and counting since we've had to say good-bye before ever having a chance to say hello. Why isn't there some type of manual to explain all these feelings I have been having? I've been told it's completely normal to feel the way I do. But most of these feelings, I've never had before.
3 weeks have passed since I had the chance to hold my baby girl in my arms and tell her just how much I love her. Life since losing our precious girl has not been easy for me. I thought that I had one of the best support systems in the world. I had so many people telling me that they would be here for us throughout this difficult time. 3 weeks have gone by... where are they? Have they all disappeared? Or are they afraid to come near us?
I have this urgent need inside of me to talk about Sophia. But it seems like noone wants to listen. Everytime I start talking about her, people try to change the subject or it seems like they're just not listening at all. Maybe they're afraid that they might say something that will hurt me in some way? I wish I knew!
Most people only shared our grief for one day. I've been living in this grief for 4 months. On May 30th, that grief only became much deeper. I wish people knew that I HAVE to talk about Sophia. I NEED people to listen. Yes, I may be able to come here and write about her and have many people reading what I have to say. But it just isn't the same as speaking the words. I've been bottling up my emotions for the last week or so now. I'm told, "Tab, you can't do that. You have to let your feelings out." or better yet, I get told, "Don't cry anymore. She's in a better place now." That very well may be. But it's not the same as having my girl here.
As parents, we believe that the best place for our children is with their parents. This way, we can see them every day. We can watch them grow. We can play with them. We can show them just how much we love them and care about them. And we can try our very best to protect them from harm. When we lose a child, we lose part of ourselves. We lose our future. We're stuck living with the guilt that maybe we could've done something to prevent such a bad thing from happening to our child.
But where do you turn to when we're told that there's nothing we could've done to prevent such a horrible thing from happening? What do we do when we're told that it "just happens"? What are we supposed to do when we aren't given any answers?
I've moved on past the shock & denial stage of my grief. I'm sitting between guilt & reality. I know Sophia is gone, and that hurts me deeply. I've been blaming myself for everything that has happened to Sophia. I blame myself for her having anencephaly. I blame myself for losing her so early, all because I was too stubborn to go to the hospital when I became sick. I blame myself for the hurt that I see on the faces of my children. I blame myself for everything. But then I question myself, "What could I do to change these things?" and the answer is always the same... "Nothing."
I've been told to surround myself with things that make me happy. Those things are my family! Sophia included. So that means many, many trips to the cemetery to visit with her. But yet when I go there, I get upset. I get upset because reality hits. My daughter is gone. She's buried right there. She still doesn't have a headstone. The only thing there to let people know that it's her is a small brown marker that has her name on it. Not to mention, bunches of colorful flowers. I get upset when I have to leave. I feel as if I am leaving her all alone. My baby should be with me!!
While I'm home, I swear I hear one of the kids calling out, "Mommy!" but when I say "What do you want?" they all tell me that none of them called me. I don't know why I would think it's the voice of Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, or Javier. It sounds like a very unfamiliar voice. I've asked Angel if he heard it. He says no. Am I hearing things? Or could this be Sophia's way of reaching out to me?
I'm not quite sure how I've made it through these last 3 weeks. I feel as if my life is on pause. There are times that it feels as if it has been an eternity since I lost her but at the same time it feels like only yesterday. These are all new feelings to me. How can it feel like an eternity yet only yesterday, all at the same time? It's rather confusing.
What I wouldn't do to be able to hold her in my arms again and tell her just how much I love her. Tell her that I would do anything for her. And also to tell her just how much we all miss her.
I'm sorry if this post seems to be all over the place, I just had to get some of what I'm feeling out of my system.
I'm hoping to add more pictures of Sophia very soon. But for some reason, Blogger will not upload my pics :(
Soon enough though!
Sophia Grace, you're 3 weeks old today! I'm not sure where all the time has gone, but know that I will always love you. You will never be forgotten. Here at home, we talk about you several times every day. Your sister & brothers miss you very much. They always talk about you or ask questions about you. Daddy loves & misses you too. He's been having a difficult time expressing his emotions, but I guess that's all part of being a man. Just know that all of us in our little family love you and miss you so very much. Words can't even begin to explain just how much.
Fly high above the clouds, my precious angel. <3