but I wanted someone there for Sophia too. Angel was handed his gown and told they would come to get him as soon as they were ready. Honestly, I didn't want to go alone. I didn't know these people! But I sucked it up. They wheeled me out and I cried the whole way to the OR. They got me in, scooted me over onto the table. Within a couple minutes, the anesthesiologist was ready. I was prepared. Heck, I'm a pro and putting my back out for these needles in the spine. The medicine seemed to take affect right away. The nurse helped me swing my legs back onto the table. After they did a check to make sure I was completely numb, they put up the drape. I knew the time was coming and rather quickly. I started shaking. I couldn't stop it. The nurse had asked me if I was cold and I said no, which I wasn't. I told her I was just very scared. They grabbed 2 warm blankets anyway and wrapped them around my head while another nurse ran out to get Angel. Finally, some relief! I needed him with me. I needed someone to talk me through this and who knew exactly how I was feeling. I could see in his eyes that he was scared and nervous, just as I was. I started feeling some tugging. I looked at Angel and told him, "I'm pretty sure they're about to get her now." Right after I said that, we heard a large gush. Well, there went all that extra fluid that I've been carrying the last couple weeks. Mind you, this was my 5th c-section. Out of all of them, I never heard that sound before. You could hear it hit the floor and kinda drip off the table. Some more tugging and boom, there she was! A beautiful, precious baby girl. Our baby girl. Sophia Grace was actually here. Obviously not in spirit, but in body. Angel immediately went over to her little table and started taking pictures. After that, he was cleaning her up, putting her little hat on, and swaddling her before bringing her over for me to see. I just couldn't bare to see her until she was wearing her hat. I guess you could say I was afraid to look. Not because I thought it would make her look worse or whatever, but because it would make me think of how much pain she would've been in had she been born alive. I know, the doctors say anencephalic babies don't feel pain, but my mind tells me different. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She actually had her eyes open! Gorgeous blue eyes! I fell in love right away. They let one of my arms loose so I could partially hold her. Tears flowing again. How I couldn't wait to be able to hold her. The doctors stuck by what they said and allowed Angel to stay in the room with me the rest of the time. I was happy for that. I didn't want to be left alone with strangers again. Don't get me wrong, these nurses and doctors were very sweet and sympathetic. But sometimes, you just need your better half :) Before I knew it, I was being moved back on to my bed. I don't remember being wheeled back to my room. I don't remember if everyone was still in my room waiting or if they came back when they heard I was out of surgery. I may have dozed off for a bit and I just don't remember doing it. But what I do remember is everyone being in awe over Sophia. I remember seeing some taking pictures. Everyone was crowded around Angel and Sophia. I let them go. I knew I would get my time with her very soon. After all, it was after 1am and I knew they would all be leaving soon and I was sure most of them, except my parents, wouldn't be coming back. And I was right, within a few minutes, everyone started clearing out. Lots of tears. Lots of hugs. And of course, goodbyes and being told just how beautiful Sophia is. I knew this. No matter what problem Sophia had, I always knew she would be beautiful. After everyone left, I finally had my chance to hold her. I just wanted to squeeze her so tight. But I didn't. I held her for quite some time and just kept telling her how much I love her and how sorry I was that things had to happen this way. One of the nurses headed out to call for the chaplain. He was such a nice man. He listened to us through the tears. He offered some kind words, that I unfortunately can't remember. He excused himself and said he would be back after asking us if we would like for her to be baptized. Daddy, Mommy, and Sophia time! We couldn't believe that the time was here already where we got to see her precious face and hold her close to us and tell her we love her and kiss on her. It was a bittersweet time. The chaplain came back, baptized her, prayed over us, and was gone shortly after. More time for us! It was pretty late though, I would say it was roughly 5am. We were some very tired parents! So we decided we would turn in for the night knowing the docs would be in bright and early in the morning. Their rounds are usually around 6:30 every morning. We had decided we were going to try to keep Sophia in the room with us for the night. Well, after waking up several times within minutes apart, thinking Sophia was crying, I had finally asked Angel if he could have one of the nurses take her for a bit so we