Tears that won't stop

I feel as if I've been neglecting Sophia's blog. I used to be so good with updating as often as I could. But so much has gotten in the way of that. My life has officially been turned upside down. I've been wanting to write this blog now for the last couple days and I just haven't been able to find the words, so please bare with me if things seem out of place.

Our journey on the other side has begun...

Sophia Grace Velazquez was born sleeping on May 31st, 2011 at 12:21am. She weighed 2 pounds 3 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. My little peanut. God, I miss her so much... I can't even begin to put into words just how much. She has really touched the hearts of many lives within a very short time. I feel so blessed to be able to call myself her Momma.

Now let me get on to exactly what happened that brought our pregnancy to a stop, so to speak.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I found myself to be very sick and not feeling well. It all started on Friday. I was feeling a bit nauseous and running a bit of a fever. First step, take some Tylenol! And I did. It seemed to have helped, so we made our way out for our local Memorial Day Parade. The kids had such a great time. But I found it to be very hard to walk that far. I couldn't wait to get home! Saturday comes, I'm feeling a bit worse. I started throwing up and was running a fever again. My first thought was that maybe I was dehydrated. So I started pounding down the water, took some more Tylenol and laid down for a nap while Angel took the kids down to the Heritage Festival, which they also loved. I spent most of my day laying around with a heavy head, feeling sick to my stomach, and with what I had thought were Braxton-Hicks contractions. I'll get to that later. I continued to pound down the water, just in case. I made my way to bed early, but found it hard to sleep. I was feeling very short of breath. Sunday came along, I felt the same way all day. Threw up several times, continued with the water, Tylenol, and plenty of rest. Noone did much of anything then. We made our way into Monday. I thought that I was feeling slightly better. But to be on the safe side, I told Angel I wanted to squeeze in a nap before we tried to fire up the grill, after all, it was Memorial Day. About 10 minutes later, I found myself rushing to the kitchen to throw up some more. I'm sure you all don't want to know about that, but it's part of the story. The kids ran to get their Dad. This time around, they were scared. I'm still not sure why. But he came in and asked me if I was okay and my usual response would've been "Yes, I'm fine. I just have to get this out and lay back down." But instead, my answer was "No." He asked what was wrong and I simply said, "We have a problem." He asked what it was and all I had to do was look down and his eyes followed. There I was, standing in a puddle of water. I tried to play it off as if I had possibly peed myself (which I knew wasn't the case) because I knew what his next words would be... and I was right. "That's it! I'm not taking no for an answer, you're going to the hospital! This is enough!" I knew he meant business and I didn't bother to try to change his mind. I told him that I needed to hop in the shower to quickly freshen up. Meanwhile, he was on the phone right away to my brother to have him come sit with my 2 younger kids, Jordan & Javier. Thankfully my older 2, Mercedes & Junior, were spending time with Grandma for the day. Next call, to one of my best friends. By the time I was out of the shower, dressed. and making my way downstairs, they were all here. By this time, I felt as if I was running out of air... so I knew it was time to go. I didn't wanna leave my boys! But I knew I had to, just to be safe. We piled into the truck, just the 3 of us, and made our way to the hospital, which is about a half hour or so away. On our way, my friend called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and what was going on. They said they would be ready for us, and they were. It felt like we made it there within about 10 minutes, but I'm sure it was a little longer then that. They took me straight into an exam room. Did the usual. Got myself into a gown, peed in the cup, and laid in the bed awaiting my IV (which I HATE might I add). A nurse came in to check my temp... 103.6! No joke. I couldn't believe it was that high, no wonder why I felt like I was on fire. Next step, they hooked a monitor up to me to keep track of these crazy "Braxton-Hicks". I just sat there watching the thing climb higher and higher on the paper. They had attempted to put on the other monitor that tracks her heartbeat, but they didn't... still not sure why. But when she laid it on my stomach for a minute, it read 152. I thought to myself, "Well, that's good for Sophia so I'm happy." IV time.... yuck! But I knew it was needed to help bring down the fever. Then to doctor came in to check and see if I was dilating. She told me I wasn't... which was a relief. She took a few swabs and went to look under her microscope. The 3 of us just kinda sat there waiting. I kept telling myself, "I knew it, pump me full of fluids and send me home." After a few minutes, she came back over and hooked up the ultrasound machine. Oh how I loved these. It gave me a chance to see Sophia kicking and moving around. This time, it was hard to see anything. I'm not sure if it was because the quality was so poor compared to the ones in MFM or because the light was on. But I just laid back and let her do her thing. Angel watched and pointed out Sophia's arm and leg. It felt like 20 minutes had gone by. I knew she was looking for something, but what? She told me there was alot of fluid. That was nothing new. And then a few minutes later, she turned around and said "I can't find a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." Immediately, I broke into tears. I grabbed ahold of Angel and cried uncontrollably. She said she was going to get another doctor to come in and take a look to see if he could find it. They were back within a couple minutes. He started scanning... about 5 minutes later, he agreed with the first doctor and apologized. Life as I knew it was over. I felt robbed! I wanted to scream like the woman across the hall was. But I tried to calm myself down because I knew it was now crunch time. We had to get a plan into place. And I had to calm down, because I was starting to have difficulty breathing because I was that worked up. I asked the doctor what their plans were, and she said I had to be treated for an infection, which they weren't sure where it was located, but that they had to deliver Sophia first. I knew that was coming! I was scared out of my mind. So, first thing out of my mouth was that I had to get my parents there, and quickly. I also wanted my kids to be there, but it was getting late and I didn't want them carrying on in Labor and Delivery, so Angel talked with my brother and he had agreed to watch the boys over night. Thank God for family!!! I was given some Tylenol for the fever. That is when I was told that these "Braxton-Hicks" were actually the real deal. No wonder why I was so uncomfortable the last couple days! Then the nurse also told me that when she was looking to put on the heart monitor for Sophia, she couldn't find her heart beat but didn't want to say anything until the doctors could prove otherwise. She said the 152 I had seen on the little monitor was indeed my heart beat. 152 for me? Not good!!! The doctors and nurses left the room to give us a few minutes alone. Sharyl, one of my best friends since childhood, ran to the nurses station for a pen and paper. She came back and I gave her the number to reach my parents at work. I was hoping she'd be able to catch them before they left. And I also gave her the number to call our priest and fill him in on what was going on. Thank God for best friends! She was able to reach my parents at work. She told them to stay put because she was on her way and had to explain something to them. She didn't feel as if it would be proper to explain such a thing over the phone. I completely agreed! The nurse came back into the room and showed us to our room. I couldn't want to be out of the exam room. We kept hearing the worman across the hall screaming in pain. We were told that she was about to deliver. I really wanted to be as far away from her as I could be because I know I wouldn't have been able to bare hearing a baby cry at this point. Loved my new room! It was at the very end of the hall, away from everyone else but right next to the NICU doors. The time was coming quick. They came in to do some more blood work. Ugh, how I hate needles. So, while we waited on my parents to arrive and wait for Sharyl to return, I decided to grab Angel's cell and update my Facebook status. I figured it would be the easiest way of letting everyone know what was going