Friday, April 1, 2011

23 weeks and a day!

I was meaning to pop in yesterday with an update, but life has been rather hectic lately. My sister delivering her twins on Sunday night, my father being admitted into the hospital Monday morning, talking to his doctors and setting up my own appointments, I kinda lost track of everything else. We had quite a scare there with my father. The first hospital he was at claimed he had 5 blockages in his heart. Not 1, but 5! I was beyond stressed and upset. I kept telling myself that, "I can't afford to lose my father AND my daughter within months of each other." So, they sent him to another hospital (a better one) and did a heart cath on him this morning. Turns out there are NO blockages! I'm finally able to breathe a bit easier now. And as long as his heart rate stays down tonight, he'll be able to come home tomorrow. I thank God for this every chance I get. And I also thank all my friends and family for praying for him. This just goes to show you that prayers really do get answered! And I find myself sitting here hoping that all the prayers work for Sophia. There are hundreds of people praying for her right now. Please God, answer these prayers!

As titled, we've finally reached 23 weeks (and a day). And what a 23 weeks this has been. Moments of pure joy, many moments of sadness, and moments of anger (mainly for me). I still can't seem to grasp the fact that this is happening to me. To my family. And above all, to my precious baby girl. Like I've said many times before, it all seems so unfair. I know there is a lesson to be learned from this experience. Is this God's way of wanting to get me to love more deeply? Is this His way of teaching me just how much it hurts to lose a loved one? I have so many questions running through my head. Some I'm sure will never have an answer. Sophia is just so active now, almost as if she's dancing around inside me! My oldest daughter, Mercedes, asked her Daddy today, "Does Mommy always smile like that when she feels Sophia kick?" And he answered that with, "Yes she does. Now if only she would let me feel her move!" I happen to find it kind of funny. Once I feel Sophia move, I tell Angel (her daddy), and he'll rush over in hopes of feeling her move. But once he lays his hand on my belly, she stops moving. After a few minutes, he'll walk away and she'll start moving again. It almost seems as if Sophia and Daddy are playing some sort of hide-and-seek game. Everything just feels so normal that I can't accept the fact of what is ahead.

We finally had the chance to meet with our priest this past Wednesday. We talked quite a bit about what is going on with Sophia and our plans for her after delivery. After a little while, he reminded me how I asked him to send out a prayer request in our church. I almost forgot about that! And he said he did just that. And ever since then, he's been receiving several calls from other members of our church asking how we're doing. I couldn't believe it. I always wanted Sophia to make an impact on everyone's lives the way she has in ours.  And it seems like she is! After telling us that, he said that members of our church have also donated money to go towards Sophia's funeral costs. I wanted to start bawling right then, but told myself I have to stay strong and listen to what he had to say. He told us we didn't have to worry about any of those costs, because they are all handling it. What a blessing that has been! One less thing to worry about. And now we can focus on our family and the time we have left to spend with Sophia. We've been trying so hard to raise money to be able to pay for these things. But now it's like we don't have to. But, we've decided to continue making the ribbons and keychains to raise money to put towards Sophia's headstone (in case that isn't covered), a few outfits for her to wear in her pictures by NILMDTS, a small donation to the wonderful photographer that will be capturing many memories for us, and whatever is left we plan to donate to the March of Dimes at our walk in the fall. I'd also like to do something extra special to keep Sophia's memory alive forever. I've read how Baby Rachel's mother is putting together the plans to build a playground, Rachel's Playground! I've also read how some mother's start a garden. I'd love to be able to do that, but I have no yard. So I'm sitting back trying to think of something new. Something noone else has ever done before. The possibilities are endless!

In the beginning, we had decided to have Sophia cremated (even though I'm highly against cremation), and for very selfish reasons. So I could always keep her here with me. I knew this was against my religion, but I figured I could do it anyway. Until Angel started having frights of something happening to her ashes. And our priest made several good points. What if our house caught fire and we lost everything? What if they got knocked over and one of my other kids tried to clean it up and throw away Sophia's ashes? How could I ever live with myself if these things happened? So, we've decided against cremation. And she will be buried. Our priest is looking around at different cemeteries for us. One less thing for us to do. This man is beyond helpful! I couldn't ask for a better priest. We had never planned on staying in this small town for the rest of our lives, after all we are a young family. But, it looks like we'll be sticking around until we are old and gray. I refuse to leave my baby girl here all alone. We also thought we were just going to hold a small service for Sophia, just family and closest friends. But we changed our minds there too. Sophia is known by many people. And many people have offered their help. So, anyone who would like to attend is more then welcome to do so. She has affected their lives as well, so why count them out?

After all this was said and done, our priest anointed me. God, how I hope this worked! I remember leaving his office feeling much better then I had been since receiving Sophia's fatal diagnosis. When we got home, I sat here joking around with Angel and he kinda gave me the look like "What is wrong with her? She hasn't been like this in awhile." Before long, I got this weird feeling in my right side (where Sophia seems to lay at the most). I can't even begin to describe the feeling. It wasn't exactly a pain. Just something I can't describe, a feeling that was a little uncomfortable. I remember thinking, "God, are you working your magic now???" And within minutes I was overwhelmed with fatigue. So I decided to lay down for a "cat-nap". Let's just say that cat-nap lasted several hours! I still find myself wondering if God was up to something at that moment. I guess I can only hope and pray that He was.

We've got lots of appointments coming up. Early morning appointments too, which I hate. But atleast during those appointments I'll be able to see Sophia again. And that is what I look forward to the most. I never want this to end. Can't I just carry you forever and never have to let you go?

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