Sunday, May 22, 2011

Please don't...

say that things will get easier... because they will only get worse before they get any better.

Please don't say that I am strong... because I feel very weak. I am only as strong as God allows me to be.

Please don't say that I'm a great person... because I feel horrible!

I really do appreciate the comments from those of you who tell me I am strong and a great person/mother. But there are times like these, where I do not feel very strong or very great at all. I came to the conclusion that I am going to leave everything in God's hands. But even then, that doesn't help to lift the blues that I have been feeling today.

I guess having 2 good days in a row was too much. I was asking for a 3rd, but I didn't get it. Am I really asking for too much? I don't feel as if I'm asking for much at all.

Is this God's way of punishing me? Does He look upon me as a bad mother? I try my best to do right by my kids and my family. I've always been known as the person that always puts others needs ahead of my own. I rarely ever think of myself. As long as everyone around me is happy, I'm happy.

Until now. I feel as if I'm the worst person to live with. I don't feel like doing anything. All I ever want to do is cry. And when I don't feel like crying, I feel like sleeping. Sleep is like my get-a-way from the reality of life. In my dreams, we have this beautiful baby girl who is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. Our family sits back and watches her grow. She rarely ever cries. She always has a smile on her face. A smile that could light up an entire room. She's a spittin' image of her older sister.

And then I wake up and realize, it was all just a dream. At that point, I just want to cry. Why does it seem like my life is one big "joke"?

Yesterday was supposed to be "Judgement Day", atleast according to one person. I sat here almost wishing it was! This way we could all reach Heaven and live happily ever after. No more pain, no more sorrow. But of course, that didn't happen. Like the bible states, "No man shall know". People and their predictions... what a waste.

There are times when I feel very angry with God. Not because He put Sophia in our lives. But because of how much hurt He is allowing me to go through. I'm told it is normal to feel angry with Him. Just not to allow that anger to put a distance between me & Him. Keep Faith... that I have always been told.

Please do not take my vent in a bad way... I'm just hurting very deeply right now and need to get some of it off my chest.

Our love only gets deeper, thanks to you Sophia!

1 comment:

  1. I think people say these things because they may not know what else to say. They can't imagine being in your position and how they would handle it. I've read before that you don't know how strong you can be til it's the only choice you have.