on rather then calling everyone and having to repeat myself a million times. Which reminds me, he had really poor service in there. Big bummer! But within minutes of updating my status, my room phone started ringing off the hook. Many condolences were sent. Some people told me they were on their way. And a call from my sister. She reminded me that I didn't have a camera! I wasn't even thinking that I was going to need one when I left the house. It would've been hard to find one anyway, seeing as how mine crapped out on me about a week or so earlier. She got to work asking people on Facebook to please bring me a camera and she'd pay them back. She even called the nurses station to see if they could take her credit card number and run to the gift shop and grab one for me. Somehow or another, I ended up with a camera. Thank you!!! Before long, my parents showed up. Shortly after, Sharyl was back. Or was it the other way around? I can't remember! Soon after, an old friend from school came by. Turns out, he was there earlier with a camera but was told that I already had one. The nurses said he could come back to my room to see me, but he didn't want to intrude. When I found out, my sister had called back again and I told her how bummed out I was that he didn't come back to see us. She told him via Facebook and before long, he was back and sitting in my room :) A little while later, 2 more friends showed up. I was greeted with big hugs and apologies. And soon after, 1 more friend showed up with food! Everyone was so thankful of her. I knew I had to have her there. She had lost a baby several years ago, but to something completely different, which I won't get into without her permission. I looked at the clock and I told Angel, "Well, I guess noone else is coming so I'm ready whenever they are." The anesthesiologist came in, explained some things to me, ha me sign a paper and said he would be back within an hour. He was right! That hour seemed to go by so fast. The nurses were coming in with their booties and hairnets and masks on. I knew it was time. I was scared! I started to cry, very openly, which is unlike me. Everyone gave me hugs and told me they would be waiting to meet Sophia after surgery. I was happy to know that these people actually wanted to stick around to meet her. They were already there for me, but I wanted someone there for Sophia too. Angel was handed his gown and told they would come to get him as soon as they were ready. Honestly, I didn't want to go alone. I didn't know these people! But I sucked it up. They wheeled me out and I cried the whole way to the OR.  They got me in, scooted me over onto the table. Within a couple minutes, the anesthesiologist was ready. I was prepared. Heck, I'm a pro and putting my back out for these needles in the spine. The medicine seemed to take affect right away. The nurse helped me swing my legs back onto the table. After they did a check to make sure I was completely numb, they put up the drape. I knew the time was coming and rather quickly. I started shaking. I couldn't stop it. The nurse had asked me if I was cold and I said no, which I wasn't. I told her I was just very scared. They grabbed 2 warm blankets anyway and wrapped them around my head while another nurse ran out to get Angel. Finally, some relief! I needed him with me. I needed someone to talk me through this and who knew exactly how I was feeling. I could see in his eyes that he was scared and nervous, just as I was. I started feeling some tugging. I looked at Angel and told him, "I'm pretty sure they're about to get her now." Right after I said that, we heard a large gush. Well, there went all that extra fluid that I've been carrying the last couple weeks. Mind you, this was my 5th c-section. Out of all of them, I never heard that sound before. You could hear it hit the floor and kinda drip off the table. Some more tugging and boom, there she was! A beautiful, precious baby girl. Our baby girl. Sophia Grace was actually here. Obviously not in spirit, but in body. Angel immediately went over to her little table and started taking pictures. After that, he was cleaning her up, putting her little hat on, and swaddling her before bringing her over for me to see. I just couldn't bare to see her until she was wearing her hat. I guess you could say I was afraid to look. Not because I thought it would make her look worse or whatever, but because it would make me think of how much pain she would've been in had she been born alive. I know, the doctors say anencephalic babies don't feel pain, but my mind tells me different. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She actually had her eyes open! Gorgeous blue eyes! I fell in love right away. They let one of my arms loose so I could partially hold her. Tears flowing again. How I couldn't wait to be able to hold her. The doctors stuck by what they said and allowed Angel to stay in the room with me the rest of the time. I was happy for that. I didn't want to be left alone with strangers again. Don't get me wrong, these nurses and doctors were very sweet and sympathetic. But sometimes, you just need your better half :) Before I knew it, I was being moved back on to my bed. I don't remember being wheeled back to my room. I don't remember if everyone was still in my room waiting or if they came back when they heard I was out of surgery. I may have dozed off for a bit and I just don't remember doing it. But what I do remember is everyone being in awe over Sophia. I remember seeing some taking pictures. Everyone was crowded around Angel and Sophia. I let them go. I knew I would get my time with her very soon. After all, it was after 1am and I knew they would all be leaving soon and I was sure most of them, except my parents, wouldn't be coming back. And I was right, within a few minutes, everyone started clearing out. Lots of tears. Lots of hugs. And of course, goodbyes and being told just how beautiful Sophia is. I knew this. No matter what problem Sophia had, I always knew she would be beautiful. After everyone left, I finally had my chance to hold her. I just wanted to squeeze her so tight. But I didn't. I held her for quite some time and just kept telling her how much I love her and how sorry I was that things had to happen this way. One of the nurses headed out to call for the chaplain. He was such a nice man. He listened to us through the tears. He offered some kind words, that I unfortunately can't remember. He excused himself and said he would be back after asking us if we would like for her to be baptized. Daddy, Mommy, and Sophia time! We couldn't believe that the time was here already where we got to see her precious face and hold her close to us and tell her we love her and kiss on her. It was a bittersweet time. The chaplain came back, baptized her, prayed over us, and was gone shortly after. More time for us! It was pretty late though, I would say it was roughly 5am. We were some very tired parents! So we decided we would turn in for the night knowing the docs would be in bright and early in the morning. Their rounds are usually around 6:30 every morning. We had decided we were going to try to keep Sophia in the room with us for the night. Well, after waking up several times within minutes apart, thinking Sophia was crying, I had finally asked Angel if he could have one of the nurses take her for a bit so we could try to get some sleep. Even then, sleep didn't come easy. My mind just kept racing in a million different directions. I don't think I could process everything that was going on. Nurses came in and out all night to keep the antibiotics flowing and checking my blood pressure, the whole nine. Later that morning, our NILMDTS photographer showed up. This was a time I was waiting for. We had asked her if she could take some pictures of just the 3 of us before the kids got there. And she did. She is such an amazing woman. I loved the work she did for us on our pregnancy shoot. And I already couldn't wait to see what these ones would look like. Well, I was a mess! I didn't realize it but when I got in the shower before heading to the hospital, I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. And when I noticed it, it was already too late. My wonderful social worker from the hospital washed my hair for me. I owe her so much! After washing my hair for me, she threw it into a quick french braid. Loved it! And I didn't even look in the mirror. Kathy, our photographer, started off by taking pictures of just Angel and Sophia. You could tell just how much he loves his baby girl. Daddy's little girl :) Next, Sophia was in my arms in the rocking chair. I was just admiring her beautiful face and stroking her cheek and noticed Kathy taking pictures. Angel popped over just as my eyes were filling up with tears and asked if I was okay. I was hurting too much to answer. Here I was, holding my baby, knowing I wouldn't be able to for much longer.