could try to get some sleep. Even then, sleep didn't come easy. My mind just kept racing in a million different directions. I don't think I could process everything that was going on. Nurses came in and out all night to keep the antibiotics flowing and checking my blood pressure, the whole nine. Later that morning, our NILMDTS photographer showed up. This was a time I was waiting for. We had asked her if she could take some pictures of just the 3 of us before the kids got there. And she did. She is such an amazing woman. I loved the work she did for us on our pregnancy shoot. And I already couldn't wait to see what these ones would look like. Well, I was a mess! I didn't realize it but when I got in the shower before heading to the hospital, I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. And when I noticed it, it was already too late. My wonderful social worker from the hospital washed my hair for me. I owe her so much! After washing my hair for me, she threw it into a quick french braid. Loved it! And I didn't even look in the mirror. Kathy, our photographer, started off by taking pictures of just Angel and Sophia. You could tell just how much he loves his baby girl. Daddy's little girl :) Next, Sophia was in my arms in the rocking chair. I was just admiring her beautiful face and stroking her cheek and noticed Kathy taking pictures. Angel popped over just as my eyes were filling up with tears and asked if I was okay. I was hurting too much to answer. Here I was, holding my baby, knowing I wouldn't be able to for much longer.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC55ypxiqA0m7PeD_k0A2KWpyQkO4t_2B9_10ixB69rgn3mlV6Xrsc6ZTDxpsL5rRDEVVknNHLa774-Nn-OVSRIFBOFWI7eXwP58417ZScKfiSGx0yA5PIcTAm3eadN1_rK38UEeK-H-Q/s1600/41fav.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC55ypxiqA0m7PeD_k0A2KWpyQkO4t_2B9_10ixB69rgn3mlV6Xrsc6ZTDxpsL5rRDEVVknNHLa774-Nn-OVSRIFBOFWI7eXwP58417ZScKfiSGx0yA5PIcTAm3eadN1_rK38UEeK-H-Q/s320/41fav.jpg" t8="true" width="213" /></a></div>She took several pictures. We didn't get them all back yet, just a few to display at Sophia's service. This is the one I was talking about. After a few minutes, we decided we wanted a few pictures of Sophia by herself. When Angel took her from me, I actually fell asleep in the rocking chair! Once he noticed, he helped me out of the chair and put me in bed. I do not remember ever falling asleep. But when I woke up, everyone was gone. I was back to feeling scared all over again. As I was about to ring for one of the nurses to track Angel down, he came walking back into the room. What a relief! That was short lived because I got scared again thinking that since I fell asleep, the pictures were over and Kathy left to go home. I explained this to Angel. He kinda giggled at me and said no, that they were still there, they just wanted to give me time to rest. Thank God! At the same time, he told me my parents had made it to the hospital with the kids and that they were eating in the cafeteria and then they would be up to see me and to meet their new baby sister. Well, I had Angel ask one of the nurses if they could take Sophia for a few minutes so we could explain to them what they would be expected to see and what had happened. They gladly took her and within a few minutes, here came the kids!. I was so happy to see them. I gave them all lots of hugs and kisses. In walked my brother. My brother! I wasn't expecting to see him there. I figured it would all be too much for him, but he still came to see me and Sophia. I glanced over towards the couch to see my awesome social worker already explaining things to the kids for me. They seemed to understand and when we made it to that point, we asked for Sophia to be brought back in. Almost instantly, they all started to love on their new baby sister. All the while, Kathy is in the background snapping pictures of this time they were spending with their sister and bonding with her. I thank God daily for Kathy and the NILMDTS organization. Noone else would've been able to capture what she was. After a little while, it was Nanny and Pappy's turn for some pictures with their new granddaughter. Through tears, they were able to do it and make some memories at the same time. We had tried to get my brother to hold Sophia and get some pictures too but he said that was just a little too much for him so he got up and stood behind my parents for a quick picture or two. And then it was back to taking more pictures of the kids with Sophia. I want them to be able to remember her in some way, even when they're 50 years old! I'm sure pictures will help with that. Mercedes & Junior shed many tears during this time. And of course Mercedes reminded me of how unfair it was that God wouldn't let us keep her only sister. But I explained to her that just because her sister is now in heaven doesn't mean she doesn't have a sister. I told her she has an extra special sister now who she can talk to whenever she wants and she doesn't have to worry about telling anyone what they talk about. It'll be her