Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Did we really have to?

I believe that yesterday was one of the hardest days for us. We had a meeting with the funeral director and it seemed to go rather well. But I remember thinking to myself all morning, "Do we really have to do this?". It felt as if I had given up all hope. Angel met with him the first time, I just couldn't bring myself to go. But yesterday, I had no other choice. Some decisions had to be made, and we had to do it together. He showed us a layout of one of the cemetaries. I'm pretty sure this is the cemetary we'll be dealing with. He's waiting on a call back from the priest so see about cost and such. Not that it really matters, because our daughter means more to us then any amount of money. He also showed us a picture of a casket he thought we would like. Once I seen the picture, I knew that it would be "the one" for her. Just looking at the picture, I wanted to cry. But I knew I had to keep myself strong. After all, all these plans could be dropped at the snap of a finger if things turn out different for Sophia. So he said he was going to put the order in and it should arrive within 1-2 weeks. He wrote down the information we gave him for her future obituary. I think that was the hardest! As I sat there listening to the director, I remember talking to Sophia inside, just asking her to give me some kind of sign that she's okay. And... nothing! He went on to show us the different types of prayer cards we could choose from. I looked through them but I didn't see any that I thought was right for her. Angel picked out several that he liked. But we told him we'd think it over and let him know. He gave us a sheet of paper with different prayers on it, to be put on the back of the prayer card. There is about 3 that I really liked, but 1 that stood out in front of the rest. Let me share that with you:

Do not stand by my gave and weep...
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift upflinging rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star shine at night.
Do not stand by my grace and cry...
I am not there.
I did not die.
I live with the Risen Lord.

That is the prayer that stands out to me most. But there are a few that seem to fit this situation. In time, we'll have the perfect prayer picked out. It's just nice to know that this funeral director thinks the same way I have been for the last 6 weeks. Miracles do happen! Who is to say that Sophia won't be a miracle? Who is to say that Sophia will not defy all the odds and pull through? Who is to say the doctors aren't wrong? Only time will tell.

Our meeting lasted about 45 minutes, and then it was time to leave. I couldn't wait to make it back outside! I needed to breathe. I needed to feel the warmth of the sun. And of course, I needed the fresh air. Once we made it outside, I felt like I was going to break. I felt the stinging in my eyes. I felt the lump in my throat that I just couldn't swallow down. Within about 30 seconds of being outside, Sophia started moving around like you wouldn't believe. Almost as if she was protesting. Just laying inside my womb, taking in everything that was being said throughout the meeting. And now that we were done, it was her turn to speak. And boy, did she ever.

Everything after that just seems like a blur. I know we walked home together. But my mind was somewhere else. I didn't have much to say on the way home. Unless Javier (our 3 year old son), got my attention. When we finally made it home, I just sat down and covered my eyes. I knew the time was coming. I knew I was going to break. So I covered my eyes, and let the stinging of my tears set in. Before long, Angel was standing over me, and leaned over me to give me a hug. This was something I had needed all morning. And just that one hug seemed to make all the tears fade away. By then, I was feeling rather tired and weak. I laid on the couch with Angel and we watched our son play his video game. About an hour later, we got up from the couch and went on with our day.

It has been a struggle for me to keep moving on each day, nearing D-day. But I keep telling myself that I have to keep pushing on, I have 4 other children who need me. And one (Sophia) who is depending on me. I know this journey is only going to get harder and harder. But I have to somehow learn how to make the best of it. Sophia Grace, you have changed my life FOREVER! I love you baby girl... more then anything in this world!


  1. Hi, I'm a reader at CafeMom (I'm tinamatt) and saw the link to your blog. ((()))