Wednesday, May 4, 2011

7 months...

well, close enough! Tomorrow makes 28 weeks for us, but I decided to do my blog now. We have so much ahead of us tomorrow. I'm sure by the time we get home from the hospital, I'll be ready for a long nap!

Tomorrow we'll be meeting with our social worker to discuss our birth plan. After that, we'll be meeting with the NICU team for our MDC. This part, I am not looking forward to. But I guess it's time to chin up. After that, we'll be going for our ultrasound to see Sophia. I'm very excited for this! And after all our appointments are out of the way, we'll be going for our family pregnancy pictures. Super excited! It'll be the first time we get to meet our NILMDTS photographer.

I've decided to let my 3 older children stay home from school tomorrow to join us. It'll be the first time they get to see their baby sister. And they also wanted to be included in the pictures. I wouldn't have it any other way! They're all super excited to see her and take pictures with her. It's only a little after 9pm and they're all sleeping. This is not normal in the Velazquez house (lol). But lately, there is nothing normal about our family anymore.

Of course, on the outside, we look like your average family. 2 parents, 4 children ranging in age from 10-3, and a baby on the way. Sometimes I wish these strangers only knew what we're being faced with. Would they even be able to understand the pain that my family is feeling? Probably not. But maybe if they knew, they would keep their questions at bay.

7 months... it seems like such a long time. Unfortunately, it's been going by way too fast for us. As every day passes, I know I'm one day closer to delivering Sophia. Yes, I am beyond excited to finally get the chance to meet this precious little girl that I've been feeling the last few months. Yes, I'm excited to hold her and tell her just how much I love her. Yes, I'm excited about getting the chance to take in her scent. What I am not excited about, is having to let her go so soon. I dread this day. I keep telling myself, "God wouldn't have put Sophia in my life if He didn't think I was strong enough to deal with what will happen." Truth is, I'm far from strong enough.

I lost my grandfather when I was about 10-11 years old. And that pain still seems very raw. I never got to say good-bye to him. Apparently, I was "too young". But now here I am, just days away from turning 26, and I still find myself thinking of him. Wishing he was still here with us. Wishing I could just leave the house and track him down, because to me, he hasn't died. He's lost out there somewhere and noone can find him. I have no closure.

I know things will be different when it comes to Sophia, but my point is, I do not handle death very well. This is going to tear me apart. While all these other moms get to hold their babies in their arms and love on them, I'll be sitting back grieving. I'll be having to go to a cemetery to spend time with my little girl. And I find myself wondering, "Will she even know I'm there?" I know I will be spending many afternoons sitting/laying next to her. "Will my other children understand that they will always have a baby sister?" Mercedes will continuously tell me that everything is so unfair because she can't have the baby sister she's been waiting for for so long. I just hope that she'll always remember that she does in fact have a sister. One that is extra special. One that will be watching over all of us for years to come. One who will be waiting for us when our time here is over.

These words are just so hard to say. I never thought that this would be me. A "baby loss mama".

If it weren't for Sophia, I never would've met some of the people that I have. Within the last few weeks, I've met some pretty amazing people. Some who have touched my heart with their kind words, some who have offered to lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, and some who have made me life when all I felt like doing was dying.

But I have to keep on keeping on. Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, and Javier need me. I know Sophia will be well taken care of in the arms of Jesus.

Time to head to bed and prepare for our early morning journey!

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