Friday, March 2, 2012

Guilt trips

As of lately, I've been having so many guilt trips, it's unbelievable! I have had so many within the last couple weeks. Today, my biggest one was because I haven't been able to come visit your resting place since Christmas Day. I feel so horrible about that. In the beginning, I used to come visit you every single day. After a little while, it changed to every other day. At some point, it changed to a few times a week. Then to once a week. I tried promising myself it would never become less often. But here I am, a little over 2 months and I haven't been able to visit with you. So, Sharyl was messaging me and said she'd be willing to go with me! That completely made my day. Unfortunately when we made it there, it was already so dark and very hard to see. I wanted to make sure all your things were still in their right place and unharmed. I could see slightly with the lights from our cellphones. It looked like everything was still there. I didn't get to stay very long at all because Sharyl had to be home by a certain time. Not to mention, it was very cold up there. So I gave my kisses to you and left. I came home and let it be known just how bad I feel. Nana & Pappy were here. They said that they were planning on picking up some flowers for you and asked if I wanted to come visit with you tomorrow, during the day. So here I am, all excited again. After leaving you tonight, I felt a sense of peace (along with more guilt because I really shouldn't have to leave you behind).

I've also been feeling guilty because I haven't been updating your blog much lately. I know we have 53 followers as of right now and I feel as if I am disappointing them along with you. I've been trying to very hard to get your story out there and here I am, stalling. I even made a video for you! I posted it several times on Facebook and on your page. Last I checked, you had 520+ hits. It makes me proud to know that the story of your life is circulating around the internet. It seems like the internet is the only way people communicate these days so I figured it would be worth a try. It has brought so many tears to the eyes of many, myself included. I'm going to try to figure out how to add the video to your blog. Then all our readers can take a look at it, in case they didn't see the link on Facebook. Even with that, I feel as if I left something very important out. I'm not sure what it is yet. But to me, 10 minutes doesn't seem to be enough time to fit your 31+ weeks of life inside of me. I'm sure in time I'll be making a new one.

Another guilt trip: not trying hard enough to raise donations for your March of Dimes team. All I have been able to do is spread the link around on Facebook. Yes, I do a lot on Facebook. Mainly because I don't go out and socialize with people. So the best way for me to do it, is through posts. Nana has been out telling everyone about the walk. She has raised $90.83 on her own. Without her help, I wouldn't know what to do! I've also been trying to get more team members and have only been able to recruit 2. That really bums me out because I want our first walk in your name to be GREAT! We're down to 2 months and 4 days until the walk and I'm starting to feel nervous and scared that things aren't going to go according to planned. Fingers crossed that I am wrong.

I'm not even going to bother listing all my other guilt trips because they sound even more ridiculous than the last one I just added. I just feel terrible. When I do get the chance to come visit you, I always have to leave... empty handed. It shouldn't be like this. I should be sitting back watching my 9 month old baby girl learning the new things she can do. And I can't. That in itself rips pieces of my heart away every day. I often go to sleep at night hoping, praying, and wishing that when I wake up, you're here. And every day that I wake up and your not here is more of reality smacking me in the face.

I do not feel as if I am angry at God anymore. I just wish I knew the answers for why He had things happen this way. Why did He have to take you away from us before we had the chance to get to know you? So many unanswered questions.

Earlier tonight, I was sitting here basically day-dreaming of you. And as I was, Kolton came into the picture. You were chasing him around in Heaven's Garden. Only in this day-dream, the two of you were no longer babies. You were a little older. Such beautiful children. The way the sun was shining through your hair was amazing. That picture in itself made the two of you look exactly like Angels. Beautiful, gorgeous Angels. I just wanted to reach out and touch your soft cheek. Kiss your sweet lips. Run my fingers through your blonde hair. And look into those gorgeous blue eyes. I've yet to have any dreams about you while I'm sleeping, and I think that is because I sit back and day-dream about you so often. It's great! It almost makes me feel as if you're still here. No one can take that away!

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