Saturday, June 25, 2011

Rainy Days

All day long I have noticed that we may end up getting some rain. It did shower for awhile but then it stopped. I was thankful for that because we had made plans to go visit Sophia. I didn't want to miss out on seeing her. Or should I say visiting with her. I haven't been able to make it to the cemetery since Father's Day. I've been feeling really guilty for not being able to go at all this week.

So, we went to my parents house for a little family picnic. Honestly, I didn't feel like going. I hate going anywhere, unless it has to do with Sophia. If someone were to say, "Hey Tab, let's go visit with Sophia." or "Hey Tab, can you show me where Sophia is at?" I would jump right then and there. But if someone were to say, "Hey Tab, let's go out and do something fun." chances are, I would turn you down. But, I sucked it up and went anyway. Only because my dad had mentioned about going to visit with Sophia. That was a big deal to me. My parents haven't been able to get to the cemetery since Sophia was buried (June 6th). We all headed over to their house, ate some food, followed by lots of talking. Angel had noticed that the sky was starting to get dark again and a breeze had kicked up. So, I asked my parents if they were ready. Me, I couldn't wait! I was excited to get back to visiting my girl and just hanging out there. Within a few minutes, we were all packed up in the van and headed to St. Edward's Cemetery.

For some reason or another, every time I make it to Sophia's grave, I feel a heaviness lifted off of me. Like this is the place where I am SUPPOSED to be. Of course I'm supposed to be there. My daughter is there. She has been there for almost 3 weeks. How I wish I could've spent those 3 weeks with her. While we were all up there and engaging in conversation, the breeze had picked up again and there was no sign of the sun. I try to tell myself, "The rain is good. We need this rain to help the new grass to grow on Sophia's grave." But every time it rains, I panic. Automatically I start thinking that all the heavy rain will have an effect on the ground. I get scared that the next time I go to the cemetery, her grave will be sunken in. I also start thinking that all this rain is getting down into the ground and that it is soaking her. Some say I'm an "over-thinker". Maybe I am. I just worry about her. I worry about her all the time.

I still have nights where I just lay there and cry myself to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. This time, Angel was still awake when the tears had started to flow. He asked me what was wrong, and I just looked at him. He held me close and told me that he misses her too. I believe that he does. I'm sure we're both on the same level when it comes to how much we love and miss her. After a little while, he noticed that I was still crying and had asked me what I was thinking. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I just layed there crying, wishing I still had Sophia here with us. It has been 25 days since we lost her. 25 days that I should've been carrying her. 25 days old. God, how I wish I could be spending those 25 days with her, here at home, snuggled in my arms. But I guess life throws new things in our directions. Things we never think will happen to us.

I'm not too sure how I'm even surviving all this hurt, pain, and heartache. But, I'm still here. I do believe that God has carried me this far. And I'm sure He will continue to carry me throughout the rest of my life. He knows just how much I need Him.

I wish I knew what my precious angel was doing right now. I wish I could hear her first words. I wish I could hear her first laugh, or watch her as she learns to hold her head up on her own. I wish I could watch her as she starts to crawl for the first time. I wish I could watch her take her first steps. For crying out loud, I wish I could have fed her. Atleast just once! Having Sophia with us for as long as we did and not having the opportunity to feed her made me feel horrible. I felt as if I was starving her. Somewhere deep down, I knew I wasn't. But it's just one of those feelings you get.

I'm starting to feel worse as the days go on. Noone knows but me. I feel like a bad mother every time I leave Sophia behind in the cemetery. I shouldn't be leaving her behind. I shouldn't be leaving her alone in that dark, dark place. Sometimes I wonder if she is crying out for me. Crying because she is cold and just wants to be nestled in Mommy's arms. These feelings are all so new to me. Am I wrong to be having all these feelings? Or are they perfectly normal? I wish I knew!

I also feel like a bad mother because I have yet to get a headstone for her. I thought we would have plenty of time to save up the money for it. But, unfortunately, our time was cut short. Sophia wasn't due to make an appearance until mid-July. Instead, she decided to come along on May 31st. We don't have anywhere near enough money saved to pay for the headstone we want for her. It's absolutely gorgeous. I'm sure Sophia would love it.

Thanks to an amazing woman named Maryann, we now have the help we need! An organization called Buried With Dignity has reached out to us and is accepting donations to cover the cost of Sophia's headstone. I'm sure it may take some time (hopefully not a whole lot) to raise the funds. But with the help of all of my readers, I believe we can do this together. No matter how large or small the donation, every little bit helps. And if we're able to go on and tell all of our friends about what they are doing for us, we may be able to reach our goal in no time! Special thanks to Maryann and all of those from Buried With Dignity. Without you, I don't know what we would do!

Wouldn't Sophia's grave look much more beautiful with a headstone?

I have been told within the last 25 days that I'll eventually have good days. I wonder when that will be. Every time I think I will have a good day, I start to feel guilty about being happy. How can I be happy when I have lost a child? My baby! I'm sure she would love to be able to look down on us and see that we're happy. But truth is, I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly happy again. When it comes to my kids, Sophia included, that is what makes me the happiest. Having the family that I have makes me happy. Other then that, there is nothing that could ever come close. My life has been changed forever. Take me as I am! I cannot change who I am. I am a grieving mother. I am a mother who has lost part of her heart the day I lost my daughter. Life as I know it has changed forever!

What does this mean for Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, & Javier? They all know they have a baby sister. A baby sister by the name of Sophia Grace. But what happens when their memories of her start to fade? What can I do to prevent that from happening? As a family, we talk about Sophia millions of times a day. We have her pictures all over the house. We go to visit Sophia together. But honestly, what more can I do? I want to keep her memory alive... forever!

I refuse to part with anything that belongs to Sophia, crib included (which is still in the box). Hopefully, when my time is up on this Earth, I can pass her belongings on to one of her siblings. I'm sure they will cherish them just as much as I do. Some people may think that I am being selfish with not wanting to part with her things. We have already had a girl ask us for Sophia's things because she doesn't have anything for her baby. I feel really bad for her, but I just can't give away something that belonged to someone as precious as my baby. These are all things that I treasure. Things that remind me of her, even though she never had the chance to sleep in her crib, or be changed on her changing table. Even her bottles, bibs, and crib set hold meaning behind them. She never had the chance to use them... but they were HERS! That's what makes them so special.


  1. All the feelings you are feeling are completely normal. You won't feel them forever it just feels like you will! But take your time in grief and don't rush. Feeling your grief when it comes will help your heart heal better in the long run.

    That's great the organization is gonna help with her headstone!!

  2. Anonymous said...first, you are just 3 short weeks out from losing your daughter... you are doing great! Don't feel guilty about ANYTHING! You NEED to take your time to grieve... and I know that feeling that rips your heart out as you drive away from her grave. That part has gotten easier, but it took 7 months to get here. give yourself some time. I know the fear about water...all of it, eveything you said, I can relate. This is just so hard. Hang in there sweet Mama, Sophia is proud to have you! Oh, and don't feel bad about a headstone! Rachel is still without hers and this week will be 7 months! I will make a donation soon... can you email me and tell me how far off you are?

    love, Stacy

  3. I just stopped by to say that I donated towards Sophia's headstone and I'm going to share it on my blog with my next post as well. I know this is a difficult time for you right now and I hope this small gesture helps in some way.