Tuesday, February 7, 2012

36 weeks

36 weeks have gone by... People say, "It gets easier in time."' I don't think that is true. It's been just a little over 8 months and the pain is still very fresh, time only seems to be making it harder. The more days that tick by, the more I miss her, the more I wish Sophia was still here with us. I'm doing better with the tears. I try to put a "fake" smile on my face, so I don't have to answer the constant question of... "What's wrong?" It's not that hard to figure out. My life is what's wrong. I no longer have my baby here with me. It shouldn't be that way. She should be here in my arms, crawling around on the floor, trying to talk. I'm missing it all. Life has yet to get any easier.

A lot of things have been going on since my last post. We moved in to a bigger place. All of your pictures are now hanging up throughout the house. We have your own little shelf hanging on the wall. I find myself staring up at those pictures daily and wondering what you may be doing. At times, I still feel as if you're all alone. Stuck without any one. But then I remind myself that many of our great relatives have also passed away and I know they are taking good care of you until it is my time.

Javier has made up his own little game for us to play. When he sees that Mommy is looking sad, he says, "Mommy, do you miss Sophia? I miss her too! I'll go get her!" And then he pretends to fly to Heaven and bring you here. I pretend like I'm hugging and kissing on you and then he tells me, "I have to take her back now." And when he returns, he has a new baby! He tells me to guess who it is. I'll ask if it's a baby girl or a baby boy, and once he tells me, I start making guesses. I've named off Kolton, Andrew, Palmer, Nevyn, Rachel, Christina, and many others. He does the same thing with them, gives me enough time to hug & kiss each one of them and then "takes them Home". It's a game we have been playing for quite some time now and we both love it!

On another note, a friend of ours contacted the News-Item to ask about running your story in the local newspaper. I made a promise to you that I would spread awareness on Anencephaly and I plan to stick to that promise. I tried e-mailing them a couple times myself but never heard anything back. After Stephanie e-mailed them, she heard back the next day. They have agreed to run the story. I'm very excited! But at the same time, I'm a bit nervous. I just can''t wait to read it in black & white and be able to educate others in the community and surrounding areas. This story will not only be about you but about all babies who have been born with Anencephaly. Most people think of it as being a "tale". Like it'll never happen to them. Just as they start thinking that, the unexpected happens. So many people have to face the loss of a baby or child every single day all over the world. How can one planet experience so much pain and sadness? It's beyond me.

I finally had the chance to set up a team with the March of Dimes. We were supposed to have a walk set up here in our town by last fall, but the woman never got back to me. So this year, we're going to walk in Danville, at the hospital where you were born! Our team name.... Sophia's Angels! I remember posting a "question" on Facebook some time ago asking what everyone thought we should name the team. Sophia's Angels and Sophia's Hope were the ones with the most votes, Sophia's Angels having several more. So there is the meaning behind the name :) If you live near by and would like to walk with us, please visit www.marchforbabies.org/angelbabysophia and join our team! If you can't attend, please feel free to make a donation. We would love to see many families faces on the day of the walk. It would mean so much to us!

Today you're 36 weeks old. I hope you have had an amazing day! Don't get too hyper off your cake and ice cream! I'm sure you're having a blast with all your friends. Please come visit Mommy in my dreams, I could really use you tonight. I love & miss you to the moon & back!!


  1. It's ok if it doesn't feel easier. You're still in the 1st year, which is typically the most difficult. But others have said too that yr 2 or 3 were harder. For me, it was def the 1st. But there's still moments for me as we approach year 3 in about a month. I just go w/ the flow. I embrace happiness when it comes and allow myself to feel the grief when it comes.

    I love the game you two play!

    How awesome you will get to share in the newspaper!

  2. I probably blogged the same thing around month 8 - it's just hard as others seem to think "better" should be just around the corner and it's just not. Rachel's 9 month anniversary was really hard for me... I have figured out that I don't have grief all figured out! It is so hard to lose a baby. Make sure you post the article when it's in the paper!