She took several pictures. We didn't get them all back yet, just a few to display at Sophia's service. This is the one I was talking about. After a few minutes, we decided we wanted a few pictures of Sophia by herself. When Angel took her from me, I actually fell asleep in the rocking chair! Once he noticed, he helped me out of the chair and put me in bed. I do not remember ever falling asleep. But when I woke up, everyone was gone. I was back to feeling scared all over again. As I was about to ring for one of the nurses to track Angel down, he came walking back into the room. What a relief! That was short lived because I got scared again thinking that since I fell asleep, the pictures were over and Kathy left to go home. I explained this to Angel. He kinda giggled at me and said no, that they were still there, they just wanted to give me time to rest. Thank God! At the same time, he told me my parents had made it to the hospital with the kids and that they were eating in the cafeteria and then they would be up to see me and to meet their new baby sister. Well, I had Angel ask one of the nurses if they could take Sophia for a few minutes so we could explain to them what they would be expected to see and what had happened. They gladly took her and within a few minutes, here came the kids!. I was so happy to see them. I gave them all lots of hugs and kisses. In walked my brother. My brother! I wasn't expecting to see him there. I figured it would all be too much for him, but he still came to see me and Sophia. I glanced over towards the couch to see my awesome social worker already explaining things to the kids for me. They seemed to understand and when we made it to that point, we asked for Sophia to be brought back in. Almost instantly, they all started to love on their new baby sister. All the while, Kathy is in the background snapping pictures of this time they were spending with their sister and bonding with her. I thank God daily for Kathy and the NILMDTS organization. Noone else would've been able to capture what she was. After a little while, it was Nanny and Pappy's turn for some pictures with their new granddaughter. Through tears, they were able to do it and make some memories at the same time. We had tried to get my brother to hold Sophia and get some pictures too but he said that was just a little too much for him so he got up and stood behind my parents for a quick picture or two. And then it was back to taking more pictures of the kids with Sophia. I want them to be able to remember her in some way, even when they're 50 years old! I'm sure pictures will help with that. Mercedes & Junior shed many tears during this time. And of course Mercedes reminded me of how unfair it was that God wouldn't let us keep her only sister. But I explained to her that just because her sister is now in heaven doesn't mean she doesn't have a sister. I told her she has an extra special sister now who she can talk to whenever she wants and she doesn't have to worry about telling anyone what they talk about. It'll be her own little secret conversations :) That seemed to help calm her down. And of course, Junior expressed how unfair it was that she wasn't allowed to stay. I explained the same to him. It seemed like emotions were really starting to take it's toll. I kept myself together and strong as much as I could. Not for myself, but for my kids, Sophia included. Around this time, Kathy ended our session and thanked us for allowing her to be a part of Sophia's life here with us. She truly is amazing. Thank you just isn't enough. I almost feel as if I owe this woman my life! We had the nurse take Sophia again for a little while so we could tend to the needs of the other kids and to get them to calm down. Not to mention, I was one tired momma! We finally got everyone to calm down. I thought maybe I would be able to get a cat nap in while I put cartoons on the tv for the kids. It didn't happen. They all wanted to spend time with me and ask me questions about how I was feeling and if it hurt to have Sophia. Just lots of questions. I answered them all the best way I could. Before long, they all seemed to be getting pretty hyper and wanting to run around. It was a bit much for 2 tired parents. Angel and I talked alone off to the side for a minute and decided that we might as well have them head home. It had been a long day and we needed some rest, and so did the kids. So we told them and got them prepared to leave. But I wouldn't let them go home without seeing Sophia one more time. They loved on her some more. And about an hour or so later, everyone left. Just in time too because my fever was spiking yet again. How I couldn't wait for all that to be over!! The kids were sure to call me once they made it to Grandma's house. They all wanted to tell me how much they loved me and couldn't wait for me to get home the next day. And how much they really love their little sister and how cute she is. I wished them all a goodnight, told them I love them very much, and we hung up. Just as Angel and I were about to turn in for another night of restless sleep, his brother came. Bearing food!! Unfortunately, nothing I could eat. Everything just seemed to turn my stomach and make me sick, even jello. I knew I was in bad shape. He stayed for awhile and took in as much as he could of his newest niece. Thankfully, he didn't stay long. When he left, we went right to sleep. I was hoping to hear good news Wednesday morning and be told I was able to go home. But, I wasn't given that news. I was told I had to stay for another day due to spiking that fever. They were still unsure where this infection was located, but thought it may have been in my uterus. We're still not sure, even now. So Wednesday, we didn't have any visitors, other then our social worker and hospital chaplain. We needed a day to just rest and hope that I could get to feeling better so I could go home the next day. We had the nurse bring Sophia back to our room as soon as we woke up, but after breakfast. We both held her and loved on her. But we had noticed some changes in her color, along with other things. We spent a few hours with her and then decided that she needed to be in the morgue and kept cool. I was feeling very selfish for keeping her with us for so long that it was starting to take a toll on her little body. And we didn't want things to be any harder for the funeral directors then it would have to be. It was very hard having to say our goodbyes and handing her over to the nurse. I bawled when she walked out of the room with her. I cried so much that my chest started hurting and I started feeling very weak and dizzy. I also started feeling very hot. I knew that was a sign of another fever spike, so I tried my best to calm down because I hadn't had a spike in my fever all day. They said as long as it stayed down for 24 hours, I would be able to go home the following day. Angel made the call to the funeral home to let them know she was ready to be picked up. That was so hard on both of us. All of this has been hard. So the rest of the day we just cuddled together, cried together, and talked about Sophia a whole lot. I found myself in the rocking chair later, staring out the window at the sky and saying, "I know you're up there somewhere. Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you very very much and we miss you with all our hearts." Before you know it, it was night time and we were ready for bed. But at this point, I was starting to feel some pain from my c-section. I asked for something for the pain, first time in all the days I was there. And asked if I could have something for sleep, because I just wasn't getting enough. Well, the pain pill was enough to take the pain away and put me to sleep for awhile. But I was awake again by 4am. I didn't bother to ask for the sleep aid because I knew I would be waking up a couple hours later to the doc and I wanted to ask her if I was able to go home. That time came and she said yes! I was so happy that I'd be able to go home and be with my kids. At this point, I needed them more then anything. They gave me one last dose of antibiotic and we were on our way. Our first stop when we made it back to town was to drop off my prescriptions and to put our pictures in to be developed. Then it was off to talk with the funeral director. I knew it was going to be a hard thing to do but I didn't think it would be so hard to keep myself together. I had tears in my eyes multiple times. After we got everything squared away, he showed us her casket. We didn't know it had finally come. It was beautiful! Pure white. Inside it was baby pink and very soft. I knew she would sleep comfortably. We forgot to bring a few things to him that we wanted put in her casket with her. So we got those things together, along with 1 thing from each of the kids and her outfit and hat from Mystie. Angel ran it down to him the next day and while he was there, he had to go over the death certificate information. It just seems so unfair to have to go over that rather then fill out the papers for a birth certificate. But he did it and has been trying his best to remain strong but has had his breakdowns, just as I have.

