Happy Birthday (to me)

I have heard it said numerous times all week. I really do appreciate all the warm birthday wishes that everyone has sent. But the only thing I have been able to be happy about on this birthday, is the fact that I got to spend it with Sophia and the rest of my family. Other than that, it was just another day. I didn't do anything special. I just tried to "take it easy". I was asked several times by those closest to me, "What would you like for your birthday this year?" My response: "What I really want, I cannot have." Some left it at that and some begged me to stop because it was making them sad. Truth is, all I want for my birthday is to be able to keep Sophia with me, not just in my heart and mind.

Despite telling people that, or telling them that I'm getting too old for gifts, I still received a few. A couple nice, cool outfits for the summer (and something I can actually squeeze into), homemade birthday cards from my kids, dipped strawberries, and best of all, our pregnancy portraits from NILMDTS. I will get to that a bit later though. Nice gestures, but it just doesn't compare! I would trade nearly anything to be able to keep my precious little girl.

This week has been full of ups and downs. I had some really bad days where I didn't want to do a thing. And then days like today, where Angel and the kids decide, out of the blue, to set up a stand to try to raise money for Sophia's headstone. So, this afternoon, they all made their way outside to sell lemonade & hot dogs. Before long, people were stopping by. And most of them didn't want anything. They just wanted to give a donation and look at the pictures we had hanging on the pole of Sophia. Some of them asked questions, some of them gave us their condolences, and some just wanted to know what Anencephaly was. Sometimes I find it so hard to explain exactly what it is. So today, I left that part up to Angel. I just sat by, watching. Most people looked over at me with a look of sadness. I understand, it's heartbreaking. Believe me, I know firsthand/ But noone will ever know exactly what I'm feeling inside. Even those feelings are hard to explain to someone. I've tried, and they look at me as if I'm crazy.

As of Thursday, we reached 30 weeks. And I'm so upset that I do not have a picture to share. Something is seriously wrong with my camera (which we specifically bought to take pics of Sophia's birth). Angel tried to take it back to the store, but since it has been more then 15 days, there is nothing they can do. They told us to contact Kodak. No problem. I spoke with an online agent. She goes on to tell me that it's a problem with the battery. Okay, the camera is only going on 4 months old, still has a warranty. Then she tells me they cannot help me if I do not have a copy of the receipt. I've never been good at keeping receipts... ever! Now I'm stuck with a camera that cost us about $120 and it won't work. I'm so bummed out, that alone makes me want to cry! I was really enjoying being able to take pictures every week of my growing belly :)

Friday rolls around... I'm the big 26 now. Goodbye 25, hello 26. Doesn't feel any different. Honestly, I just wanted to sleep the day away and act as if it never happened. Thank God I didn't. I was hoping to get our NILMDTS pregnancy pictures back by my birthday... and I did! I was so excited to find the link to a website in my e-mail later that day. She sent us 3 pictures on Thursday night. I fell in love with them right away and was very excited to see the rest. So as soon as I noticed the e-mail, it was time to check them out. Absolutely beautiful! Stunning! I couldn't have asked for anything better. They turned out great! Here's a little peek:

Family pic!

To see the rest, please go to http://www.collages.net/. On the left side is the guest area. Click there. The username is Sophia Grace and the password is 23376. Login your info and it'll take you to the pictures. I tend to look at them several hundred times a day. I can't wait to be able to hang them up all over our house. Beautiful memories caught on camera. Beautiful memories that we made with Sophia. Memories... ugh, I'm really starting to hate the way that word sounds. Almost like all I'll ever have of Sophia is memories. I want so much more then that! Back to the website, once you're logged in, there is a guestbook on the left side. Please feel free to leave us a comment. We would love to know how many people are looking at our pictures :)

Kathy, if you're reading this... Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You and Ben did an amazing job. These pictures are just breathtaking. I love them so very much. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to meet with us. I will never forget you. You will always hold a very special place in our hearts! Thank you just isn't enough.

Back to our little sale today... we didn't get to stay out very long. The rain chased us back inside. But while we were out there, we were able to raise $64 towards Sophia's headstone. God, how I wish I could put that money towards clothes, diapers, bottles, stroller, etc. Thank you to all who stopped by today and enjoyed our hot dogs and lemonade, or just gave a donation. No matter how big or small, it helps! We deeply appreciate it.

I want to apologize if this post seems very unorganized. Truth is, I feel very unorganized myself lately. I have yet to start picking up the pieces to what used to be my life. They're still scattered all over the floor. And I just don't know where to start to put it all back together again. I'm not sure I want to either. As I have said many times before, this is a very difficult journey. One I had never expected to be on. One I had never truly understood. Even now, I don't fully understand it. And we've been on this journey now for almost 3 months. Maybe I will never understand. At one point, I knew just what I wanted to do with my life, aside from trying to be the best mother I can be. I was so interested in the Criminal Justice field and I was doing everything in my power to make my way there. But, I have officially given up. I do not feel as if my calling is Criminal Justice. I feel now that my calling in life is to help others, even in the slightest bit, to get through hard times like these. When they're faced with a fatal prenatal diagnosis, I want to be right there saying, "I know how you feel! I've been there. And this is what we can do to get through it... but only when you're ready." Now what profession would that be? I really do not know.

Oops, there I go again. Completely random. Maybe it's the fact that it's getting late. Maybe I should just go rest my weary eyes and leave blogging for another day.

Thanks for taking the time to read this "messy" post. And a quick welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for joining us on this journey. Sophia's Journey. The Velazquez Family Journey... whatever you want to call it :)

A family's bond, one that is unbreakable!
We love you, Sophia Grace