Thursday, July 28, 2011

Due date

Today is our due date! I can't believe it's officially here. I'm not sure how to express my feelings today. I'm just a big ball of emotions. I'm not sure if I should be angry, sad, at peace, etc. But I can tell you, I feel so many emotions all at once right now. This journey so far has been full of tears, pain, sorrow, grief, smiles, some laughs, and triumph. Me, no I do not feel triumphant. That part belongs to Sophia. She has been triumphant in the sense that she is no longer laying in that cold, dark grave. She is laying in the arms of Jesus. She gets to live an eternal life with Him. How great is that!? It's something we all dream of, living in a perfect world without hurt, without pain, without illness. And she has that! Her and all her angel friends...

Aiyana & Bobbi Lynn
And those are just to name a few! She is one lucky girl to have so many beautiful friends. She also has one very special friend here on Earth... Katie Santasieri. I like to think that all these babies are watching over Katie. She has been such a blessing to her family & all their friends. She is one beautiful little girl!

I trust that Sophia will be at God's side on Monday morning, watching over her 2 1/2 year old cousin, Isaiah. My handsome little nephew will be undergoing brain surgery. I wish I could be there with our family... but I have so much going on and no transportation. He's such a strong little man. He may not be strong on the outside right now, but he has one of the strongest hearts I have ever seen. I know that God & Sophia will not let anything bad happen to him. Speaking of Isaiah, I have started a blog for him, to follow his journey with Chiari Malformation. Feel free to follow him Through The Eyes Of Isaiah.

Saturday is the big day! Sophia's Carwash For A Cause! I'm so excited. I really hope this will tie up all the loose ends and we'll be able to order Sophia's headstone by Mid-August. If not sooner. I'm excited to see who will all be there. I haven't seen very many of my friends since losing Sophia. I've basically secluded myself and only spend time with a select few people. I'm thinking that if it's a big hit, we may very well end up doing this every year & then donating the money to Anencephaly research. I think that would be another great way to keep Sophia alive.

I know that some of you are aware that I haven't been able to make it out to visit Sophia at the cemetery in about a month. I have been finding it unbelieveably hard to function to a full 100%. And I have been feeling very guilty for not being able to visit with her. After her funeral, I was going to visit with her every other day. Then it became every other 2 days. Then once a week. Then nothing at all. That kills me! It bothered me so much and had made me feel so guilty, that 2 friends of mine had agreed to take a walk with me one night to go visit with her. It's much cooler at night. No one is supposed to enter the cemetery after dark... but I just couldn't help it. I was hurting. I had to make sure her marker was still there. I had to make sure her flowers weren't knocked over. And I had to check and see if her grass was growing yet. I figured that if we got caught, I would just explain to whoever it was that I'm a grieving mother who has been overcome with guilt that I just had to visit her to put myself at ease. Needless to say, we weren't caught. We were very quiet and respectful, as always. We didn't stay long (we all had a weird eerie feeling while we were there). I'm happy to report that Sophia's grass is growing nicely in some spots. Other spots are still dried out and dead, but not like it was the last time I was there. Her marker is still there along with all of her flowers.

We wanted to go visit her today... what better day to do it then on her due date... as a family! Unfortunately, the weather kept us at home. I'm sure she understands. It's not much fun tracking all the kids to the cemetery on foot. We have quite a bit of flat land, but to reach Sophia, we have to walk up several steep hills. Mercedes & Javier are known to poke around when it comes to walking. I would much rather walk at a decent pace so I can get there faster. Hopefully we'll all be able to make a trip to the cemetery after the carwash. Not just as a family, but as a group of people who love & care about Sophia. Our helpers do not know about that plan just yet. But they aren't expected to drop everything and come along, but I figured an invitation would be nice. Maybe then more people would understand why we are working so hard on raising the money needed for Sophia's headstone. She deserves it!


  1. I remember reaching Rachel's due date too.. It was Christmas day and it was hard for me. May God's peace continue to surround you and I'll pray for your carwash!


  2. I've felt guilty before for not visiting as often. I used to visit several times a week, then once a week, then a couple times a month, and so on. And it's not that I don't wanna visit but that life gets busy. That's when I wish she was closer to me so it would be easier to pick up and go.