Saturday, February 18, 2012

Random Thoughts

Often, I sit here and wonder, "Do they still remember you? Do they think less of you because you didn't get to live outside of my womb?" I've come to notice that in some of the support groups, there are cliques. I have found myself not checking into those groups much anymore, except to update my notebook with Anencephaly Angel birthdays. I'm thinking that I may just stop going into support groups and delete myself from those pages.

The best support I can get is from those who are right here, in real life. I have met several amazing women through these groups and I'm happy with our friendships. We don't get to talk that often, but that's okay. I've just come to notice how certain babies get mentioned more then others. And it always seems as if it's only the babies who have "lived" outside their mothers womb. They just don't seem to think the way us mother's of stillborns do. You were a very active baby... you lived for 31+ weeks. They didn't get to see all the awesome things you did. But I did! I am so proud of you. Babies do not have to be born alive to be amazing & breathtaking.

I think at times people are afraid to talk to me simply because I talk about you. Maybe that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it  makes them nervous. Or maybe they think I'll have some sort of breakdown. I just wish they would understand just how much I love talking about you. About how beautiful you are, about the way you touched the lives of so many (even if only for a short time). I have to speak your name, I have to show your pictures. It makes things more real to them. I don't know, maybe they just think I'm crazy. And maybe they're right! I'm crazy in love with my angel princess!

As I have mentioned before about your story being written in the paper, it wasn't posted today. I was really hoping today would be the day. Fact is, I'm very impatient. I guess I need to learn to have a little more patience. I'm just so excited to be able to get your story out there. I want others to know of you. And most of all, I want the education and awareness spread all over the world. I guess it is better if it gets printed in the Sunday paper. More people read the paper on Sunday then on any other day.

We have created a new page for you on Facebook. The first one from several months ago was "In Memory of Sophia Grace Velazquez "Born Sleeping" May 31, 2011". I've met some pretty amazing people through that page, but I want to be able to do more. So, "Team: Sophia's Angels" has been born. We decided to use the name of your March of Dimes team. Sounds pretty good to me! I plan on posting many facts about Anencephaly, along with Myths vs. Facts. I'm sure that this new page will turn into much more than that. I can't wait to see it evolve and grow into something that even my imagination can't come up with.

I've been having a pretty rough couple of days. I guess I'm just being too hard on myself. Yesterday was the anniversary of my Aunt Cindy's passing. I'm sure she's just having so much fun with you. I an remember clearly the day that your brother Jordan was born. She came up to be here for his birth, along with your Uncle Josh. I have a picture of her sitting in a rocking chair at the hospital, with Jordan swaddled in her arms. The look on her face and the love in her eyes was truly amazing. I can just picture her doing that with you. And taking such wonderful care of you, until I can be there to do it myself. Speaking of Jordan, he's had a rather rough day so far today. He woke me up this morning, eyes full of tears, and repeating, "I miss Sophia, Mommy! I wish it could have been me and not her. She's your baby!" Those words stung my heart! I know how much your brothers and sister miss you. But for one of them to "wish" it was them, kills me. I would do anything to have you here in my arms, but that doesn't mean I'd want to lose another child just for you to be here. I'm not trying to make that sound bad at all. I don't like being an Angel Mommy. I'd be much happier if I had all my children here and in one place.

Once again, I've been thinking about a "rainbow baby". A lot of the other Anencephaly Angel moms have or will be having their rainbow babies. Most of those babies are healthy! That's good news. And then there are moms who are expecting their first or second Anencephaly Angel. I would like to try again, but I am just so very scared! Scared that it'll happen again, scared that you'll feel as if I'm trying to replace you, scared that others will think the same, and scared that everyone will just completely forget about you. I just don't know what to do. My mind is once again back to running in a million different directions at one time. One day, I'll be able to sort this all out.

So my day has started off rather depressingly. I keep trying to look for the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Right now, all I can see is a tiny speck of light.I'm hoping that as I continue trying to move forward, I'll start seeing that tiny speck turn into a bright light.

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