Fast forward to the now....
Everything still feels very raw. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions. My heart continues to break multiple times a day. I cry quite a bit but find it hardest in the morning and at night. I've been keeping myself rather busy during the day. But I'm always thinking of my girl. I wish things could be different. I wish I could be sitting here updating everyone on the new week we have with her. But instead, it has been about her birth and everything that goes along with it. Monday is the big day. Her funeral. I do not feel prepared in any way. I'm not ready for final goodbyes or see you laters. I just want to keep her! My body, mind, and soul is yearning for my precious baby girl. I'm hurting in ways I never knew were possible. One lady told me something the other day and I believe it to be true. "When you lose a parents, it's like losing your past. When you lose a spouse, it's like losing your present. But when you lose a child, it's like losing your future." I'm already thinking alot about the what-ifs and the should'ves. Please bare with me during this difficult time.

Some people have asked where they can send cards to. Here is that information:
The Velazquez Family
148 E. Independence St.
Shamokin, PA 17872

We would love to hear from you.

Thank you for following our journey thus far. But I believe, this is just the beginning!

The hidden pain that lies on a child's face is heartbreaking!

Please don't...

say that things will get easier... because they will only get worse before they get any better.

Please don't say that I am strong... because I feel very weak. I am only as strong as God allows me to be.

Please don't say that I'm a great person... because I feel horrible!

I really do appreciate the comments from those of you who tell me I am strong and a great person/mother. But there are times like these, where I do not feel very strong or very great at all. I came to the conclusion that I am going to leave everything in God's hands. But even then, that doesn't help to lift the blues that I have been feeling today.

I guess having 2 good days in a row was too much. I was asking for a 3rd, but I didn't get it. Am I really asking for too much? I don't feel as if I'm asking for much at all.

Is this God's way of punishing me? Does He look upon me as a bad mother? I try my best to do right by my kids and my family. I've always been known as the person that always puts others needs ahead of my own. I rarely ever think of myself. As long as everyone around me is happy, I'm happy.

Until now. I feel as if I'm the worst person to live with. I don't feel like doing anything. All I ever want to do is cry. And when I don't feel like crying, I feel like sleeping. Sleep is like my get-a-way from the reality of life. In my dreams, we have this beautiful baby girl who is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. Our family sits back and watches her grow. She rarely ever cries. She always has a smile on her face. A smile that could light up an entire room. She's a spittin' image of her older sister.

And then I wake up and realize, it was all just a dream. At that point, I just want to cry. Why does it seem like my life is one big "joke"?

Yesterday was supposed to be "Judgement Day", atleast according to one person. I sat here almost wishing it was! This way we could all reach Heaven and live happily ever after. No more pain, no more sorrow. But of course, that didn't happen. Like the bible states, "No man shall know". People and their predictions... what a waste.