own little secret conversations :) That seemed to help calm her down. And of course, Junior expressed how unfair it was that she wasn't allowed to stay. I explained the same to him. It seemed like emotions were really starting to take it's toll. I kept myself together and strong as much as I could. Not for myself, but for my kids, Sophia included. Around this time, Kathy ended our session and thanked us for allowing her to be a part of Sophia's life here with us. She truly is amazing. Thank you just isn't enough. I almost feel as if I owe this woman my life! We had the nurse take Sophia again for a little while so we could tend to the needs of the other kids and to get them to calm down. Not to mention, I was one tired momma! We finally got everyone to calm down. I thought maybe I would be able to get a cat nap in while I put cartoons on the tv for the kids. It didn't happen. They all wanted to spend time with me and ask me questions about how I was feeling and if it hurt to have Sophia. Just lots of questions. I answered them all the best way I could. Before long, they all seemed to be getting pretty hyper and wanting to run around. It was a bit much for 2 tired parents. Angel and I talked alone off to the side for a minute and decided that we might as well have them head home. It had been a long day and we needed some rest, and so did the kids. So we told them and got them prepared to leave. But I wouldn't let them go home without seeing Sophia one more time. They loved on her some more. And about an hour or so later, everyone left. Just in time too because my fever was spiking yet again. How I couldn't wait for all that to be over!! The kids were sure to call me once they made it to Grandma's house. They all wanted to tell me how much they loved me and couldn't wait for me to get home the next day. And how much they really love their little sister and how cute she is. I wished them all a goodnight, told them I love them very much, and we hung up. Just as Angel and I were about to turn in for another night of restless sleep, his brother came. Bearing food!! Unfortunately, nothing I could eat. Everything just seemed to turn my stomach and make me sick, even jello. I knew I was in bad shape. He stayed for awhile and took in as much as he could of his newest niece. Thankfully, he didn't stay long. When he left, we went right to sleep. I was hoping to hear good news Wednesday morning and be told I was able to go home. But, I wasn't given that news. I was told I had to stay for another day due to spiking that fever. They were still unsure where this infection was located, but thought it may have been in my uterus. We're still not sure, even now. So Wednesday, we didn't have any visitors, other then our social worker and hospital chaplain. We needed a day to just rest and hope that I could get to feeling better so I could go home the next day. We had the nurse bring Sophia back to our room as soon as we woke up, but after breakfast. We both held her and loved on her. But we had noticed some changes in her color, along with other things. We spent a few hours with her and then decided that she needed to be in the morgue and kept cool. I was feeling very selfish for keeping her with us for so long that it was starting to take a toll on her little body. And we didn't want things to be any harder for the funeral directors then it would have to be. It was very hard having to say our goodbyes and handing her over to the nurse. I bawled when she walked out of the room with her. I cried so much that my chest started hurting and I started feeling very weak and dizzy. I also started feeling very hot. I knew that was a sign of another fever spike, so I tried my best to calm down because I hadn't had a spike in my fever all day. They said as long as it stayed down for 24 hours, I would be able to go home the following day. Angel made the call to the funeral home to let them know she was ready to be picked up. That was so hard on both of us. All of this has been hard. So the rest of the day we just cuddled together, cried together, and talked about Sophia a whole lot. I found myself in the rocking chair later, staring out the window at the sky and saying, "I know you're up there somewhere. Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you very very much and we miss you with all our hearts." Before you know it, it was night time and we were ready for bed. But at this point, I was starting to feel some pain from my c-section. I asked for something for the pain, first time in all the days I was there. And asked if I could have something for sleep, because I just wasn't getting enough. Well, the pain pill was enough to take the pain away and put me to sleep for awhile. But I was awake again by 4am. I didn't bother to ask for the sleep aid because I knew I would be waking up a couple hours later to the doc and I wanted to ask her if I was able to go home. That time came and she said yes! I was so happy that I'd be able to go home and be with my kids. At this point, I needed them more then