Tears that won't stop

I feel as if I've been neglecting Sophia's blog. I used to be so good with updating as often as I could. But so much has gotten in the way of that. My life has officially been turned upside down. I've been wanting to write this blog now for the last couple days and I just haven't been able to find the words, so please bare with me if things seem out of place.

Our journey on the other side has begun...

Sophia Grace Velazquez was born sleeping on May 31st, 2011 at 12:21am. She weighed 2 pounds 3 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. My little peanut. God, I miss her so much... I can't even begin to put into words just how much. She has really touched the hearts of many lives within a very short time. I feel so blessed to be able to call myself her Momma.

Now let me get on to exactly what happened that brought our pregnancy to a stop, so to speak.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I found myself to be very sick and not feeling well. It all started on Friday. I was feeling a bit nauseous and running a bit of a fever. First step, take some Tylenol! And I did. It seemed to have helped, so we made our way out for our local Memorial Day Parade. The kids had such a great time. But I found it to be very hard to walk that far. I couldn't wait to get home! Saturday comes, I'm feeling a bit worse. I started throwing up and was running a fever again. My first thought was that maybe I was dehydrated. So I started pounding down the water, took some more Tylenol and laid down for a nap while Angel took the kids down to the Heritage Festival, which they also loved. I spent most of my day laying around with a heavy head, feeling sick to my stomach, and with what I had thought were Braxton-Hicks contractions. I'll get to that later. I continued to pound down the water, just in case. I made my way to bed early, but found it hard to sleep. I was feeling very short of breath. Sunday came along, I felt the same way all day. Threw up several times, continued with the water, Tylenol, and plenty of rest. Noone did much of anything then. We made our way into Monday. I thought that I was feeling slightly better. But to be on the safe side, I told Angel I wanted to squeeze in a nap before we tried to fire up the grill, after all, it was Memorial Day. About 10 minutes later, I found myself rushing to the kitchen to throw up some more. I'm sure you all don't want to know about that, but it's part of the story. The kids ran to get their Dad. This time around, they were scared. I'm still not sure why. But he came in and asked me if I was okay and my usual response would've been "Yes, I'm fine. I just have to get this out and lay back down." But instead, my answer was "No." He asked what was wrong and I simply said, "We have a problem." He asked what it was and all I had to do was look down and his eyes followed. There I was, standing in a puddle of water. I tried to play it off as if I had possibly peed myself (which I knew wasn't the case) because I knew what his next words would be... and I was right. "That's it! I'm not taking no for an answer, you're going to the hospital! This is enough!" I knew he meant business and I didn't bother to try to change his mind. I told him that I needed to hop in the shower to quickly freshen up. Meanwhile, he was on the phone right away to my brother to have him come sit with my 2 younger kids, Jordan & Javier. Thankfully my older 2, Mercedes & Junior, were spending time with Grandma for the day. Next call, to one of my best friends. By the time I was out of the shower, dressed. and making my way downstairs, they were all here. By this time, I felt as if I was running out of air... so I knew it was time to go. I didn't wanna leave my boys! But I knew I had to, just to be safe. We piled into the truck, just the 3 of us, and made our way to the hospital, which is about a half hour or so away. On our way, my friend called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and what was going on. They said they would be ready for us, and they were. It felt like we made it there within about 10 minutes, but I'm sure it was a little longer then that. They took me straight into an exam room. Did the usual. Got myself into a gown, peed in the cup, and laid in the bed awaiting my IV (which I HATE might I add). A nurse came in to check my temp... 103.6! No joke. I couldn't believe it was that high, no wonder why I felt like I was on fire. Next step, they hooked a monitor up to me to keep track of these crazy "Braxton-Hicks". I just sat there watching the thing climb higher and higher on the paper. They had attempted to put on the other monitor that tracks her heartbeat, but they didn't... still not sure why. But when she laid it on my stomach for a minute, it read 152. I thought to myself, "Well, that's good for Sophia so I'm happy." IV time.... yuck! But I knew it was needed to help bring down the fever. Then to doctor came in to check and see if I was dilating. She told me I wasn't... which was a relief. She took a few swabs and went to look under her microscope. The 3 of us just kinda sat there waiting. I kept telling myself, "I knew it, pump me full of fluids and send me home." After a few minutes, she came back over and hooked up the ultrasound machine. Oh how I loved these. It gave me a chance to see Sophia kicking and moving around. This time, it was hard to see anything. I'm not sure if it was because the quality was so poor compared to the ones in MFM or because the light was on. But I just laid back and let her do her thing. Angel watched and pointed out Sophia's arm and leg. It felt like 20 minutes had gone by. I knew she was looking for something, but what? She told me there was alot of fluid. That was nothing new. And then a few minutes later, she turned around and said "I can't find a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." Immediately, I broke into tears. I grabbed ahold of Angel and cried