We've finally reached 21 weeks today! The last 2 days have been very exciting for me because I've had to chance to feel several powerful kicks from Sophia! I love it :) Then I hear other pregnant mothers saying that they can't wait til it's all over. And here I am, wishing it could continue forever. We went for our check-up today and of course, my baby girl, still has a very strong heartbeat. I love hearing it. It's a reminder for me that all that we're going through is worth it. I just wish D-day never had to come. I look forward to that day because I know I'll finally get to see her and hold her in my arms. But then it also hits me that sometime afterwards we'll have to say our goodbyes. Which I'm definitely not looking forward to. I just want to keep her here with us forever. She'll always live on in our hearts, I know that. It may be selfish to some, but I just want her to stay here, healthy and alive, and never have to say goodbye.
While at the doctors today, she told me she strongly advises that I have a tubal after the delivery. I thought for sure I'd be able to have atleast 1 more c-section in the future. But she tells me that she doesn't think it would be a very good idea. That she almost lost a patient not too long ago during her 5th c-section. Now I'm scared out of my mind. I've been scared for Sophia's sake for the last 3 weeks. Now I'm also afraid for myself. So it looks like there will be no more babies in my future. That itself adds more stress and depression on my shoulders, but I guess it's the only safe way.
Can't wait for Monday morning to get here. We get to see Sophia on ultrasound again. I'm so excited for that. I love watching her move around. Sometimes I just can't feel all these movements but seeing them makes me feel so much better. going to ask them if I can get a video of her ultrasound. Something to keep as a memory, one of many.
I just have so many mixed emotions right now. And I'm back to feeling all alone again. I just really hope that I'm doing the right thing.