anything. They gave me one last dose of antibiotic and we were on our way. Our first stop when we made it back to town was to drop off my prescriptions and to put our pictures in to be developed. Then it was off to talk with the funeral director. I knew it was going to be a hard thing to do but I didn't think it would be so hard to keep myself together. I had tears in my eyes multiple times. After we got everything squared away, he showed us her casket. We didn't know it had finally come. It was beautiful! Pure white. Inside it was baby pink and very soft. I knew she would sleep comfortably. We forgot to bring a few things to him that we wanted put in her casket with her. So we got those things together, along with 1 thing from each of the kids and her outfit and hat from Mystie. Angel ran it down to him the next day and while he was there, he had to go over the death certificate information. It just seems so unfair to have to go over that rather then fill out the papers for a birth certificate. But he did it and has been trying his best to remain strong but has had his breakdowns, just as I have.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to the now....<br />
Everything still feels very raw. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions. My heart continues to break multiple times a day. I cry quite a bit but find it hardest in the morning and at night. I've been keeping myself rather busy during the day. But I'm always thinking of my girl. I wish things could be different. I wish I could be sitting here updating everyone on the new week we have with her. But instead, it has been about her birth and everything that goes along with it. Monday is the big day. Her funeral. I do not feel prepared in any way. I'm not ready for final goodbyes or see you laters. I just want to keep her! My body, mind, and soul is yearning for my precious baby girl. I'm hurting in ways I never knew were possible. One lady told me something the other day and I believe it to be true. "When you lose a parents, it's like losing your past. When you lose a spouse, it's like losing your present. But when you lose a child, it's like losing your future." I'm already thinking alot about the what-ifs and the should'ves. Please bare with me during this difficult time.<br />
<br />
Some people have asked where they can send cards to. Here is that information:<br />
The Velazquez Family<br />
148 E. Independence St.<br />
Shamokin, PA 17872<br />
<br />
We would love to hear from you.<br />
<br />
Thank you for following our journey thus far. But I believe, this is just the beginning!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdDEND3O5pS4W9Kv5sgV8oInscOj3a6nV8pFydFCYXHSdwaZmo5CFmAvKatWmj7uDYgknCbAhkoQgZcOklq48QlsyhqK2nNpWDRA4DRJ8TBGh4eS2rr6b2svA0tMgvGhka43FJL5qjc14/s1600/IMG_0139.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdDEND3O5pS4W9Kv5sgV8oInscOj3a6nV8pFydFCYXHSdwaZmo5CFmAvKatWmj7uDYgknCbAhkoQgZcOklq48QlsyhqK2nNpWDRA4DRJ8TBGh4eS2rr6b2svA0tMgvGhka43FJL5qjc14/s320/IMG_0139.jpg" t8="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The hidden pain that lies on a child's face is heartbreaking!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-43019303399554966092011-05-22T19:40:00.000-04:002011-05-22T19:40:23.544-04:00Please don't...say that things will get easier... because they will only get worse before they get any better.<br />
<br />
Please don't say that I am strong... because I feel very weak. I am only as strong as God allows me to be.<br />
<br />
Please don't say that I'm a great person... because I feel horrible!<br />
<br />
I really do appreciate the comments from those of you who tell me I am strong and a great person/mother. But there are times like these, where I do not feel very strong or very great at all. I came to the conclusion that I am going to leave everything in God's hands. But even then, that doesn't help to lift the blues that I have been feeling today.<br />
<br />
I guess having 2 good days in a row was too much. I was asking for a 3rd, but I didn't get it. Am I really asking for too much? I don't feel as if I'm asking for much at all.<br />
<br />
Is this God's way of punishing me? Does He look upon me as a bad mother? I try my best to do right by my kids and my family. I've always been known as the person that always puts others needs ahead of my own. I rarely ever think of myself. As long as everyone around me is happy, I'm happy.<br />
<br />
Until now. I feel as if I'm the worst person to live with. I don't feel like doing anything. All I ever want to do is cry. And when I don't feel like crying, I feel like sleeping. Sleep is like my get-a-way from the reality of life. In my dreams, we have this beautiful baby girl who is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. Our family sits back and watches her grow. She rarely ever cries. She always has a smile on her face. A smile that could light up an entire room. She's a spittin' image of her older sister.<br />
<br />