uncontrollably. She said she was going to get another doctor to come in and take a look to see if he could find it. They were back within a couple minutes. He started scanning... about 5 minutes later, he agreed with the first doctor and apologized. Life as I knew it was over. I felt robbed! I wanted to scream like the woman across the hall was. But I tried to calm myself down because I knew it was now crunch time. We had to get a plan into place. And I had to calm down, because I was starting to have difficulty breathing because I was that worked up. I asked the doctor what their plans were, and she said I had to be treated for an infection, which they weren't sure where it was located, but that they had to deliver Sophia first. I knew that was coming! I was scared out of my mind. So, first thing out of my mouth was that I had to get my parents there, and quickly. I also wanted my kids to be there, but it was getting late and I didn't want them carrying on in Labor and Delivery, so Angel talked with my brother and he had agreed to watch the boys over night. Thank God for family!!! I was given some Tylenol for the fever. That is when I was told that these "Braxton-Hicks" were actually the real deal. No wonder why I was so uncomfortable the last couple days! Then the nurse also told me that when she was looking to put on the heart monitor for Sophia, she couldn't find her heart beat but didn't want to say anything until the doctors could prove otherwise. She said the 152 I had seen on the little monitor was indeed my heart beat. 152 for me? Not good!!! The doctors and nurses left the room to give us a few minutes alone. Sharyl, one of my best friends since childhood, ran to the nurses station for a pen and paper. She came back and I gave her the number to reach my parents at work. I was hoping she'd be able to catch them before they left. And I also gave her the number to call our priest and fill him in on what was going on. Thank God for best friends! She was able to reach my parents at work. She told them to stay put because she was on her way and had to explain something to them. She didn't feel as if it would be proper to explain such a thing over the phone. I completely agreed! The nurse came back into the room and showed us to our room. I couldn't want to be out of the exam room. We kept hearing the worman across the hall screaming in pain. We were told that she was about to deliver. I really wanted to be as far away from her as I could be because I know I wouldn't have been able to bare hearing a baby cry at this point. Loved my new room! It was at the very end of the hall, away from everyone else but right next to the NICU doors. The time was coming quick. They came in to do some more blood work. Ugh, how I hate needles. So, while we waited on my parents to arrive and wait for Sharyl to return, I decided to grab Angel's cell and update my Facebook status. I figured it would be the easiest way of letting everyone know what was going on rather then calling everyone and having to repeat myself a million times. Which reminds me, he had really poor service in there. Big bummer! But within minutes of updating my status, my room phone started ringing off the hook. Many condolences were sent. Some people told me they were on their way. And a call from my sister. She reminded me that I didn't have a camera! I wasn't even thinking that I was going to need one when I left the house. It would've been hard to find one anyway, seeing as how mine crapped out on me about a week or so earlier. She got to work asking people on Facebook to please bring me a camera and she'd pay them back. She even called the nurses station to see if they could take her credit card number and run to the gift shop and grab one for me. Somehow or another, I ended up with a camera. Thank you!!! Before long, my parents showed up. Shortly after, Sharyl was back. Or was it the other way around? I can't remember! Soon after, an old friend from school came by. Turns out, he was there earlier with a camera but was told that I already had one. The nurses said he could come back to my room to see me, but he didn't want to intrude. When I found out, my sister had called back again and I told her how bummed out I was that he didn't come back to see us. She told him via Facebook and before long, he was back and sitting in my room :) A little while later, 2 more friends showed up. I was greeted with big hugs and apologies. And soon after, 1 more friend showed up with food! Everyone was so thankful of her. I knew I had to have her there. She had lost a baby several years ago, but to something completely different, which I won't get into without her permission. I looked at the clock and I told Angel, "Well, I guess noone else is coming so I'm ready whenever they are." The anesthesiologist came in, explained some things to me, ha me sign a paper and said he would be back within an hour. He was right! That hour seemed to go by so fast. The nurses were coming in with their booties and hairnets and masks on. I knew it was time. I was scared! I started to cry, very openly, which is unlike me. Everyone gave me hugs and told me they would be waiting to meet Sophia after surgery. I was happy to know that these people actually wanted to stick around to meet her. They were already there for me, but I wanted someone there for Sophia too. Angel was handed his gown and told they would come to get him as soon as they were ready. Honestly, I didn't want to go alone. I didn't know these people! But I sucked it up. They wheeled me out and I cried the whole way to the OR.  