Friday, July 1, 2011

1 month...

ago I had to say "see you later" to my precious little girl. One month ago, I was the happiest, yet saddest mother in the whole world. One month ago, we had pictures taken of our family of 7. One month ago, several people shed many tears in my hospital room. One month ago, I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms for the first time. One month ago, Angel proved to me just how strong he was by tending to Sophia's needs (cleaning up after birth, cutting her umbilical cord, putting a dressing and hat on Sophia's little head, swaddling her in a blanket, and bringing her to me so I could meet this beautiful little girl.) One month ago, I felt part of my heart break and leave right along with my girl. One month ago, I thought for sure I was going to die, right along with Sophia.

But, I'm still here! I must be doing something right. Honestly, I believe it has a lot to do with the prayers that everyone has been sending. I believe that if it weren't for the prayers from all of you, I may not be where I am today. I think your prayers are what has pulled me away from going off the deep end.

These last 31 days have not be easy ones. Just recently, I decided to try to put myself in Sophia's shoes. If my mother would have lost me, would I want her to sit around the rest of her life with a pile of grief & sadness on her shoulders and in her heart? No, I would not. I would want her to try her best to enjoy what life she has left. And I'm sure that is exactly what Sophia has been thinking. I can almost hear her saying, "Mommy, please! Pick yourself back up. I haven't gone far, for I am still in your heart. I will be waiting in God's mighty Kingdom for you." So, I have decided that I'm going to start picking up the pieces of our lives. Our lives have been changed forever, but we still have a puzzle of a life to put back together... just with 1 big missing piece.

Right now, I want to thank all of you for your support, prayers, & donations! We would like to thank each & every one of you from the bottom of our hearts. Hopefully you're all reading this. Without you, we'd be stuck! I also want to thank Maryann and her husband from Buried With Dignity. You are both truly amazing and I'm so thankful that God has brought you into our lives! Thank you all <3

As of right now, we are at a total of $1,320 in donations towards Sophia's headstone. We're almost there! I can't believe it... this is truly a blessing. We still have a ways to go yet to reach our goal of $3,000 but we're getting there and that is all that matters. In time, Sophia will have the stone that she deserves thanks to many of you. I'm hoping to get out this weekend to snap a few pictures of the headstone we want for her so I can post it here to share with you all and to send to Maryann so her hubby can add it to the site.

On another note, I should be getting our hospital pictures back sometime within the next day or so (I hope). There seems to be a problem with the website that our photographer has been uploading them to. I cannot wait to see them! Once we get them, we'll be able to pick our favorite picture of Sophia and send it along to BWD so they can add her picture as well.

Life has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumpy roads... but it is times like these that show me there are still some good people left in this world. Many of them, I like to call friends. You are all just so wonderful. I don't know what I would do without you.

I also want to thank those of you who have commented on my last post. I'm glad to know that everything I am feeling is all normal. I question myself all the time. There is this burning deep down inside me that wants answers as to why everything happened the way it did. Questions that I will probably never know the answers to. And for now, I think I am okay with that simply because I know that time will reveal all.

Seeing as how today is Sophia's 1 month Angelversary... we went outside today to release a few balloons for her. This time, it was different. Angel picked up the balloons that you tie the big rubber band on and then kiddos can kinda bop it around with their fists... I'm not sure what they are called but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. He had them blown up with helium and brought them home for all of us to add our own special messages. Like the kids say, I wrote a book haha! Thank God for these big balloons. It was nice to see them floating up to the Heavens. As I sat on my porch steps and watched the balloons float away, it looked like they were all being pulled in a certain direction. So I sat there and told myself, "See, Sophia isn't far at all. She's just a few blocks away... look straight up and there she is." Call it strange but it seemed to comfort me in a way.

As I've said, life has been rather difficult since losing Sophia. But Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, and Javier show me every day that life is worth living. They never forget about their baby sister. Several times we have sat down to talk with Javier, seeing as how he is only 4 years old and doesn't seem to understand much of what has happened. We asked him if he knows where "Sissy Sophia" is. And he'll say, "Yea, her in Heaven with God." So that right there goes to show just how much he does understand. I can also tell that he misses her, just by the little things he does. While I was still pregnant with Sophia, he used to hug and kiss my belly several times a day and say, "I love you Sophia!" And now, one month later, he's still doing it. But he catches himself when he goes to say I love you. He has asked if I will have another baby. At this time, the idea of that is up in the air. We're not too sure. I have A LOT to talk to the doctors about and they just seem to keep rescheduling my appointment with no real reason. My primary OB has made me feel more like a disease then a patient. I'd much rather go back to Geisinger and see those doctors rather then the doctors at the Geisinger clinics. They just make my skin crawl and make me wanna scream til I lose my voice.

Ugh, I wish I had a camera to take pictures of the balloon release today. It wasn't very many, but to me, it was amazing. The kiddos loved the idea of writing their own messages to her this time. I'm sure it made them feel all warm inside, as it did for me.

I'm hoping to be able to go visit with Sophia again soon. I never realized how hard it is to walk 2 miles with 4 kids. And going uphill in the heat, not easy! But if I have to do it that way again, so be it. I just miss her so much. Everytime we go to visit her, I swear, I have a smile that goes from ear to ear. When we visit with her, I feel happy. We're all sitting together, as a family, and just engaging in conversation and including Sophia in those conversations. It's when it comes time to leave, I have a hard time. I'm finally able to control my tears for the most part (even though a few still escape here and there). But leaving her feels like I've just been punched right in the gut. There are times when I just want to run away and disappear. Disappear to Sophia's resting place.


  1. I have definitely thought before "Carleigh wouldn't want me to be sad" and that helps me to pick up and move forward.

    What an amazing amount raised so far!!

  2. Be patient with yourself... you are doing great. remember that Jesus wept too - God understands our feelings because he felt them too. It's ok to be sad. I think of your family every day and am planning on donating towards her stone soon.
    love you,