And then I wake up and realize, it was all just a dream. At that point, I just want to cry. Why does it seem like my life is one big "joke"? <br />
<br />
Yesterday was supposed to be "Judgement Day", atleast according to one person. I sat here almost wishing it was! This way we could all reach Heaven and live happily ever after. No more pain, no more sorrow. But of course, that didn't happen. Like the bible states, "No man shall know". People and their predictions... what a waste.<br />
<br />
There are times when I feel very angry with God. Not because He put Sophia in our lives. But because of how much hurt He is allowing me to go through. I'm told it is normal to feel angry with Him. Just not to allow that anger to put a distance between me & Him. Keep Faith... that I have always been told.<br />
<br />
Please do not take my vent in a bad way... I'm just hurting very deeply right now and need to get some of it off my chest.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0I_GmVXT46JTfEO5acXCCRWPjgdSCDjDqxGZnVAaJ-pHwdpkTrrjHLjE6L0rHga0nVieaa_QocnXElH1spSdJgTL-ZybO7UvxDgYoxqwGztwMK7mkk9I1futSZxMn3XLPD2VGWwjtVUo/s1600/43cr%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0I_GmVXT46JTfEO5acXCCRWPjgdSCDjDqxGZnVAaJ-pHwdpkTrrjHLjE6L0rHga0nVieaa_QocnXElH1spSdJgTL-ZybO7UvxDgYoxqwGztwMK7mkk9I1futSZxMn3XLPD2VGWwjtVUo/s320/43cr%255B1%255D.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our love only gets deeper, thanks to you Sophia!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-320233591669550574.post-27220285890201656132011-05-22T00:51:00.000-04:002011-05-22T00:51:51.758-04:00Happy Birthday (to me)I have heard it said numerous times all week. I really do appreciate all the warm birthday wishes that everyone has sent. But the only thing I have been able to be happy about on this birthday, is the fact that I got to spend it with Sophia and the rest of my family. Other than that, it was just another day. I didn't do anything special. I just tried to "take it easy". I was asked several times by those closest to me, "What would you like for your birthday this year?" My response: "What I really want, I cannot have." Some left it at that and some begged me to stop because it was making them sad. Truth is, all I want for my birthday is to be able to keep Sophia with me, not just in my heart and mind.<br />
<br />
Despite telling people that, or telling them that I'm getting too old for gifts, I still received a few. A couple nice, cool outfits for the summer (and something I can actually squeeze into), homemade birthday cards from my kids, dipped strawberries, and best of all, our pregnancy portraits from NILMDTS. I will get to that a bit later though. Nice gestures, but it just doesn't compare! I would trade nearly anything to be able to keep my precious little girl.<br />
<br />
This week has been full of ups and downs. I had some really bad days where I didn't want to do a thing. And then days like today, where Angel and the kids decide, out of the blue, to set up a stand to try to raise money for Sophia's headstone. So, this afternoon, they all made their way outside to sell lemonade & hot dogs. Before long, people were stopping by. And most of them didn't want anything. They just wanted to give a donation and look at the pictures we had hanging on the pole of Sophia. Some of them asked questions, some of them gave us their condolences, and some just wanted to know what Anencephaly was. Sometimes I find it so hard to explain exactly what it is. So today, I left that part up to Angel. I just sat by, watching. Most people looked over at me with a look of sadness. I understand, it's heartbreaking. Believe me, I know firsthand/ But noone will ever know exactly what I'm feeling inside. Even those feelings are hard to explain to someone. I've tried, and they look at me as if I'm crazy. <br />
<br />
As of Thursday, we reached 30 weeks. And I'm so upset that I do not have a picture to share. Something is seriously wrong with my camera (which we specifically bought to take pics of Sophia's birth). Angel tried to take it back to the store, but since it has been more then 15 days, there is nothing they can do. They told us to contact Kodak. No problem. I spoke with an online agent. She goes on to tell me that it's a problem with the battery. Okay, the camera is only going on 4 months old, still has a warranty. Then she tells me they cannot help me if I do not have a copy of the receipt. I've never been good at keeping receipts... ever! Now I'm stuck with a camera that cost us about $120 and it won't work. I'm so bummed out, that alone makes me want to cry! I was really enjoying being able to take pictures every week of my growing belly :)<br />
<br />