They got me in, scooted me over onto the table. Within a couple minutes, the anesthesiologist was ready. I was prepared. Heck, I'm a pro and putting my back out for these needles in the spine. The medicine seemed to take affect right away. The nurse helped me swing my legs back onto the table. After they did a check to make sure I was completely numb, they put up the drape. I knew the time was coming and rather quickly. I started shaking. I couldn't stop it. The nurse had asked me if I was cold and I said no, which I wasn't. I told her I was just very scared. They grabbed 2 warm blankets anyway and wrapped them around my head while another nurse ran out to get Angel. Finally, some relief! I needed him with me. I needed someone to talk me through this and who knew exactly how I was feeling. I could see in his eyes that he was scared and nervous, just as I was. I started feeling some tugging. I looked at Angel and told him, "I'm pretty sure they're about to get her now." Right after I said that, we heard a large gush. Well, there went all that extra fluid that I've been carrying the last couple weeks. Mind you, this was my 5th c-section. Out of all of them, I never heard that sound before. You could hear it hit the floor and kinda drip off the table. Some more tugging and boom, there she was! A beautiful, precious baby girl. Our baby girl. Sophia Grace was actually here. Obviously not in spirit, but in body. Angel immediately went over to her little table and started taking pictures. After that, he was cleaning her up, putting her little hat on, and swaddling her before bringing her over for me to see. I just couldn't bare to see her until she was wearing her hat. I guess you could say I was afraid to look. Not because I thought it would make her look worse or whatever, but because it would make me think of how much pain she would've been in had she been born alive. I know, the doctors say anencephalic babies don't feel pain, but my mind tells me different. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She actually had her eyes open! Gorgeous blue eyes! I fell in love right away. They let one of my arms loose so I could partially hold her. Tears flowing again. How I couldn't wait to be able to hold her. The doctors stuck by what they said and allowed Angel to stay in the room with me the rest of the time. I was happy for that. I didn't want to be left alone with strangers again. Don't get me wrong, these nurses and doctors were very sweet and sympathetic. But sometimes, you just need your better half :) Before I knew it, I was being moved back on to my bed. I don't remember being wheeled back to my room. I don't remember if everyone was still in my room waiting or if they came back when they heard I was out of surgery. I may have dozed off for a bit and I just don't remember doing it. But what I do remember is everyone being in awe over Sophia. I remember seeing some taking pictures. Everyone was crowded around Angel and Sophia. I let them go. I knew I would get my time with her very soon. After all, it was after 1am and I knew they would all be leaving soon and I was sure most of them, except my parents, wouldn't be coming back. And I was right, within a few minutes, everyone started clearing out. Lots of tears. Lots of hugs. And of course, goodbyes and being told just how beautiful Sophia is. I knew this. No matter what problem Sophia had, I always knew she would be beautiful. After everyone left, I finally had my chance to hold her. I just wanted to squeeze her so tight. But I didn't. I held her for quite some time and just kept telling her how much I love her and how sorry I was that things had to happen this way. One of the nurses headed out to call for the chaplain. He was such a nice man. He listened to us through the tears. He offered some kind words, that I unfortunately can't remember. He excused himself and said he would be back after asking us if we would like for her to be baptized. Daddy, Mommy, and Sophia time! We couldn't believe that the time was here already where we got to see her precious face and hold her close to us and tell her we love her and kiss on her. It was a bittersweet time. The chaplain came back, baptized her, prayed over us, and was gone shortly after. More time for us! It was pretty late though, I would say it was roughly 5am. We were some very tired parents! So we decided we would turn in for the night knowing the docs would be in bright and early in the morning. Their rounds are usually around 6:30 every morning. We had decided we were going to try to keep Sophia in the room with us for the night. Well, after waking up several times within minutes apart, thinking Sophia was crying, I had finally asked Angel if he could have one of the nurses take her for a bit so we could try to get some sleep. Even then, sleep didn't come easy. My mind just kept racing in a million different directions. I don't think I could process everything that was going on. Nurses came in and out all night to keep the antibiotics flowing and checking my blood pressure, the whole nine. Later that morning, our NILMDTS photographer showed up. This was a time I was waiting for. We had asked her if she could take some pictures of just the 3 of us before the kids got there. And she did. She is such an amazing woman. I loved the work she did for us on our pregnancy shoot. And I already couldn't wait to see what these ones would look like. Well, I was a mess! I didn't realize it but when I got in the shower before heading to the hospital, I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. And when I noticed it, it was already too late. My wonderful social worker from the hospital washed my hair for me. I owe her so much! After washing my hair for me, she threw it into a quick french braid. Loved it! And I didn't even look in the mirror. Kathy, our photographer, started off by taking pictures of just Angel and Sophia. You could tell just how much he loves his baby girl. Daddy's little girl :) Next, Sophia was in my arms in the rocking chair. I was just admiring her beautiful face and stroking her cheek and noticed Kathy taking pictures. Angel popped over just as my eyes were filling up with tears and asked if I was okay. I was hurting too much to answer. Here I was, holding my baby, knowing I wouldn't be able to for much longer.