There are times when I feel very angry with God. Not because He put Sophia in our lives. But because of how much hurt He is allowing me to go through. I'm told it is normal to feel angry with Him. Just not to allow that anger to put a distance between me & Him. Keep Faith... that I have always been told.

Please do not take my vent in a bad way... I'm just hurting very deeply right now and need to get some of it off my chest.

Our love only gets deeper, thanks to you Sophia!

Happy Birthday (to me)

I have heard it said numerous times all week. I really do appreciate all the warm birthday wishes that everyone has sent. But the only thing I have been able to be happy about on this birthday, is the fact that I got to spend it with Sophia and the rest of my family. Other than that, it was just another day. I didn't do anything special. I just tried to "take it easy". I was asked several times by those closest to me, "What would you like for your birthday this year?" My response: "What I really want, I cannot have." Some left it at that and some begged me to stop because it was making them sad. Truth is, all I want for my birthday is to be able to keep Sophia with me, not just in my heart and mind.

Despite telling people that, or telling them that I'm getting too old for gifts, I still received a few. A couple nice, cool outfits for the summer (and something I can actually squeeze into), homemade birthday cards from my kids, dipped strawberries, and best of all, our pregnancy portraits from NILMDTS. I will get to that a bit later though. Nice gestures, but it just doesn't compare! I would trade nearly anything to be able to keep my precious little girl.

This week has been full of ups and downs. I had some really bad days where I didn't want to do a thing. And then days like today, where Angel and the kids decide, out of the blue, to set up a stand to try to raise money for Sophia's headstone. So, this afternoon, they all made their way outside to sell lemonade & hot dogs. Before long, people were stopping by. And most of them didn't want anything. They just wanted to give a donation and look at the pictures we had hanging on the pole of Sophia. Some of them asked questions, some of them gave us their condolences, and some just wanted to know what Anencephaly was. Sometimes I find it so hard to explain exactly what it is. So today, I left that part up to Angel. I just sat by, watching. Most people looked over at me with a look of sadness. I understand, it's heartbreaking. Believe me, I know firsthand/ But noone will ever know exactly what I'm feeling inside. Even those feelings are hard to explain to someone. I've tried, and they look at me as if I'm crazy.

As of Thursday, we reached 30 weeks. And I'm so upset that I do not have a picture to share. Something is seriously wrong with my camera (which we specifically bought to take pics of Sophia's birth). Angel tried to take it back to the store, but since it has been more then 15 days, there is nothing they can do. They told us to contact Kodak. No problem. I spoke with an online agent. She goes on to tell me that it's a problem with the battery. Okay, the camera is only going on 4 months old, still has a warranty. Then she tells me they cannot help me if I do not have a copy of the receipt. I've never been good at keeping receipts... ever! Now I'm stuck with a camera that cost us about $120 and it won't work. I'm so bummed out, that alone makes me want to cry! I was really enjoying being able to take pictures every week of my growing belly :)

Friday rolls around... I'm the big 26 now. Goodbye 25, hello 26. Doesn't feel any different. Honestly, I just wanted to sleep the day away and act as if it never happened. Thank God I didn't. I was hoping to get our NILMDTS pregnancy pictures back by my birthday... and I did! I was so excited to find the link to a website in my e-mail later that day. She sent us 3 pictures on Thursday night. I fell in love with them right away and was very excited to see the rest. So as soon as I noticed the e-mail, it was time to check them out. Absolutely beautiful! Stunning! I couldn't have asked for anything better. They turned out great! Here's a little peek:

Family pic!

To see the rest, please go to http://www.collages.net/. On the left side is the guest area. Click there. The username is Sophia Grace and the password is 23376. Login your info and it'll take you to the pictures. I tend to look at them several hundred times a day. I can't wait to be able to hang them up all over our house. Beautiful memories caught on camera. Beautiful memories that we made with Sophia. Memories... ugh, I'm really starting to hate the way that word sounds. Almost like all I'll ever have of Sophia is memories. I want so much more then that! Back to the website, once you're logged in, there is a guestbook on the left side. Please feel free to leave us a comment. We would love to know how many people are looking at our pictures :)

Kathy, if you're reading this... Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You and Ben did an amazing job. These pictures are just breathtaking. I love them so very much. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to meet with us. I will never forget you. You will always hold a very special place in our hearts! Thank you just isn't enough.

Back to our little sale today... we didn't get to stay out very long. The rain chased us back inside. But while we were out there, we were able to raise $64 towards Sophia's headstone. God, how I wish I could put that money towards clothes, diapers, bottles, stroller, etc. Thank you to all who stopped by today and enjoyed our hot dogs and lemonade, or just gave a donation. No matter how big or small, it helps! We deeply appreciate it.

I want to apologize if this post seems very unorganized. Truth is, I feel very unorganized myself lately. I have yet to start picking up the pieces to what used to be my life. They're still scattered all over the floor. And I just don't know where to start to put it all back together again. I'm not sure I want to either. As I have said many times before, this is a very difficult journey. One I had never expected to be on. One I had never truly understood. Even now, I don't fully understand it. And we've been on this journey now for almost 3 months. Maybe I will never understand. At one point, I knew just what I wanted to do with my life, aside from trying to be the best mother I can be. I was so interested in the Criminal Justice field and I was doing everything in my power to make my way there. But, I have officially given up. I do not feel as if my calling is Criminal Justice. I feel now that my calling in life is to help others, even in the slightest bit, to get through hard times like these. When they're faced with a fatal prenatal diagnosis, I want to be right there saying, "I know how you feel! I've been there. And this is what we can do to get through it... but only when you're ready." Now what profession would that be? I really do not know.

Oops, there I go again. Completely random. Maybe it's the fact that it's getting late. Maybe I should just go rest my weary eyes and leave blogging for another day.

Thanks for taking the time to read this "messy" post. And a quick welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for joining us on this journey. Sophia's Journey. The Velazquez Family Journey... whatever you want to call it :)

A family's bond, one that is unbreakable!
We love you, Sophia Grace

Hurtful comments...

are something I'm slowly starting to get used to. Within the last 3 months, I have heard several aimed in my direction.