Friday rolls around... I'm the big 26 now. Goodbye 25, hello 26. Doesn't feel any different. Honestly, I just wanted to sleep the day away and act as if it never happened. Thank God I didn't. I was hoping to get our NILMDTS pregnancy pictures back by my birthday... and I did! I was so excited to find the link to a website in my e-mail later that day. She sent us 3 pictures on Thursday night. I fell in love with them right away and was very excited to see the rest. So as soon as I noticed the e-mail, it was time to check them out. Absolutely beautiful! Stunning! I couldn't have asked for anything better. They turned out great! Here's a little peek:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMdrtD2yk4Q1eR2B2xER5yxthA2cW2kRY6c83_k9037ZmFgfCcDACVH5UaZkvDFPUU8mxU5zx7FyiwzD4v5CutkWHZ6pdJtH9u-D8ZQUTm-DxCv9HQlkxhjN3_xSQ4_49ak4obT7Kkgo/s1600/16bwcr%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMdrtD2yk4Q1eR2B2xER5yxthA2cW2kRY6c83_k9037ZmFgfCcDACVH5UaZkvDFPUU8mxU5zx7FyiwzD4v5CutkWHZ6pdJtH9u-D8ZQUTm-DxCv9HQlkxhjN3_xSQ4_49ak4obT7Kkgo/s320/16bwcr%255B1%255D.JPG" width="299" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Family pic!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>To see the rest, please go to <a href="http://www.collages.net/">http://www.collages.net/</a>. On the left side is the guest area. Click there. The username is Sophia Grace and the password is 23376. Login your info and it'll take you to the pictures. I tend to look at them several hundred times a day. I can't wait to be able to hang them up all over our house. Beautiful memories caught on camera. Beautiful memories that we made with Sophia. Memories... ugh, I'm really starting to hate the way that word sounds. Almost like all I'll ever have of Sophia is memories. I want so much more then that! Back to the website, once you're logged in, there is a guestbook on the left side. Please feel free to leave us a comment. We would love to know how many people are looking at our pictures :)<br />
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Kathy, if you're reading this... Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You and Ben did an amazing job. These pictures are just breathtaking. I love them so very much. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to meet with us. I will never forget you. You will always hold a very special place in our hearts! Thank you just isn't enough.<br />
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Back to our little sale today... we didn't get to stay out very long. The rain chased us back inside. But while we were out there, we were able to raise $64 towards Sophia's headstone. God, how I wish I could put that money towards clothes, diapers, bottles, stroller, etc. Thank you to all who stopped by today and enjoyed our hot dogs and lemonade, or just gave a donation. No matter how big or small, it helps! We deeply appreciate it.<br />
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I want to apologize if this post seems very unorganized. Truth is, I feel very unorganized myself lately. I have yet to start picking up the pieces to what used to be my life. They're still scattered all over the floor. And I just don't know where to start to put it all back together again. I'm not sure I want to either. As I have said many times before, this is a very difficult journey. One I had never expected to be on. One I had never truly understood. Even now, I don't fully understand it. And we've been on this journey now for almost 3 months. Maybe I will never understand. At one point, I knew just what I wanted to do with my life, aside from trying to be the best mother I can be. I was so interested in the Criminal Justice field and I was doing everything in my power to make my way there. But, I have officially given up. I do not feel as if my calling is Criminal Justice. I feel now that my calling in life is to help others, even in the slightest bit, to get through hard times like these. When they're faced with a fatal prenatal diagnosis, I want to be right there saying, "I know how you feel! I've been there. And this is what we can do to get through it... but only when you're ready." Now what profession would that be? I really do not know. <br />
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Oops, there I go again. Completely random. Maybe it's the fact that it's getting late. Maybe I should just go rest my weary eyes and leave blogging for another day.<br />
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Thanks for taking the time to read this "messy" post. And a quick welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for joining us on this journey. Sophia's Journey. The Velazquez Family Journey... whatever you want to call it :)<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiyMU8sWuunE4DG2JYKeKiwpppttNtI_in5Hbb4YsY9Y4UDpOa5eS91EAvNv_OmZ7Y1VCbOsssDv8dZGQ5VwGq0b1TmhA1xU6TfIivbEUOyHrEI-t5Y2e2hEMxJx3c2mu9dMkoqdVneVE/s1600/16nam%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiyMU8sWuunE4DG2JYKeKiwpppttNtI_in5Hbb4YsY9Y4UDpOa5eS91EAvNv_OmZ7Y1VCbOsssDv8dZGQ5VwGq0b1TmhA1xU6TfIivbEUOyHrEI-t5Y2e2hEMxJx3c2mu9dMkoqdVneVE/s320/16nam%255B1%255D.JPG" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A family's bond, one that is unbreakable!<br />
We love you, Sophia Grace</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Tabithahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14578899392599062578noreply@blogger.com1