She took several pictures. We didn't get them all back yet, just a few to display at Sophia's service. This is the one I was talking about. After a few minutes, we decided we wanted a few pictures of Sophia by herself. When Angel took her from me, I actually fell asleep in the rocking chair! Once he noticed, he helped me out of the chair and put me in bed. I do not remember ever falling asleep. But when I woke up, everyone was gone. I was back to feeling scared all over again. As I was about to ring for one of the nurses to track Angel down, he came walking back into the room. What a relief! That was short lived because I got scared again thinking that since I fell asleep, the pictures were over and Kathy left to go home. I explained this to Angel. He kinda giggled at me and said no, that they were still there, they just wanted to give me time to rest. Thank God! At the same time, he told me my parents had made it to the hospital with the kids and that they were eating in the cafeteria and then they would be up to see me and to meet their new baby sister. Well, I had Angel ask one of the nurses if they could take Sophia for a few minutes so we could explain to them what they would be expected to see and what had happened. They gladly took her and within a few minutes, here came the kids!. I was so happy to see them. I gave them all lots of hugs and kisses. In walked my brother. My brother! I wasn't expecting to see him there. I figured it would all be too much for him, but he still came to see me and Sophia. I glanced over towards the couch to see my awesome social worker already explaining things to the kids for me. They seemed to understand and when we made it to that point, we asked for Sophia to be brought back in. Almost instantly, they all started to love on their new baby sister. All the while, Kathy is in the background snapping pictures of this time they were spending with their sister and bonding with her. I thank God daily for Kathy and the NILMDTS organization. Noone else would've been able to capture what she was. After a little while, it was Nanny and Pappy's turn for some pictures with their new granddaughter. Through tears, they were able to do it and make some memories at the same time. We had tried to get my brother to hold Sophia and get some pictures too but he said that was just a little too much for him so he got up and stood behind my parents for a quick picture or two. And then it was back to taking more pictures of the kids with Sophia. I want them to be able to remember her in some way, even when they're 50 years old! I'm sure pictures will help with that. Mercedes & Junior shed many tears during this time. And of course Mercedes reminded me of how unfair it was that God wouldn't let us keep her only sister. But I explained to her that just because her sister is now in heaven doesn't mean she doesn't have a sister. I told her she has an extra special sister now who she can talk to whenever she wants and she doesn't have to worry about telling anyone what they talk about. It'll be her own little secret conversations :) That seemed to help calm her down. And of course, Junior expressed how unfair it was that she wasn't allowed to stay. I explained the same to him. It seemed like emotions were really starting to take it's toll. I kept myself together and strong as much as I could. Not for myself, but for my kids, Sophia included. Around this time, Kathy ended our session and thanked us for allowing her to be a part of Sophia's life here with us. She truly is amazing. Thank you just isn't enough. I almost feel as if I owe this woman my life! We had the nurse take Sophia again for a little while so we could tend to the needs of the other kids and to get them to calm down. Not to mention, I was one tired momma! We finally got everyone to calm down. I thought maybe I would be able to get a cat nap in while I put cartoons on the tv for the kids. It didn't happen. They all wanted to spend time with me and ask me questions about how I was feeling and if it hurt to have Sophia. Just lots of questions. I answered them all the best way I could. Before long, they all seemed to be getting pretty hyper and wanting to run around. It was a bit much for 2 tired parents. Angel and I talked alone off to the side for a minute and decided that we might as well have them head home. It had been a long day and we needed some rest, and so did the kids. So we told them and got them prepared to leave. But I wouldn't let them go home without seeing Sophia one more time. They loved on her some more. And about an hour or so later, everyone left. Just in time too because my fever was spiking yet again. How I couldn't wait for all that to be over!! The kids were sure to call me once they made it to Grandma's house. They all wanted to tell me how much they loved me and couldn't wait for me to get home the next day. And how much they really love their little sister and how cute she is. I wished them all a goodnight, told them I love them very much, and we hung up. Just as Angel and I were about to turn in for another night of restless sleep, his brother came. Bearing food!! Unfortunately, nothing I could eat. Everything just seemed to turn my stomach and make me sick, even jello. I knew I was in bad shape. He stayed for awhile and took in as much as he could of his