"Why are the doctors going to continue to monitor her if you're just gonna lose her anyway?"
"You know, hanging ultrasound pictures up of her is like beating your head into a wall."
"Well, atleast it's almost over."
"Why would you put your baby through such pain?"

But the one that is really bothering me is, "It's better to lose a baby as a newborn rather then when they are a couple years old."

This statement wasn't made to me. It was made to my 10 year old daughter! This one statement really upset her. And when she finally came to me and told me about it, I was beyond furious. At that point, I wanted to make some heads roll! As a family, we are going through so much right now that we really do NOT need the rude/nasty comments. What we are doing is something we believe in. Every child, every baby, has a right to have a chance at life! What makes Sophia any different? Why do these people have to continue throwing salt on an open wound?

I wish this comment would've been made directly to me. Then I could've put this person in her place. But to have the nerve to say it to a 10 year old girl, who is hurting beyond this person's imagination, is just down right cruel! They have no idea what happens at home, behind closed doors. I find my daughter crying because she doesn't want to lose her only sister. She's just a jumble of mixed emotions. She understands that her sister is very special and will be taken right to Heaven when God calls her Home. But Mercedes still finds this very unfair, as do I.

She went on to tell my daughter that there really isn't a bond there when you lose them right away. Any REAL mother would know that a bond has been made between mother and child from the minute they find out they are expecting. That bond only gets stronger during delivery. I was very hurt, upset, disappointed, you name it! I guess it really wouldn't matter had it been a stranger to say this. But this person is part of our family (or should I say was). She has never experienced the loss of a child, and honestly, I hope she never does! I wish noone ever had to experience the pain that we have been feeling, along with many other families who have lost their babies.

I had an opportunity to confront her about this 2 days after she said it. But I kept my cool, I had to. She showed up for a combination party for 2 of my sons (their birthdays are 2 weeks apart) and my daughter's First Holy Communion party. I couldn't believe that she actually had the nerve to ask me, "So, how are you feeling?" I wanted to snap right then and there. But instead, I answered with "Eh." and kept moving. She didn't want to know how I was feeling. She should already know!

But I take pride in knowing that what we are doing with Sophia is very special. We're giving her a chance at life, no matter how long or how short. At the same time, we are showing our 4 other children the true meaning of unconditional love. When Sophia is called Home, she will leave behind a legacy. One that we will all continue to spread like wildfire. This precious little girl means the world to us all.

This journey has not been an easy one. I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy. But I can tell you this, I wouldn't trade our time with Sophia for anything in this world. God put Sophia in our lives for a reason, whether it be to teach us to love deeper, appreciate life more than we have, to become closer to Him, or because He knows we're strong enough to get through this and spread the much needed awareness. The reason is unknown!

During my daughter's First Holy Communion Mass, it felt as if God was talking to us through our priest. There was something he said that felt like it was directed right at me. I wish I could remember his exact words. But I found myself dazed after he spoke his words. It was along the lines of, all we ever want to do is to be good parents and point our children in the right direction so they may return Home. Maybe that wasn't it... but it's pretty close! I remember sitting there, dazed and thinking, "I will be bringing Sophia into this world, for a short period of time, and she will return Home and be with Jesus. Who could ask for anything more?" But I do ask for more. It makes me feel selfish. But I ask that He grant us a miracle and allow Sophia to stay here with her family. Like any mother, I do not want to give up my daughter, not even to God. But sometime within the next 9 weeks and 2 days, I will have to. And not by choice. But because that is what He wants.

**Sophia Grace Velazquez... much too beautiful for Earth**



Family Pic!! In back, Angel & me. In front, Junior, Mercedes, Javier, & Jordan. Special Guest: Sophia Grace!



Meetings, Appointments, Pictures.... Oh My!

Looks like I have a lot to update everyone on. I truly am sorry that it has taken so long to update everyone as to what has been going on. It has been quite a stressful week. So, let me take you all back to Thursday (May 5):

6:30am wake-up call! I was completely amazed at how wide awake the kids were. Usually, they're slackers. They hate waking up early and getting dressed for school. Not this day! They were awake, dressed, and ready to go before me! It was actually kind of funny, they were rushing me instead of me rushing them. I know they couldn't help it. They were excited about finally having the chance to see Sophia.

In the middle of me rushing around to get myself ready, Angel made an early run to the store to fuel up the gas tank and grab the kids something to snack on while at the hospital waiting. This made things so much easier, especially since noone seemed interested in eating breakfast.

7:30am, my parents arrive. I'm so thankful for my parents. If it weren't for them, I'm not sure what I would do. We sat around and talked for maybe 15 minutes and then it was time to go. Out the door and packing the kids in Pappy's van. This isn't always an easy task. They usually sit and fight over who is going to sit where. Not today! Everyone knew right where they wanted to sit... no fights, no questions asked.

Angel and I hopped in the truck and tried to follow behind them. I can't believe how heavy traffic can be at 7:50. But after finally making it onto the highway, we caught up with them. Besides heavy traffic and a patch of roadwork, everyone seemed to be in high spirits.

Our first appointment was for 8:30am.... meeting with our social worker, Mindy. This woman is amazing. I thank God every day that we have her. If it weren't for her, I'm sure everything would be much harder then it is. We sat down and talked with her for about 30 minutes. During this time, we were able to get our birth plan set in place. I think it's a rather good one. And if there are things we would like to add to it, we can just let her know and we can get it added. I'll add Sophia's birth plan to the tabs above soon.

