6 weeks (and a day)

I can't believe it, 6 weeks have gone by since Sophia's birthday... Happy 6 week Birthday, baby girl! Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out how I have made it this far and this long without her. I guess you could say that I'm not really "without" her. She lives on in my heart, and in my mind. Not 1 day goes by that I don't think of her or wonder what she would be doing now if she were still with us.

We have finally been able to set up a date and place for Sophia's Carwash For a Cause.  I can't wait... I'm so excited for more people to get to know my precious little girl and to spread more awareness on Anencephaly. Hopefully by the time I'm done, everyone in the world will know what it is. It's not as uncommon as doctors try to make it seem. It happens every day! As for the carwash, anyone who is interested in coming to have their car washed or to help out, we will be at AutoZone on Rt. 61 on July 30th from 12-? It will be $6 a car. Not bad, right? Not to mention, any money made during this event will be put towards the cost of Sophia's headstone. We are getting sooo close! I'm hoping that the carwash is a big hit and we'll be tying up all the loose ends and ordering Sophia's headstone in no time.

Now, I need to ask everyone who is reading this to please say a prayer for my nephew, Isaiah. He has Chiari Malformation and is expected to go in for surgery possibly this week. My sister has been told that things may change for him after surgery. He may not be able to walk, or talk, or see. It is a very risky surgery. Isaiah is only 2 years old and needs a lot of prayers.

One more prayer request for a very special friend of mine, Dawn and her baby, Katie. Katie will be born sometime later today. She was diagnosed with anencephaly on Feb. 22. I'm hoping that Dawn and her family get to spend lots of time with Katie. This, I'm sure, will be a very bittersweet time for their family. I'm sure Sophia will be right there waiting for her at Heaven's Gate. Dawn & family, you are all in my prayers tonight and always!

On another note, I have finally been able to meet my twin niece and nephew. They're gorgeous!! I thought for sure that I would have a hard time holding Shayna, seeing as how she is a baby girl. So I held Braedyn first. He's such an adorable lil guy. When the time came to hold Shayna, I was a little iffy about it. But once I got her in my arms, I didn't want to let her go. It was almost as if I could see some of Sophia in her. Thanks to these 2 little babies, my empty arms felt better for a few hours. It was very hard for me to fall asleep that night. I could still smell their baby smell on my clothes. Changing didn't help... I could smell it on my own skin. This made me miss Sophia so much more. On a scale from 1-10, it was at 1,000. I ended up asking God about a million questions that night:

"Why me?"
"What have I ever done to deserve this?"
"Why did you have to take MY baby?" 
"Why can't I hold my baby one last time?"
"When my time here is over, will Sophia even recognize me?"
"Does Sophia miss me as much as I miss her?"

And so many more. Life has been very hard the last 6 weeks, not to mention the last 5 months! Sometimes I feel as if I am making progress through my grief. Like I take 2 steps forward but then I get pushed back a step. But like Jenny says, it's still progress!

I feel this constant urge to plan things. Not things for myself, but things for Sophia. Things that I can do to raise awareness on this condition. Things that I can do so that more people will get to know who my daughter was and what she has done for us. I started making awareness ribbons... that went well for awhile. I started making keychains with her name on them... they still sell sometimes. I've planned a carwash... that's coming up. I wanted to put together a walk with the March of Dimes... the lady never called me back to meet us at the end of May. I would like to still get it together, but I don't know where to start. After that, I'm not sure what else I can do. And I feel as if once I stop planning things, I'm just going to fall apart all over again and I'm not going to have the strength to put myself together again. As long as I'm planning and following through with those plans, I'm okay... my mind stays plenty busy. Even nights are hard. Once I've got all the kids tucked away in their beds... my mind starts to wander. It starts to race in a million different directions. Like I explained to a good friend of mine yesterday, it's like being one person... and wanting to go in every which direction at once. And almost like your body is trying to separate from itself just to make it in all those directions. My mind is consumed with thoughts of Sophia and how this loss of such a beautiful person will affect me in the long run. Yes, I am still hurting now... but I'm still in the beginning. Hopefully soon I'll have a grief counselor to help me make sense out of this so called new life.


Special thanks to:

Sheila S
Melinda Woods
Ross & Allison Johnson
Lesley & Allen McCoy
Melissa M
Rachel J
Ramsey Gregory
Sherri & Tom F.
Danyelle S.

A very deep & heartfelt thank you to all of you for donating towards Sophia's headstone. And an extra special thank you to those of you who have been here for us through it all. THANK YOU!!!

(To make your donation towards Sophia's headstone, click the tab above that says "Donate towards her headstone")