newest niece. Thankfully, he didn't stay long. When he left, we went right to sleep. I was hoping to hear good news Wednesday morning and be told I was able to go home. But, I wasn't given that news. I was told I had to stay for another day due to spiking that fever. They were still unsure where this infection was located, but thought it may have been in my uterus. We're still not sure, even now. So Wednesday, we didn't have any visitors, other then our social worker and hospital chaplain. We needed a day to just rest and hope that I could get to feeling better so I could go home the next day. We had the nurse bring Sophia back to our room as soon as we woke up, but after breakfast. We both held her and loved on her. But we had noticed some changes in her color, along with other things. We spent a few hours with her and then decided that she needed to be in the morgue and kept cool. I was feeling very selfish for keeping her with us for so long that it was starting to take a toll on her little body. And we didn't want things to be any harder for the funeral directors then it would have to be. It was very hard having to say our goodbyes and handing her over to the nurse. I bawled when she walked out of the room with her. I cried so much that my chest started hurting and I started feeling very weak and dizzy. I also started feeling very hot. I knew that was a sign of another fever spike, so I tried my best to calm down because I hadn't had a spike in my fever all day. They said as long as it stayed down for 24 hours, I would be able to go home the following day. Angel made the call to the funeral home to let them know she was ready to be picked up. That was so hard on both of us. All of this has been hard. So the rest of the day we just cuddled together, cried together, and talked about Sophia a whole lot. I found myself in the rocking chair later, staring out the window at the sky and saying, "I know you're up there somewhere. Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you very very much and we miss you with all our hearts." Before you know it, it was night time and we were ready for bed. But at this point, I was starting to feel some pain from my c-section. I asked for something for the pain, first time in all the days I was there. And asked if I could have something for sleep, because I just wasn't getting enough. Well, the pain pill was enough to take the pain away and put me to sleep for awhile. But I was awake again by 4am. I didn't bother to ask for the sleep aid because I knew I would be waking up a couple hours later to the doc and I wanted to ask her if I was able to go home. That time came and she said yes! I was so happy that I'd be able to go home and be with my kids. At this point, I needed them more then anything. They gave me one last dose of antibiotic and we were on our way. Our first stop when we made it back to town was to drop off my prescriptions and to put our pictures in to be developed. Then it was off to talk with the funeral director. I knew it was going to be a hard thing to do but I didn't think it would be so hard to keep myself together. I had tears in my eyes multiple times. After we got everything squared away, he showed us her casket. We didn't know it had finally come. It was beautiful! Pure white. Inside it was baby pink and very soft. I knew she would sleep comfortably. We forgot to bring a few things to him that we wanted put in her casket with her. So we got those things together, along with 1 thing from each of the kids and her outfit and hat from Mystie. Angel ran it down to him the next day and while he was there, he had to go over the death certificate information. It just seems so unfair to have to go over that rather then fill out the papers for a birth certificate. But he did it and has been trying his best to remain strong but has had his breakdowns, just as I have.

Fast forward to the now....
Everything still feels very raw. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions. My heart continues to break multiple times a day. I cry quite a bit but find it hardest in the morning and at night. I've been keeping myself rather busy during the day. But I'm always thinking of my girl. I wish things could be different. I wish I could be sitting here updating everyone on the new week we have with her. But instead, it has been about her birth and everything that goes along with it. Monday is the big day. Her funeral. I do not feel prepared in any way. I'm not ready for final goodbyes or see you laters. I just want to keep her! My body, mind, and soul is yearning for my precious baby girl. I'm hurting in ways I never knew were possible. One lady told me something the other day and I believe it to be true. "When you lose a parents, it's like losing your past. When you lose a spouse, it's like losing your present. But when you lose a child, it's like losing your future." I'm already thinking alot about the what-ifs and the should'ves. Please bare with me during this difficult time.

Some people have asked where they can send cards to. Here is that information:
The Velazquez Family
148 E. Independence St.
Shamokin, PA 17872

We would love to hear from you.

Thank you for following our journey thus far. But I believe, this is just the beginning!

The hidden pain that lies on a child's face is heartbreaking!