9:00am MDC meeting with the NICU team... this was the part I was dreading! I wasn't sure what to expect. None of my kids have ever been in the NICU (not that Sophia will be going there). We walked in the room, and of course I was a bit nervous in the beginning. But after sitting down and being introduced to everyone, I felt more at ease. I remember sitting down and thinking, "I hope my other kids are behaving." Now time to get down to business about Sophia. One of the doctors I can remember by name was Dr. Johnson! She was so very nice. We all discussed what was going on with Sophia and then it was Mindy's turn to speak. She filled everyone in on our birth plan. Noone seemed to object to anything. Moving on, Dr. Johnson started telling us about some things we can expect to see or hear during delivery. We were told that we're allowed to bring in our own hats for Sophia. But the best thing to do would be to have someone make them because store bought hats will be too big. I remember back when we bought hats for our other babies, they always seemed to be too small! How could those same hats be too big? My poor, precious Sophia :( They went on to tell us that there may be times when Sophia's breathing may stop. When I heard this, all I wanted to do was cry. Thankfully, I had 2 cans of orange juice and some cheez-its. They kept me pretty busy... or should I say distracted, during times that I felt that I had to cry. Before long, our meeting was over. Honestly, I felt relieved. I knew our special time was coming!

We came back down to MFM and my parents and kids were all sitting there waiting. Mercedes had decided that while we were in our meeting, she was going to the Gift Shop to buy her baby sister a gift. She wanted me to open it right away, so I did. Inside this gift bag was an adorable stuffed animal of a white-tailed deer. After a little bit, Junior seemed to be feeling a bit down and asked his Nanny to take him to the Gift Shop so he can buy something for his baby sister too. While they were in there, Angel and I snuck outside for a bit of fresh air and a few minutes to talk alone about everything we had been told. I could tell by his facial expression that he was hurting. I just wasn't sure which part of the meeting had made him feel this way. It turned out that it was exactly the same thing that had been bothering me... being told that Sophia may end up gasping for air. That hurts our hearts deeply. After a few minutes, we put ourselves back together and went back into the hospital. By this time, Junior had his gift picked out. And of course I was told to open it right away. So I did. This time, it was yet another stuffed animal, but this one was a gray squirrel. So cute!

10:30am our family visit with Sophia! My parents waited for us in the waiting room while we went back with all the kids. This was nothing new for Javier. He's used to this. He loves sitting back and watching his baby sister show up on the overhead monitor. Mercedes, Junior, and Jordan all got comfortable and sat back to watch. Mercedes had lots of questions to ask, "What's that?" "Oh wow, is that her heart beat?" "Oh my gosh, is that her arm?" She was absolutely amazed! The boys were all fairly quiet and didn't ask any questions. About 20 minutes into our ultrasound, Junior started asking if we were done yet. I'm not sure if he was getting antsy or just uncomfortable with the situation. Shortly after, the scan was complete and we had to wait for the doctors to come in with their findings. We were told that everything is looking good, but fluid levels are high (at 30). This made me nervous. I told the doctor how I had been having experiences with Braxton-Hicks contractions and how I have noticed that it is hard to breathe if I lay on my right side or on my back. He told me that the reasons for these things is because of the fluid levels. He told me that they could do an amnio reduction, if need be. But that if the high fluid starts to affect my health, we'll have to have Sophia early. This was something I absolutely did not want! With more pictures of Sophia in hand, we proceeded to check out and scheduled another appointment for 1 week later to check fluid levels.

I was so ready to get out of there! Before we left, we talked with Mindy 1 more time with the information on where to go to meet our NILMDTS photographer. We had some time left over so we decided to surprise the kids and go to McDonald's for lunch. I almost think that was a mistake! (lol) The line was so long. I took the kids into the PlayPlace while we waited for Angel to bring the food. Then, trying to get the kids out of the PlayPlace to eat was not very easy! After a little while, they finally decided to sit down and eat. They finished up with their burgers and ran right back in! Atleast we made it to our photoshoot location on time! While getting Javier out of his car seat, I noticed he had chocolate on his shirt. I was so upset! I couldn't get it out. I remember thinking, "Great! This poor woman is going to think that we let our kids go around dirty!" Nothing was ever said!

1pm family pregnancy pic time! We had such a blast. It was a bit chilly out there, but well worth it in the end. The boys ran around for a little, while I filled out a form and Kathy searched for a nice area for the pictures. Somehow between that time, Javier ended up with a scratch on his chin from a stick he was playing with. I remember hoping that it wouldn't show up in the pictures. Everyone seemed to have had a good time with the photoshoot. 60+ pictures later and we were done. We hung around for a few minutes talking with Kathy (the photographer). She apologized for everything that we're going through. She also told me that her first photoshoot with NILMDTS was with a woman that had an anencephalic baby. She asked if I would like to talk to her sometime. Of course I would! So I'm waiting for an e-mail from her.

28 weeks!

Fast forward to today...

We went in for a 1:30 appointment to have fluid levels checked. Unfortunately, they're still high. But have dropped a little bit. I'm hoping that this means that Sophia is learning how to swallow. I guess noone will know for sure. All I can do is hope and pray that she is. We left with 7 more pictures of our sweet girl. I'll try to add some of these pictures later.

I think that's it for updates for right now. Time to get the kiddos in bed and settled. Thanks for checking back!

7 months...

well, close enough! Tomorrow makes 28 weeks for us, but I decided to do my blog now. We have so much ahead of us tomorrow. I'm sure by the time we get home from the hospital, I'll be ready for a long nap!

Tomorrow we'll be meeting with our social worker to discuss our birth plan. After that, we'll be meeting with the NICU team for our MDC. This part, I am not looking forward to. But I guess it's time to chin up. After that, we'll be going for our ultrasound to see Sophia. I'm very excited for this! And after all our appointments are out of the way, we'll be going for our family pregnancy pictures. Super excited! It'll be the first time we get to meet our NILMDTS photographer.

I've decided to let my 3 older children stay home from school tomorrow to join us. It'll be the first time they get to see their baby sister. And they also wanted to be included in the pictures. I wouldn't have it any other way! They're all super excited to see her and take pictures with her. It's only a little after 9pm and they're all sleeping. This is not normal in the Velazquez house (lol). But lately, there is nothing normal about our family anymore.

Of course, on the outside, we look like your average family. 2 parents, 4 children ranging in age from 10-3, and a baby on the way. Sometimes I wish these strangers only knew what we're being faced with. Would they even be able to understand the pain that my family is feeling? Probably not. But maybe if they knew, they would keep their questions at bay.

