Sunday, May 1, 2011

And the road gets harder

I never thought I'd be saying those words, because it seems like it cannot get any harder then it has been. Boy, was I wrong!

This past week seems to be one of the hardest I've faced yet. I've been dealing with Braxton-Hicks nearly every day for a week. Everytime they hit, I sit here and say to myself, "Please God, do not let this be the time! I'm just not ready!" I have never experienced Braxton-Hicks this early on. The doctors assure me that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe to them it's not!

Aside from that, I'm finding it hard to contain my emotions. I thought I was doing so well for awhile. Of course I've shed a few tears here and there, but haven't had a complete meltdown since we received the news and the whole first 2 weeks after that. This past week has been different. I've had to cry myself to sleep. I've sat here listening to certain songs and just cry. I've read numerous stories about other mothers who have lost their babies, and cry. I wonder if things will be the same for me... or if they'll be different.

I'm starting to feel as if I'm distancing myself from those who matter most. I'll sit here at my window and watch everyone go on about their day, without a care in the world. And I find myself wondering, "How can they do this? Is there nothing that bothers them?" I guess I'll never know the answer. But for me, it feels as if everything has come to a halt. Like the world has just stopped turning. I find it hard to get up out of bed every day. I find it even harder to leave my house.

I went for a walk with Angel and Javier (my youngest) and while we were walking, we were stopped and asked the usual questions: 

When are you due?
What are you having?
Is this going to be your last?

And of course, congratulations.

Certain people that have known us for years, we will explain what is going on. But to those who don't know us all that well, we just answer the questions and keep moving. I never thought questions like those would be so hard to answer. Everyone seems to think that when you're pregnant, you'll have a baby and come home with him/her and watch her grow. They never think of the possibilities that something may go wrong. Or that the mother was given a fatal prenatal diagnosis.

On another note, tomorrow is Jordan's birthday (my 3rd child)! He'll be 6 years old. I wonder where all the time has gone. At the same time, I find myself wondering what Sophia would be doing on her 6th birthday. Or even on her 1st. I'm told these are normal feelings. They just don't feel 'normal' to me. But even through these hard times, Jordan has been wonderful! He never forgets that he has a baby sister on the way. He gives her hugs and kisses every day! There are even times when he'll ask, "Mommy, did Sophia go to Heaven yet?" That's one question that seems to hurt me every time. I know he's not trying to hurt me. It's just one of those questions. He actually got to feel her move for the first time yesterday. His reaction was priceless! He went from being calm to overly excited! In his Daddy's words, "He acts as if he just had his first taste of candy!" That was one way to put it. Ever since, he'll ask me, "Is she moving yet, Mommy? I want to feel her again!" Unfortunately, my other kids haven't felt her move yet. Javier has, but didn't really know what it was.

I missed out on taking a 27 week pic :( My camera died and it's in the middle of being charged. Once I have that, I'll post it!

And now, we're moving on to Week 28! I'm excited and scared. One week closer to D-Day. This week, we'll be meeting with the NICU team. Not that Sophia will be taken into the NICU, but it's so that we can have some answers as to what we'll hear and what they'll do during delivery. And what to expect. I do not look forward to this, but I know it's something we have to do. Thanks to my wonderful social worker, Mindy, we'll be going in for an ultrasound right after the meeting is over. God knows how much I love to see Sophia on that monitor. Even if she's still/sleeping. It amazes me to see just how much she has grown from the previous scan.

I'm sure you have all heard the old wives tale of. "If you have alot of heartburn during pregnancy, your baby will have alot of hair." In my case, that has always been true! My first 3 children, I had pretty mild heartburn. They all had a decent amount of hair at birth. My 4th child, everything I came in contact with gave me heartburn, water included! He had more hair then the others. Now here is my dilemma: why am I having such bad heartburn now? Pretty much everything I eat or drink (besides water), gives me heartburn. It doesn't make much sense to me right now. I guess it's a 'wait and see' thing.

Please God, grant us a miracle!

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