7 months... it seems like such a long time. Unfortunately, it's been going by way too fast for us. As every day passes, I know I'm one day closer to delivering Sophia. Yes, I am beyond excited to finally get the chance to meet this precious little girl that I've been feeling the last few months. Yes, I'm excited to hold her and tell her just how much I love her. Yes, I'm excited about getting the chance to take in her scent. What I am not excited about, is having to let her go so soon. I dread this day. I keep telling myself, "God wouldn't have put Sophia in my life if He didn't think I was strong enough to deal with what will happen." Truth is, I'm far from strong enough.

I lost my grandfather when I was about 10-11 years old. And that pain still seems very raw. I never got to say good-bye to him. Apparently, I was "too young". But now here I am, just days away from turning 26, and I still find myself thinking of him. Wishing he was still here with us. Wishing I could just leave the house and track him down, because to me, he hasn't died. He's lost out there somewhere and noone can find him. I have no closure.

I know things will be different when it comes to Sophia, but my point is, I do not handle death very well. This is going to tear me apart. While all these other moms get to hold their babies in their arms and love on them, I'll be sitting back grieving. I'll be having to go to a cemetery to spend time with my little girl. And I find myself wondering, "Will she even know I'm there?" I know I will be spending many afternoons sitting/laying next to her. "Will my other children understand that they will always have a baby sister?" Mercedes will continuously tell me that everything is so unfair because she can't have the baby sister she's been waiting for for so long. I just hope that she'll always remember that she does in fact have a sister. One that is extra special. One that will be watching over all of us for years to come. One who will be waiting for us when our time here is over.

These words are just so hard to say. I never thought that this would be me. A "baby loss mama".

If it weren't for Sophia, I never would've met some of the people that I have. Within the last few weeks, I've met some pretty amazing people. Some who have touched my heart with their kind words, some who have offered to lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, and some who have made me life when all I felt like doing was dying.

But I have to keep on keeping on. Mercedes, Junior, Jordan, and Javier need me. I know Sophia will be well taken care of in the arms of Jesus.

Time to head to bed and prepare for our early morning journey!

And the road gets harder

I never thought I'd be saying those words, because it seems like it cannot get any harder then it has been. Boy, was I wrong!

This past week seems to be one of the hardest I've faced yet. I've been dealing with Braxton-Hicks nearly every day for a week. Everytime they hit, I sit here and say to myself, "Please God, do not let this be the time! I'm just not ready!" I have never experienced Braxton-Hicks this early on. The doctors assure me that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe to them it's not!

Aside from that, I'm finding it hard to contain my emotions. I thought I was doing so well for awhile. Of course I've shed a few tears here and there, but haven't had a complete meltdown since we received the news and the whole first 2 weeks after that. This past week has been different. I've had to cry myself to sleep. I've sat here listening to certain songs and just cry. I've read numerous stories about other mothers who have lost their babies, and cry. I wonder if things will be the same for me... or if they'll be different.

I'm starting to feel as if I'm distancing myself from those who matter most. I'll sit here at my window and watch everyone go on about their day, without a care in the world. And I find myself wondering, "How can they do this? Is there nothing that bothers them?" I guess I'll never know the answer. But for me, it feels as if everything has come to a halt. Like the world has just stopped turning. I find it hard to get up out of bed every day. I find it even harder to leave my house.

I went for a walk with Angel and Javier (my youngest) and while we were walking, we were stopped and asked the usual questions: 

When are you due?
What are you having?
Is this going to be your last?

And of course, congratulations.

Certain people that have known us for years, we will explain what is going on. But to those who don't know us all that well, we just answer the questions and keep moving. I never thought questions like those would be so hard to answer. Everyone seems to think that when you're pregnant, you'll have a baby and come home with him/her and watch her grow. They never think of the possibilities that something may go wrong. Or that the mother was given a fatal prenatal diagnosis.

On another note, tomorrow is Jordan's birthday (my 3rd child)! He'll be 6 years old. I wonder where all the time has gone. At the same time, I find myself wondering what Sophia would be doing on her 6th birthday. Or even on her 1st. I'm told these are normal feelings. They just don't feel 'normal' to me. But even through these hard times, Jordan has been wonderful! He never forgets that he has a baby sister on the way. He gives her hugs and kisses every day! There are even times when he'll ask, "Mommy, did Sophia go to Heaven yet?" That's one question that seems to hurt me every time. I know he's not trying to hurt me. It's just one of those questions. He actually got to feel her move for the first time yesterday. His reaction was priceless! He went from being calm to overly excited! In his Daddy's words, "He acts as if he just had his first taste of candy!" That was one way to put it. Ever since, he'll ask me, "Is she moving yet, Mommy? I want to feel her again!" Unfortunately, my other kids haven't felt her move yet. Javier has, but didn't really know what it was.

I missed out on taking a 27 week pic :( My camera died and it's in the middle of being charged. Once I have that, I'll post it!

And now, we're moving on to Week 28! I'm excited and scared. One week closer to D-Day. This week, we'll be meeting with the NICU team. Not that Sophia will be taken into the NICU, but it's so that we can have some answers as to what we'll hear and what they'll do during delivery. And what to expect. I do not look forward to this, but I know it's something we have to do. Thanks to my wonderful social worker, Mindy, we'll be going in for an ultrasound right after the meeting is over. God knows how much I love to see Sophia on that monitor. Even if she's still/sleeping. It amazes me to see just how much she has grown from the previous scan.

I'm sure you have all heard the old wives tale of. "If you have alot of heartburn during pregnancy, your baby will have alot of hair." In my case, that has always been true! My first 3 children, I had pretty mild heartburn. They all had a decent amount of hair at birth. My 4th child, everything I came in contact with gave me heartburn, water included! He had more hair then the others. Now here is my dilemma: why am I having such bad heartburn now? Pretty much everything I eat or drink (besides water), gives me heartburn. It doesn't make much sense to me right now. I guess it's a 'wait and see' thing.

Please God, grant us a miracle!